Feeling in hell over therapist’s vacation

I’ve been seeing this particular therapist for a year and a half, and he’s had other vacation times before, including during major transition times for me, and I’ve never had an issue with his vacations at all... until now. I’ve also had many past therapists and was never at all phased by their vacations. Didn’t give it a second thought.

I’ve read other threads about people who are attached to their therapist. I’ve read about people who tend to have boundary issues, especially people with PD’s or anxious attachment.

That’s not me. I don’t have a PD (therapist is adamant that it’s C-PTSD and not a PD). My attachment style trends more avoidant, or mixed...?? I know it’s not “secure,” but normally I’m not anxious or “needy.” I don’t normally crave contact or text/email T or anyone else a lot, or any other behaviors that seem more par for the course with therapist attachment.

I’ve read about transference, erotic and otherwise. I have experienced some of that, but that doesn’t really feel like what I’m going through right now. I don’t “want” my therapist sexually. I don’t want to merge my life with his. I’m just irrationally, inexplicably panicked about his two week vacation.

He thinks this is a sign that I’ve allowed myself to develop a meaningful attachment to him, and that that’s a good thing. We’ve been doing intensive therapy for many hours/week in lieu of an inpatient or day program, and this is an interruption of that intense schedule so I guess it makes sense why this would feel so jarring.

But still, why do I feel this way? I’m finding it SO difficult to deal with. It seems unhealthy and I’ve even been questioning whether it’s ethical practice for him to do this intensive of therapy with me, because of the attachment that has resulted.

I feel like a jerk for writing that, but then I’ve read online that some therapists are very strict about 1-2 hours per week at most. We’ve talked for up to 10 hours per week for the past six weeks. Not to mention the fact that I can’t sustainably afford this - but also, how can this not be too much?

Also, he says I can email or text him when he’s on vacation and that we can even have a session by phone if I need. What is that about...? It seems inappropriate to me and I feel like if I’m THAT distressed, it’s a sign that I should consider inpatient. He’s on vacation and entitled to that time with his family, without me hassling him. I feel bad even entertaining the thought that I would invade his private time in that way.

Throughout our time working together I’ve only emailed a few times between sessions, with content to discuss at the next session, and I texted once on a weekend when I was considering inpatient due to a panic attack. Felt terrible for bothering him about that.

Today he told me he has patients who are this level of anxious almost all the time, and with whom he communicates on many days by text or email, although it may be brief. I’m glad this is not me, all the time. But I also kind of wondered if that behavior is even helpful to those patients. Doesn’t it just foster dependence? Don’t we NEED boundaries? Is he perhaps getting his own caretaking needs met this way?

Anyway, I just need to get this out. If someone else out there is struggling with your therapist’s vacation and feels silly over that... you’re not alone, and I’d love to hear from you.