Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

Lemoncake · Jan 16, 2020 at 01:05 AM

Anything you would like to say to your therapist, big or small... post it here.

Blueberry21 · Jan 16, 2020 at 06:07 AM

I can’t believe I have to get out of bed to go and see you. I hate this. I might not do it. I might just phone you instead. Although then I won’t see the cat.

I was lashing out at that person and now I just feel like **** about it. That person doesn’t want to hear my tirades and doesn’t care. And now I guess I have to go and tell you about it, I guess.

Also, these antidepressants aren’t even working as far as I can tell. I feel so worthless and alone.

chihirochild · 08:04 AM

Dear T,

I'm terrified for tomorrow's session. Maybe I shouldn't have sent that email. I want to email you to ask for reassurance but that'd just be pathetic at this point since I see you in like... what, 30 hours?

I also want to cancel or not show up so I don't have to see you but that'd be stupid and inconsiderate and would just delay the inevitable.

Please be gentle about this.

-c

SummerTime12 · Jan 16, 2020 at 10:13 AM

Now would be a great time to check your email

Lemoncake · Jan 16, 2020 at 01:23 PM

When we're good, we're golden, but it feels like we actually spend much more time in rupture mode than anything else and I'm just not sure if it's worth it anymore. Is it just me?

Not denying that we have done some pretty good work together.

I'm not self harming after all and haven't for 646 days.

comrademoomoo · Jan 16, 2020 at 01:54 PM

Excruciating email incoming ... countdown to lift-off commenced.

You were good in the last session, really good. You are smart and brave, sometimes I am reminded of why I continue to work with you. Most of the time you are a horror of course.

SlumberKitty · Jan 16, 2020 at 02:25 PM

I'm sure you would have wanted me to reach out yesterday when I was having suicidal thoughts. But you know....it's like, what am I supposed to say? I think that is a lot to tell someone and have them have to deal with it or their feelings about it or whatever. So, I didn't. I don't know if I will tell you any of this though.

Blueberry21 · Jan 17, 2020 at 06:42 PM

I’m sorry I let you down by SH-ing last night before you even had the chance to respond to my email.

I guess I had to reach a crisis point once that terrible memory came back, and once I received an email from that person confirming the memory. I’ll tell you more on Monday and then maybe you’ll understand.

I didn’t drink at all today, and I made it to the pdoc appointment. You probably don’t realize how much of an accomplishment that was.

Anyway, thank you for your ongoing support.

ElectricManatee · Jan 16, 2020 at 02:42 PM

I hope you bring your "A" game tomorrow because I have some stuff to get into. It could be really good, or it could be a total disaster. That describes most of our sessions lately, though.

I really just hope you're not weird and distant.

LonesomeTonight · 03:30 PM

Dear T,
It was nice hearing you say that most people would probably prefer “not-trying to be perfect” me. And how if they don’t, then F*** ‘em. Wish I could have gotten that message, oh, 35-40 years ago. And I appreciate the empathy about my D, too.
Wish you weren’t off Monday, but you deserve a day off. And I’ll see you Tuesday.
Love you (that crossed my mind again as I left today),
LT

Blueberry21 · Jan 16, 2020 at 04:10 PM

After today’s session, I did the opposite of what you suggested. I engaged with that person, and I got a response.

Not that it was really satisfactory. And it never will be. You ARE right about that.

But the fact of the matter is that it is cheaper and easier to get my anger out at that person, rather than sit in your £250/hour office and talk about it.

Also, you have NO idea. I know how you were raised, and you’ve been privileged all your life, and have no idea how it is NOT to have someone to fall back on.

You are just as messed up as I am and have intense issues too, they’re just not as close to the surface and you’re more in control of them.

But ultimately, I’m the patient and you’re the therapist, and so we can’t get into that. I’m the one who said today, “let’s keep this focused on me.”

Lemoncake · Jan 17, 2020 at 08:25 AM

Dear R--,

I'm sorry for the way I act.

At the moment I'm finding therapy very destabilizing and triggering. I don't feel safe. You don't feel safe.

We have done a lot together and i'm not denying that ( 647 self harm free days and counting!) but I just need to pause for now. I need a clear head for my next exam.

Thank you for all the times you have been there for me.

Best wishes,

S-

LostOnTheTrail · Jan 17, 2020 at 09:34 AM

Hi R,

Thanks for sending the article on anxiety and the gut. Today, I made a collage...we'll start there next week. I am also eating my feelings, which is less good.

It's a Hard Week.

Amandae8787 · Jan 17, 2020 at 12:20 PM

I wish you would reply on my email. I have waited two days for your reply. Maybe you’re busy, or maybe you just don’t care. I haven’t told anyone the things I told you in that email, and I feel stupid for thinking that you’d care.

I guess I have to wait until I see you. I don’t want to be a burden for you. I just wish you would understand how much a short reply would mean to me.

I thought I could count on you. I hate being like this and that your words mean that much to me.

zoiecat · Jan 21, 2020 at 11:14 AM

Well I guess the ball is in your court today. We will either stick it out, you will terminate me or I will quit. Today will be nerve wracking that is for sure.

Lemoncake · Jan 26, 2020 at 04:18 AM

LT Im sorry H wasn't supportive about this. I'd be worried if I had a car and needed to be somewhere else the next day.

You are handling it the best way you can.

LonesomeTonight · Jan 26, 2020 at 08:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

LT Im sorry H wasn't supportive about this. I'd be worried if I had a car and needed to be somewhere else the next day.

You are handling it the best way you can.

Thanks, Lemon. He did apologize later. AAA* is on the way to my house now. They'll test the battery and can replace it if it's that--if it isn't, guess I'll need to request a tow, and repair shops won't be open today.

*Not sure if they have that in UK--membership that provides roadside assistance for cars, including testing/replacing battery or towing (not to be confused with AA).

Lemoncake · Jan 26, 2020 at 10:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Thanks, Lemon. He did apologize later. AAA* is on the way to my house now. They'll test the battery and can replace it if it's that--if it isn't, guess I'll need to request a tow, and repair shops won't be open today.

*Not sure if they have that in UK--membership that provides roadside assistance for cars, including testing/replacing battery or towing (not to be confused with AA).

Yep we have that here. I don't have a car, but my dad is a member of the RAC which is cheaper for him!

Blueberry21 · Jan 26, 2020 at 10:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

Possible trigger:

I had a sexual dream of you for the first time and it makes me feel rather dirty,even though I know it's just a dream. I won't tell you this but you and I were in my old year 6 school classroom. You were there touching yourself and trying to be all sexy with my teacher. You already had a son with her. Then you suddenly had a new baby daughterwith black hair and big eyes and I say "oh a new baby" i'm just moving around oblivious to it all as a 7 year old but still next to you.

@Lemoncake I just wanted to thank you for sharing this. It makes me feel better about the awkward sexual transference dreams I had a couple months ago. Ultimately we can’t control our dreams... sometimes can interpret and learn from them, other times need to just let them go.

In this case it sounds like you were positioning your T as a teacher or a parent figure, and have curiosity about him sexually just as any child sometimes has sexual curiosity about adults in their lives... which can feel awkward but is totally normal. I wouldn’t sweat it

.

Lemoncake · Jan 27, 2020 at 12:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blueberry21

@Lemoncake I just wanted to thank you for sharing this. It makes me feel better about the awkward sexual transference dreams I had a couple months ago. Ultimately we can’t control our dreams... sometimes can interpret and learn from them, other times need to just let them go.

In this case it sounds like you were positioning your T as a teacher or a parent figure, and have curiosity about him sexually just as any child sometimes has sexual curiosity about adults in their lives... which can feel awkward but is totally normal. I wouldn’t sweat it

.

Thank you for posting.

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

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Lemoncake Roses are falling. Member Since May 2017 Location: Cafe Nervosa. Posts: 9,734 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.2k hugs given	Jan 16, 2020 at 01:05 AM #1 Anything you would like to say to your therapist, big or small... post it here. __________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing."

SummerTime12 Grand Member Member Since Mar 2013 Location: USA Posts: 876 11 601 hugs given	Jan 16, 2020 at 10:13 AM #4 Now would be a great time to check your email

comrademoomoo Grand Poohbah Member Since Feb 2019 Location: Toodlepip Posts: 1,728 5	Jan 16, 2020 at 01:54 PM #6 Excruciating email incoming ... countdown to lift-off commenced. You were good in the last session, really good. You are smart and brave, sometimes I am reminded of why I continue to work with you. Most of the time you are a horror of course.

ElectricManatee Magnate Member Since May 2017 Location: Earth Posts: 2,515 6 4,704 hugs given	Jan 16, 2020 at 02:42 PM #9 I hope you bring your "A" game tomorrow because I have some stuff to get into. It could be really good, or it could be a total disaster. That describes most of our sessions lately, though. I really just hope you're not weird and distant.

zoiecat Grand Member Member Since Apr 2017 Location: USA Posts: 916 7 409 hugs given	Jan 21, 2020 at 11:14 AM #15 Well I guess the ball is in your court today. We will either stick it out, you will terminate me or I will quit. Today will be nerve wracking that is for sure.

Lemoncake Roses are falling. Member Since May 2017 Location: Cafe Nervosa. Posts: 9,734 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.2k hugs given	Jan 26, 2020 at 04:18 AM #16 LT Im sorry H wasn't supportive about this. I'd be worried if I had a car and needed to be somewhere else the next day. You are handling it the best way you can. __________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing."