invisible

When I was growing up I became invisible. I was never noticed--and floated away frequently (dissociated). There were many reasons for this; violence and abuse at home and profound neglect. The holidays were about the adults getting drunk and worse.

Last week T said I could call him this week if I needed him; that he would check his messages 4x per day. Yesterday i unraveled and was flooding. I called him at 3 in the afternoon. He never called back. I am invisible. I am weepy. I am lonely despite being surrounded by my loving family.

I am trying to work this through but I keep hitting a wall. It is a familiar feeling--like facing a tidal wave. I know I must retreat, into myself, to protect myself from any further hurt. I don't know how to mold it or transform it because its texture is so hard and there's no malleability. I simply have to go another way. I'm searching but when I look up the sky ifs filled with a huge grey cloud--sunless and heavy. I'm suffocating.

(((( sister ))))

I'm sorry you are feeling invisible. I'm glad you posted here where I can see you... you are really here.

and more

((sister)) I see ya!

Christmas is the time that we get reminded of all those dreadful times.

You are NOT invisible to us (((((((((( sister ))))))))))

I see you sister.

BB

... and sister...

we hear you too.

(((((((((sister))))))

I see and hear you .... sending you hugs, care and lots of love, I miss talking to you ... pm anytime....Love Jin xxxxxx

Ther is one way to retreat into your feelings and thoughts, but at the same time, reach out ot others- PC!! You are great here,and remember these are real people you help and talk to here!! Here, you can retreat and advance at the same time!! After all, you're a POOBAH that means something special!! Keep reaching out to people, by expressing inner things you're reaching out to a world full of real people!!

Do not retreat into yourself! Bad mistake; I did that and lost a good 20+ years of my life.

When I started therapy the second time with my therapist, 1996-2005 I made one rule for myself; I could not do the fetal curl-up in any way, shape or form; not emotionally, physically, intellectually, spiritually, in no way. I had to stay "open"/unclenched. I pictured therapy with my T as the sea and I was either a minesweep or ice breaker, my #1 goal was to keep the shipping lanes open (communication :-) I had to go out and T had to be let in, no matter what the cost, what the pain, what happened.

You hurt, sister, your T didn't call back but you don't know why yet. You have to hang on to that; he didn't call back on account of he doesn't see you; he didn't call back on account of you're invisible; he didn't call back because of his reasons, that have nothing to do with you. You hurt and are having a hard time but you will not die this time anymore than you have in your previous, equally hard times. You have us and we're here. You have more of yourself than you've ever had before and your Self is formidable; fearfully and wonderfully made (sorry, I just really like the wording of that Bible verse :-)

You're not invisible here, we're reading you in dark black type, not invisible ink like we all had as children; not lemon juice you have to "heat" to see the writing :-) Your parents aren't here anymore, your T is nothing like your parents were. You've had XX number of years learning to "wait" and you can wait until your T calls you (or call him back and demand to know what's with not calling you back! Express some concern in your message that he said he would check 4x a day and call back; has something happened to him, is he all right?).

Sometimes we work on being invisible and then it's not other people's fault that we are? I kept a low profile so my stepmother wouldn't notice me because whenever she did notice me it was usually negatively? So I wanted to be invisible.

One day I went to my T session and she had her office in a large business complex and there were huge cranes working on a couple of the buildings' roofs and I had to "drive around" the parking lot, out of my usual path, to get to my T's building. It made me horribly anxious and that made no sense. I got to the session and was early and sat thinking about the anxiety and what that could possibly be about and realized that since I was driving outside my "usual" route, I was vulnerable/spotable because I wasn't "supposed" to be there! I was flushed from hiding/the "usual" where I was safe because no one would notice me, I'd "blend in" since it's what I did over and over.

Sometimes we have to do things that uncover us and that's scary but the scariness is of our own making because we've worked hard to be "safe" all this time from situations and people who don't "exist" anymore. You're not invisible reaching out to your T, calling him, taking a chance on him. That's what hurts so bad. If you were invisible you'd be "safe" but you're not safe, you're vulnerable to hurt. Unfortunately, :-) that's a good thing.

You may have been invisible to your parents, but you aren't invisible here. We see you. We hear you. We sit with you. I can hear the pain and upset inside you.

I have been so surprised to find that when I feel invisible, it helps a lot if I can see/hear me too. It really does help to write out your inside hurts so they are on the paper for you to see. It helps to hold a soft toy and hug it and tell it how dear it is and comfort and cherish it. Say those things out loud and your insides will feel them too.

Sitting with you during this hard time.

((((((((((((( sister )))))))))))))))

In some ways 'retreating' into one's thoughts instead of running into the wall is similiar to 'uncovering' ourselves, expressing ourselves, whether it be here or IRL. I've found the opposite, that when I retreated into myself I got to know myself so well that I blossomed, became leader of my support group, advanced at my job, volunteered at church, bonded with new friends, and I think PC and exploring myself here has helped. The real world used to seem so superficial, callous, it would go on in a cavalier way...when I paid attention to my inner story, along with the help of frineds not family, whether it's uncovering or retreating in, something helped. My hope for Sister is that she can find that '....something...'

You're not invisible here! I always enjoy seeing your posts -- you've been helpful in many of my threads.

I'm sorry T wasn't there, but he will be again. And in the meantime you have us....

Take care of yourself,
Sidony

((((sister))))) I just want to add that you are definately NOT invisible. I am a poster who does a lot more reading & pondering/thinking than I do posting. So many times, I feel that I have nothing of value to add. I always read your posts and spend time as I'm reading thinking about you and your life. Many times I have thoughts that I consider sharing, but don't. Please know that we see you. You shine here

tulips

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) i agree with perna - call back and see what happened! Don't let it get to you - fight the invisibility barrier. *sigh* we all have to do that and i know, it sucks... but we have to. My old t always said call every half hour until i reach her if i need (not that i was brave enough to do that because i felt i didn't deserve to have her fill any needs for me. Be Brave! Call back! You deserve to have your needs met.
Kiya

Hi Everyone,

Thanks so much. Although I just couldn't come on line again yesterday I read all of your messages from my invisible corner. They meant a lot and got me through the day. I was so down and not in a pretty place. Even though I didn't see me you guys did! Thanks friends for seeing me and thanks Echoes for hearing me too!

Perna/Kiya, don't know if I'm ready to call again yet but at least I'll peek out of my cave.

Sometimes it is necessary to listen to the story that is inside. (Junerain) I'm still trying to make some sense of the feelings that came up. And when I want to listen to the inside story I have to be very, very quiet.

Peace.

Watch it or we'll be in that corner with you trying to decorate it better (with the best invisible decorations, of course) like we did Fuzzy's cave :-)

Yay, you are out of your corner, at least a teeny bit since you posted. Hope today is better for you.

ok ok ok ok ok ok

He called. His machine did not tell him he had new messages. Whew! It is amazing, how, in the space of a couple of minutes I began to feel like I exist again.

I will have a phone session tomorrow, because I asked for one.

I'm creeping outta the corner but to tell you the truth this has been a rough one. So I am taking care of me today.

I am so thankful that you all could see me because I could see you but I really felt invisible. Still a little bit there. Look forward to exploring this with T, in the safety of our relationship.

OK Perna, but no Christmas decorations. Just nice, soft, gentle, billowy stuff. I think I've been re-living some trauma these past couple of days.

Peace friends and thanks again. I'll keep you posted.

So, what shall I sing?

<font color="#000088"> Oh Come All Ye Faithful or Joy to the World, the T has come!</font>

Invisible, gaudily-covered, flowered couches to have hot, invisible sex on :-) We'll need a geiger counter to find you.