[ScarletPimpernel]

T and I are working on my secret and I worry that it will contaminate her. I don't know quite how to explain it. Like it will make her bad too. That she'll have to cleanse herself after talking about it and hugging me. I feel so bad that I'm doing this to her. She shouldn't have to even think about such things.

Does anyone else ever feel like this?

[Mully]

Yes, you are not alone.

For a long time I was convinced that my T must run out of her office after seeing me and wash all over, and when I told her that, she seemed really surprised and shocked that I felt that bad about myself and what I was talking about, and she said that thought never would have even crossed her mind.

Sometimes I avoid talking about things because I don’t want to put it on her, but she reassures me that she can handle it and my stuff can’t “contaminate” her.

It’s very painful to feel this way. I’m sorry you feel this way too.

[kaleidoscopeheart]

You are definitely not alone. T and I have actually been spending a lot of time on that topic lately. I am convinced that I just being out the worst in people and just contaminate them with my very existence and struggled for a long time with shaking hands or hugging because I felt like it was just contaminating my T. It’s gotten a lot better and I know that this feeling of badness or wrongness is 100% from me, T does not reciprocate that feeling. I know that it’s really hard and painful but I am proud of you for talking about this hard stuff with your T. Good luck.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Normally, when I hug her, I'm okay. And I can tell by the way she hugs that she's okay too. But when I talk about the secret, I just feel so dirty. I feel like she shouldn't touch me even though that is when I need the hug the most.

I feel gross about myself, so she should feel gross about me too. But it's more than just the secret. I feel my body is gross. Who would want to touch me? Sex is gross. Just everything about me... These are the hardest topics for me, and yet I know the only way past it is through it. It's just so hard.

[Omers]

Yep, totally! Between feeling dirty from the abuse, from living on a farm with a ton of animals, being a poor housekeeper... yep!!! T knows I go so far as to wash my clothes for session and shower just before leaving and I have socks and shoes in the car specific for T so they don’t have any farm “dirt” on them and I change them in the parking lot.

I know my feelings of being dirty upset T, he even asked once if I was afraid I would contaminate his office (I hadn’t said anything yet so I about fell over... then took it as “if he knows it MUST be true”... he spent a lot of time explaining to me it was normal). Because we have not gotten into the events that feed into that we have not discussed it farther.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Yes, I used that exact word with T3. I used to see her in her front room instead of her therapy room for various reasons but around a year later T said she wasn't happy with this and wanted her room back (she was never the most tact of therapists). My response was 'Why have I contaminated it?'

I still have feelings of being dirty and shameful, particularly when I see a T in a different area set apart from their personal space. Logically I know the reasons, but emotionally I feel as if I need to be kept separate from her family/life as I'm dirty.

[Cleo6]

I felt it a lot with my second t. She worked from home and I was so attached to her it was unhealthy. I would avoid talking about some topics as I felt like I am contaminating her home and that I was bad doing that to her. I now see t who are office based and I find that easier because I'm not contaminating their personal space

[SlumberKitty]

I used to feel this way a lot with former T. I think the stuff we were talking about was just so intense and yucky and bad and I would worry that I was somehow infecting her. She always reassured me that wasn't the case, but I had a very difficult time believing her about that.

[ScarletPimpernel]

It's reassuring that I'm not the only and sad that others have to deal with this.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Talked to L today. I told her again that I feared I would contaminate her. She reassured me that I wouldn't.

She gave the example of a soldier returning from war having to see gruesome things. That it's her job to make sure that she is capable of listening to such things. She explained that that's why she has her own therapy and practices good self care and knows her boundaries. She reassured me that my secret is within her boundaries. I asked if it does even though she's never worked with someone with my secret before. She explained that grief and shame are things she works with. And that the secret doesn't bother her.

Oh, I told her that I don't want to affect her negatively. She said that humans affect each other whether positive or negative. And that sharing our stories are important part of being human. She said that when we share our stories, often times, it weighs less on the person who it's told to. And a lot of times by telling, that it often weighs less to us too.

I know how she feels about me. I believe her as much as I can. But we haven't talked about how she feels about the secret itself. I'm worried about that. Because if she sees it as negative, which she should, then maybe I am something negative to her. Maybe I'm still contaminating her.

[divine1966]

That’s what she chose to do for a living. Not like you share your difficulties with cashier at Walmart.

I had people (in my line of work, the ones i take care of) tell me that they think they are too much work. I usually tell them that if they were too much work I’d do something else for a living.

So I am sure your t isnt contaminated by what you share. That’s career of her choice

[junkDNA]

I feel like I damage him