How to handle emotions toward Therapist

Sorry but I have to post this even if nobody replies. I've never experienced the type of relationship I'm finding with my psychologist. I'm afraid that I might be too emotional with her and thank her with tears pouring down my face about how much she means to me. I just don't want to stress her out, but I feel like I can't bottle up these emotions much longer.

I'm just soooo grateful to have her in my life because all of my senses tell me she's the first person who's ever genuinely cared for me. Everyone cares to some degree. My parents care about me in their own way but as they've told me & everyone else my entire life, "We took a hands off approach with our son." For example my 5th grade teach tortured me emotionally & physically every day in class & a lot more while alone, so the two girls across the street who were in my class finally told my mom & sister what was happening. My sister was in rage, drove over to the school and yelled at him, but my mom & dad stayed home, did nothing, never even ask me if I was okay.

I can see in my therapist eyes that she cares about me more than I ever knew someone could care for someone else. It honestly feels so good, words can't describe. It brings tears to my eyes every time. She's spent a lot of time outside her office doing things to help me. She charges me a lot less than her normal asking price because I don't have much money, but many times I've begged her to charge me the normal price because she's more than worth it, but she refuses. Next time I see her I'm afraid I might break down crying so hard telling her how much she means to me, but I feel like guys don't do that.

I really don't know how to view her. I've always had this idea what therapists were like, but it's nothing like that. I've read that it's against therapists code of ethics to be friends with their patients/clients outside of office. So does that mean she doesn't see me as a friend? I would really like to know how she sees me but I'm afraid to ask her. Am I just someone she cares about during session, but the moment session ends I'm out of her mind and just a client?

I have a relationship with my T very much like what you are talking about. I am a woman but was raised primarily by my dad who raised me as a son. My T reminds me that his role in my life is as my psychologist/doctor but that we also have a relationship. The relationship is real it just has boundaries placed on it because he is my doctor. He also tells me what ever feelings I have for him are OK and that my feelings for him can’t be too big or too much. There are boundaries on behaviors and what we can do to express our feelings but there are no boundaries on the feelings. Yes, I am “just” a client but most of his friends don’t get as much of his undivided attention as I do (one hour per week) so of course there is closeness and connection. Yes, I cry because I am feeling love from T in a way I have never felt before. I also cry from deep gratitude which I share with him often.

Aww- I loved your post's vulnerability and open heart. It's really moving to cry that way with a therapist. It is like being touched and moved by a fellow human's care for you, if you haven't received enough of that when you deserved to in the past.

Your T comes to her profession and to her time with you through a particular path too- there's a reason(s) from her past she sits with you in the present, experiencing your emotion.

I've pondered and explored the relationship between limits / the frame of therapy/ boundaries and the feelings that emerge within therapy. I've cried, fought, fell in love, been disillusioned, idealized, been idealized, been afraid, let down, and defensive, been attacked, wooed, held, companioed,been loved, am loved, do love- basically a big tangle of feelings- in therapy. This is four years into my first therapy for severe CSA, something I disowned with vast defenses all my life in order to be a high achiever and therefore "safe". Though I rarely cry "irl", I have steadily cried through 3/4th of my 2 session a week. My T says he welcomes my tears, and, here and there, he has shed a few too.

These relationships are co created by both people, both the moments of grace and the moments of catastrophe . The bond, though asymmetrical, is something both people need in different ways. Whatever you feel toward your therapist, she will make use of it if she is good, metabolize it and give it back to you, take it in to herself if she needs it.

Some T's have training to seem unaffected or to mirror the client . However, I have learned that when they touch us they are touched, and the discovery process is two way in a theraputic alliance that is meaty and meaningful .

I hope it's ok to wish you Merry Christmas, Stahrgeyzer. I wish you all the best.

That's a lot like how I felt about Former T. I just tried to relax, appreciate her for all she did and meant/means to me, and accept her caring. HUGS Kit

Thank you for your replies! Some of your replies gave me tears. I could read these kind of replies forever. Wishing Breaking Dawn and all of you and your dearest Ts the Merriest Christmas ever! <3