[SoAn]

Hi everyone,

How do you guys feel about and handle this: last session, my new T (who I've seen 3 times now), expressed compassion at something we realized was a mechanism for me, and which made me cry because I realized how much it had been limiting me throughout my life. I said something like that it made me very sad, and she said, 'Yes, it is sad'. In a way, it was really nice the way she said it: I felt like she was empathizing, but not that it was fully genuine, do you know what I mean?
At the same time, I totally understand that a therapist may not be able to always fully feel stuff about what is happening in the room, and I think that is only human. But still, something is a little uncomfortable to me about crying in front of someone whom you know is also just doing their job.
I brought up my discomfort to her and she said that it is not natural for me to show my emotions to others, and that makes it feel artificial now (which I also believe makes a lot of sense, I just do not think it is the only component of my discomfort).

Is the best way just to think: they're only human, I know they mean well (it really feels like she does and that there is some degree of real compassion), so let's leave it as it is and try to focus on what I am feeling etc. I think this is the best way, or do others feel otherwise?

With my previous T, it really felt (sometimes) like he truly felt sad along with me, which was nice, but probably went too far lol (it did feel so good/right though, isn't it ironic).

Wondering what you all think!

[Omers]

I froze in fear with my previous T one session. I explained that I was scared and “shouldn’t be”. She very gently and empathetically said “this is scary”. It was a looong time before I even trusted her a tiny bit with my feelings again.
Current T offered a new “tool” to try in therapy if I wanted to. I said I wanted to try but I was scared. Current T said (again very gently and empathetically “I know you are feeling scared Omers”. It was a breakthrough moment for us.

So... two thoughts... first do you remember a similar exchange with your previous T that truly felt empathetic? Can you recall the exact words? Were they different? I have learned “is” does not feel empathetic for me. Validating yes, empathetic no. Second like you I felt more empathy from the male T. Is there any chance it could be a gender thing?

[wotchermuggle]

I am also uncomfortable sharing or expressing emotions in therapy because it’s weird to sit there and cry while someone watches you but who, unlike a friend or family member, wouldn’t be able to like reach out and comfort you except through words and distance.

It’s a weird relationship. That’s what it comes down to for me. It’s weird and different but it’s better than being alone with the most private of issues.

I think it has to be hard for them too. Even if I don’t know a person, the instinct for me is to hug someone who is upset. I imagine Ts have to hold back a lot of the time.

There are ways to be empathetic and understanding that can be done verbally though. The tone, inflection, and choice of words they use.

Emotions can really be a messy thing all around I think.

[stopdog]

I never had a belief they were doing anything other than play acting at me. Genuineness was not anything I ever expected from a therapist.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

With the risk of stating the obvious, therapists are all different. And, as you say, are human and not always able to deeply feel for and connect with you due to their own blind spots or stuff going on. I've been lucky to work with some amazing therapists but my current one takes being genuine and empathic to a whole new level. I actually don't think I could work with another T ever again after experiencing her. I have absolutely no doubt at all that she is the same outside the therapy room as she is in it, it's only that she uses some specific skills while she is in it. Some ts are just better at expressing themselves in the room and connecting with what is going on for you and you trust that they are really feeling for you. Genuineness or congruence is an essential part of being a humanistic therapist in the UK - it's all about being real and authentic in the room while still keeping focus on the client.

Its early days so maybe you could see how things go with this t? She's probably finding her way with you, too.

[SalingerEsme]

This quandary is most intense if the T does't have accurate empathy, or misattunes/ mismirrors. In a perfect world, the therapist's skillset would allow you to suspend your disbelief . You sharing that feeling should be cue to the T to up her game ( not put it back on the client ).

I agree with how much it hurts and disconcerts when moments arise that remind us that our T's might pretend to care more than they do. My T and I have been through alot together, and he says how much he cares, but I dont always believe him bc he isnt "there" during 95 percent of the week. Therapy is hard to juggle between head and heart.

Originally Posted by SoAn

Hi everyone,

How do you guys feel about and handle this: last session, my new T (who I've seen 3 times now), expressed compassion at something we realized was a mechanism for me, and which made me cry because I realized how much it had been limiting me throughout my life. I said something like that it made me very sad, and she said, 'Yes, it is sad'. In a way, it was really nice the way she said it: I felt like she was empathizing, but not that it was fully genuine, do you know what I mean?
At the same time, I totally understand that a therapist may not be able to always fully feel stuff about what is happening in the room, and I think that is only human. But still, something is a little uncomfortable to me about crying in front of someone whom you know is also just doing their job.
I brought up my discomfort to her and she said that it is not natural for me to show my emotions to others, and that makes it feel artificial now (which I also believe makes a lot of sense, I just do not think it is the only component of my discomfort).

Is the best way just to think: they're only human, I know they mean well (it really feels like she does and that there is some degree of real compassion), so let's leave it as it is and try to focus on what I am feeling etc. I think this is the best way, or do others feel otherwise?

With my previous T, it really felt (sometimes) like he truly felt sad along with me, which was nice, but probably went too far lol (it did feel so good/right though, isn't it ironic).

Wondering what you all think!

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

Therapy is hard to juggle between head and heart.

This says it all for me. When I’m in the room, I’m much more in my head, and although I can tell myself that he’s kind and empathetic, I can’t force myself to feel it even if it’s real.

[ArtleyWilkins]

I don’t expect my therapists to display the level of emotion as someone in my personal life. In fact, I count on their ability to remain pretty objective. I absolutely would not trust a therapist who could not remain mostly objective. That ability to display support and sympathy while maintaining calm and strength was vital to me. I rely on their ability to maintain that balance when I am often feeling very unbalanced.

[BudFox]

You can't buy caring or compassion.

The therapists I went to were emotional wh*res (both male and female). They sold staged intimacy.

Being emotional or vulnerable in front of a mostly concealed observer was also somewhat like emotional rape.

At some point I stopped normalizing this and then it looked really scary.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by BudFox

You can't buy caring or compassion.

The therapists I went to were emotional wh*res (both male and female). They sold staged intimacy.

Being emotional or vulnerable in front of a mostly concealed observer was also somewhat like emotional rape.

At some point I stopped normalizing this and then it looked really scary.

I also have consulted ghastly, abusive therapists.

[Spirit of Trees]

I had this issue with one of my Ts. She often seemed like she was "trying too hard" to show compassion/warmth towards me and that made me uncomfortable. I wish I told her during our feedback session before she left. But I didn't know how to articulate what bothered me then.