[hopealwayz]

I really needed/wanted to be there. I probably can’t get in from the cancellation list because I don’t think anyone will cancel. So I haven’t faced my T since my meltdown.

Anxiety and sadness...

[Amyjay]

I am sorry you feel bad because you missed your session. What happened?

[hopealwayz]

I had been ill from days of panic attacks and sleepless nights due to nightmares. The office helped me get my meds filled yesterday so things are more hopeful now.

I still feel humiliated too. I really wish they would call today with an opening but I don’t think that will happen.

[hopealwayz]

I feel SO restless and anxious.

A few good things started happening in my life and I immediately rushed back to the comfort of chaos.

I want to cry but I can’t get the tears to come.

[chihirochild]

I'm sorry, hope. I understand how bad that can feel--I was on the night shift and overslept my session a few weeks ago and it was the worst feeling.

[hopealwayz]

Originally Posted by chihirochild

I'm sorry, hope. I understand how bad that can feel--I was on the night shift and overslept my session a few weeks ago and it was the worst feeling.

It definitely is. I’m sorry that happened to you. I know how disappointing it is.

[Taylor27]

Hugs, hope can you call him and see if you can get in sooner? I understand the feeling i forgot the time once and ended up showing up an hour later. He was able to squeeze me in later that week, i think this happens allot and therapist are understanding of this if the client does not do it all the time

[hopealwayz]

This time I think they are blowing me off.

[hopealwayz]

No one will say anything to me. Maybe they threw me out. And if they didn’t, I’m so upset that I won’t go back until December.

[hopealwayz]

If they don’t care, why should I?

[hopealwayz]

Nevermind, I called them and everything is okay.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

Nevermind, I called them and everything is okay.

Hope, you do this to yourself over and over again. I hope someday you will learn to trust that your therapists care so you don't put yourself through this torture, threatening to leave, etc. each time.

[SlumberKitty]

I'm glad everything came out okay, @hopealwayz

[hopealwayz]

I think it’s because I don’t care about myself. Growing up, I was told that I was worthless, stupid, and not pretty enough. I sometimes wonder why my therapist cares and it’s hard to see it because I’m blinded by my own inner self worth.

I’m hurting and now I am finally here crying. I’m under pressure and there’s so much happening and I am trying to keep up.

[hopealwayz]

And I have a chance to go back to school and I’m scared because I don’t feel smart enough.

[hopealwayz]

I truly appreciate the support. Thanks for helping me to not feel so alone.

[SlumberKitty]

HUGS @hopealwayz

[peacelizard]

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

I had been ill from days of panic attacks and sleepless nights due to nightmares. The office helped me get my meds filled yesterday so things are more hopeful now.


I still feel humiliated too. I really wish they would call today with an opening but I don’t think that will happen.

Were you a no call, no show or did you give appropriate notice? As long as you didn't burn the therapist, I personally don't know what you have to feel sorry for.

[hopealwayz]

I let them know that morning that I was feeling sick.

But the previous week, I was off all of my meds and called my T a liar multiple times and made a bunch of sui statements. I don’t know what happened that had me so upset but that was the angriest and most hurt that I’ve ever been with him. They helped me get the meds filled from the pharmacy and I settled down and then felt horrible for the meltdown.

[hopealwayz]

I’m beginning to feel that deep restlessness... I’m fading.

[hopealwayz]

Unfortunately, I’m going to have to miss this week too because my brother’s medicine went up by a big amount and I had to pay out of pocket. I just messaged a friend of mine on FB messenger and asked if she could loan me $20 until next week so I will see what she says. If she can’t loan me the $20, I won’t be able to go to my therapy appointment or job interview this week. I just don’t have the gas money.

Also, I just told my dad that I didn’t want him in my life because he is a toxic person for me. The last time I had sui thoughts, I reached out to him and he cussed me out very horribly and treated me like complete garbage. I still have the text but I can’t post what he said here due to his language. I didn’t deserve that. The way he treated me and the past comments regarding using my mental health issues as an excuse is awful. He feels that people with mental health issues are just using that as an excuse. I told him that the battle with mental health problems is very real and affects so many people’s lives. He doesn’t agree. I think the way my father talked to me was emotionally abusive. So I told him that I couldn’t have him in my life.

[hopealwayz]

Also, a guy who I was close to died yesterday afternoon.

So, I’m so overwhelmed with everything.

[divine1966]

I am sorry to hear you can’t afford therapy or gas.

In the past you said you had to quit your job because you had no car and you’ll go back to work as soon as you have a car. Now you have a car. I know you take care of your siblings but could you get a part time job?

You also mentioned that you aren’t on disability either and live off trust your mom left. Have you talked to your pdoc about going on disability? You mentioned having no health insurance and often having no money for meds but sounds like you won’t qualify for welfare because of the trust.

Could you ask trustees if you can get some money for gas and meds? Not sure how it works and how much is in this trust. It has to be enough money in there if you haven’t worked for years.

Could you ask your pdoc about going on disability or ask him to help with job suggestions?

Borrowing money is a short term solution. I can send you 20 bucks and not even ask for it back. But that’s not long term solution. Could pdoc help you with finding long term solution to your situation?

Sorry about your dad’s situation. Probably good idea to not let him into your life

[hopealwayz]

I have been affording therapy but due to an emergency, we fell behind on things.

The trust is almost empty so that is not an option.

I have worked in recent times until I was injured.

And in recent times I’ve earned money by tutoring.

This vehicle is the same one that was broke down. It did get fixed but still has some problems. I need to save money for a down payment on something else.

I was going to talk to someone about a job this week.

[precaryous]

Since the trust is near depleted can you apply for Medicaid or Medi-Cal then? You can own a car and still qualify for Medicaid. Also might be a good time to file for disability. (?)

My Medicaid office has a resource handout several pages long describing the various resources for medical, mental health, housing, food pantries, legal, school, etc. It’s free and you don’t need to qualify for Medicaid to pick one up. Ours are on the front desk of the office. We don’t even need to speak to anyone...I just pick them up. It might have resource ideas for you that you haven’t considered.

I use it. I gave one to my daughter.
I hate to see you struggle.