Couch 210: The Abundant Couch

Because he usually can't fix whatever he broke. The thing he broke was a baby gate that we have up to keep our dogs in our area of the apartment. He doesn't know how to put it up.

ETA: He doesn't do anything without me. Examples: today I had to shave him before he went to work (because he doesn't do a good job when he does it). And he had me get him a box of kleenex and his shoes that he could have gotten himself.

I'm having 2 teeth pulled today. I'm so scared he's going to go off on me for some reason.

Not until next Friday. I'll see Amy (EMDR T) twice before then, though, and she is often quite helpful when I am trying to work through things that happen with Liz.

I kind of hate that I have therapy to work through my therapy, but I can clearly see where deep down it's all about me and my trauma history. If I could just figure this all out, I think it will really help me.

I just emailed my T a super scary thing and I bet he’s not going to respond to my email since I see him again on Friday. Augh. This is going to be an intense wait.

Trigger date 1 of 3 is here.

I want to curl up in a ball.

R text me this morning to say that she was thinking of me, 'see you tomorrow'.

It's gonna be an important session, but I'm scared. We have so much to cover...

HUGS @velcro003 My pdoc isn't on my insurance either, or on any insurance actually, so I have to pay out of pocket to see him and it's quite expensive but I feel like he is worth it. I'm so sorry that T isn't on your insurance either! That's terrible! I hope that you will find some other supports to help fill the gap! HUGS Kit

@ElectricManatee ugh, so sorry that happened. Two hours before the session doesn't seem like a lot of notice. Maybe it was an emergency? I'm sorry you had to pretend it's fine, when it obviously isn't. HUGS Kit

Hi everyone, so my health insurance company (Blue Shield of CA) has this thing called Shield Support (I think that is what it is called) and it is free (well not technically, since I pay the premiums, but it doesn't cost me any extra). The health insurance company called me last week and asked me a series of questions and then said I qualified for this Shield Support thing and that someone would call me within a week. So I had a call on Monday but I couldn't take it as I was about to go into therapy with Pastor T. So I called back last night and got this lady. She's a nurse. And she's not going to take the place of a T or Pdoc but is supposed to help coordinate care and give me resources and help me with goals. IDK. We did sort of an intake and she was very interested in my hallucinations and suicide attempts and the fact that I work full time. (I didn't tell her about the SH--but I'll do that next time). She asked me a lot of questions and tried to get a sense of who I was and what I struggled with etc. Asked questions about like smoking, drinking, illegal drugs, etc. Asked me a series of questions that had answers on a continuum like never, little, sometimes, frequently, always etc. She asked me my Dr's name (PCP, Pdoc, and T). And some other stuff that I can't remember right now. So she is going to call me next week on Wednesday and go over my meds and stuff like that. And she wants to go over my goals. Goals? Um. Get better? IDK. So I have to think of some goals between then and now. I have no idea what to say. I'm not super good at setting goals for myself. Any ideas anyone? Anyone else do something like this? Is it helpful? I figured since it doesn't cost me any extra, might as well give it a try. I can always stop at any time if I find it not helpful. The lady seemed pretty nice on the phone. Like sometimes I was only giving her one word answers but other times I spoke a little bit extra. HUGS to anyone who wants one. Kit

Oh and my sister texted me this morning. Her two year old has Influenza B which I heard is really bad for children. I am worried about her!

Hi slumber, since this one is shorter!

Altho first, yeah i hope she gets good care as needed, ive heard terrible things also.

Re the Blue support - they call me a lot too. They HAVE made my life a little easier - now the pharmacy texts me when im almost out. They reviewed all my meds once, by a pharmacist, but ive had that done several times by my pdoc as we were looking for something to pep me up. Stopping t helped that as i get regular sleep now, no more alarm clock!

Overall, i havent had anything bad from them. They also sent me a fitbit but its too tight on my wrist bone - too many years as a computer programmer, im still swole!

I am still concerned about your hallucinations - i wish there were a med that could help you with them, without bad side effects. Maybe you could ask them? Idk.

Thanks unaluna, it's good to hear you have had good experiences with them. I'm hopeful it will be at least supportive or helpful. And yeah, IDK about the hallucinations. I'm on an anti-psychotic but maybe I need to try a different one? IDK. I see Pdoc next month. HUGS Kit

I'm always hesitant to use those kinds of support services from our medical insurance company. I don't feel safe giving them more information than what the doctors provide them (which is fairly minimal and basic facts/diagnosis codes/meds/procedures rather than personal details about illness, etc. that really aren't part of the medical/insurance record). Probably a bit overly cautious on our part, but we survived the years of exclusions for pre-existing conditions and insurance trying to make old employers financially responsible for medical expenses (even though they weren't) as a way to get out of covering needed medical care. I've remained carefully cautious about handing them information they really don't need to pay my bills.

I hadn't thought of that aspect ArtleyWilkins, thanks for bringing that up.

I'm probably a bit on the paranoid side of this, but we've been royally burned in years past by insurance companies. I do think they try to get information out of clients that really can eventually be used to deny coverage. I've learned that all the information they need will come from the doctors.

Insurance companies are not your friend. Anything they do is to benefit them, not you.

I'm feeling tired, but I'm also feeling depressed. I'm abnormally calm (kind of freaking me out actually how calm I am--which is a weird sensation). The depression seems to be creeping its way up my body. It's in my chest right now. Work isn't terribly distracting today. I want to but since I am at work, that is a pretty good deterrent. Not always, but usually. I can take lunch in a few minutes. I might try to walk outside a bit, or if it is too windy, I might just try to put on some lotion that smells good on my skin and maybe watch a youtube video or something. Not that it will help in the long run, but it might do something in the short term to sort of slow this down. HUGS Kit

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it must have been an emergency. She is not the type to cancel for no reason (as far as I know, anyway, although one time she did tell me that she blew off work at her old place of employment to go watch some puppies be born). She got back to me this afternoon and offered me a Friday morning slot for this week, so maybe my freaking out was a smiiidge premature.

I canceled Amy to take the appointment with Liz (pretty sure my insurance company would have puppies of their own if I had two therapy sessions in one day). What is the etiquette on that kind of thing, couchies? Can you cancel a standing appointment with auxiliary T to make up a session with main T? Is it relevant that seeing main T right now is sometimes emotionally rewarding and sometimes not, in that horrible, inconsistent, slot-machiney sort of way, while auxiliary T seems too boring and stable? (Note: it is definitely relevant.)

Anyway, I went to the pool and now I feel much calmer. Maybe I should stop spending money on therapy and just go buy more swimsuits.

My moto at the moment is do what works for you and there is no rule set in stone. As long as you give enough time to the other person it's okay.

Better high with first T?

It's chocolate over swimsuits for me.

Was that you kicking chop in my face just now?

If I hit a sale, I can buy 3 good swimsuits for the price of an Info session, or almost 2 without a sale. They last longer too.

After feeling weirdly calm for two days, depression is hitting me hard. Thoughts of sui, SH, etc. I'm doing some breathing exercises and trying to focus my thoughts on positive things, like meeting with my friend later. Part of me is disappointed because for two days the depression was pretty good and it's like slid back so fast. Ugh. I am trying to think what regular T would say to do and what Pastor T would say to do--he would say reach out to a friend right now, but it always seems so lame--what am I supposed to say, I'm depressed again? Yeah, that probably gets old for the person on the other side of that conversation. Regular T would probably tell me to go play some basketball or something (can't do that right now as I am at work) but I did get up and walk the hallway a few times. I really want to just go home and lay on my bed and not engage for a while but I can't do that until at least 6:15 PM or 6:30 PM. But it's probably not the *best* thing for me to do, just because I want to do it. I'm trying to tell myself most of the time I need to do the opposite of what I want to do. Maybe I'll feel better after I meet with my friend. Ugh...HUGS to anyone who wants one, Kit

So i made a discovery today. My Shipt shopper said they were out of plain milk, did i want vanilla milk? (The little horizon packs). I said sure why not. Oooh! They turn any plain cereal into sugar frosted! Which my older brother always ate, so i never could (very strict boundaries! ). Soooo yum. And they dont keep you searching for that carbo high bowl after bowl - they deliver right away! Net effect, less carbs, is good, right? No more cereal stupor.