[sarahsweets]

I am not in therapy anymore. I had been in therapy for 16 years and was well overdue to end it. Years ago I would have said it didnt matter and that in fact a male therapist was actually better for me. I got sober and the importance of good, healthy female relationships was stressed and having other women with me in my journey of sobriety and I felt like I had clarity. As nice and understanding and gentle as my therapist was, it would have been better in hindsight to have had a female. I was very comfortable with him, so that isnt the issue. Its just that truly a man cant understand certain things that are unique to women. I know people will argue with me but they do not have our experiences. So certain things we deal with are simply not going to be received and understood in the same way. I am not saying you have to have an opposite sex therapist or that there are no successful therapy relationships with people that are opposite sexes(in fact I would be willing to say that relationships with same sex/opposite sex might be a really close call). I am just thinking that especially in the cases of sexual trauma it might be beneficial to deal with someone who identifies with your sex- even gender identifying makes sense to me.
I wonder if the icidences of romantic transference would be less?
I talked a lot about some sexual situations with my male therapist and looking back based on his personality I wonder if he was a little....uh.. turned on? curious? Something was a little off. What do you all think?

[Omers]

I tried to work with several women before finding my current T. None of them did me any good. There was a lot of incompetence but I do wonder if gender played a part as well. I have CPTSD and was afraid of men because of the trauma. Current T was very gentle/protective about making me feel safe in session in ways female T’s don’t really ever have to learn. That was an eye opener... in reality I was like 70% afraid of people in general but faking and maybe 30% afraid of men if even that much. All the women focused on the dramatic parts of the trauma and not a single one ever went farther or deeper. Current T did and we discovered a bunch of toxic family dynamics that created the space for the other things to happen. When I was preschool age I was a daddy’s girl, what little healthy affection I got was from dad... once I knew T wasn’t going to be violent with me it has been a lot easier for me to trust him. But, it is a completely different situation. I do have a female Pdoc and I use her for the feminine side of my healing.

[~Christina]

When I first started T I was set up with a woman. I didn’t know what to expect, she was asking basic questions , where was I from .. Tampa Bay Area Florida. Oooooo she going to retire there asking tons of questions ??? I was too stunned to ask her to talk about the fact I was just IP for suicidal thinking.

appt 2 weeks later , she starts to ask me more , I said No I need support to help me , she looked annoyed but began rattling off “ feel goods” eat well, exercise , meditation, I left and was furious. So I called my insurance company , she had billed for 1 Hour session , I sat there for 30 mins.. I called the facility , the administrator asked me to come in the next day ... he told me they were looking into her billing, long story short I have been seeing ( the administrator) Richard for 9 years... he’s blunt , caring , supportive, he knows when I need a nudge or a flat out push and a male perspective.

I saw a female once while gone to Florida for 8 months she was what I call a cheerleader type , no thanks

I am very goal orientated there is a problem and my T and I work to find solution.

I don’t know how to “ do therapy” any other way.

He’s 72 when he retires I am done with Therapy.

[nottrustin]

For me a female therapist is imperative, my abuse was at the hand of multiple men. Besides my husband I cannot trust men no matter how much I try. It us really hard to trust my female Ts but I can comfortably sit alone in the same room and talk. I can't even imagine doing that and telling them deeply personal and painful stuff.

[ElectricManatee]

I think there are a few factors that might make this a bit more complicated. There are certainly people who have been sexually abused by people of the same sex, which might make an opposite-sex therapist seem safer to them. There are also plenty of gay people who might be more likely to have romantic transference feelings toward a same-sex therapist. Sex and gender are not the same thing, and not everybody identifies exclusively as male or female. I think the most important thing is that people are able to find a good fit with a therapist where they can feel safe and understood in session. Some clients factor sex/gender into that equation and other people don't.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I think there are a few factors that might make this a bit more complicated. There are certainly people who have been sexually abused by people of the same sex, which might make an opposite-sex therapist seem safer to them. There are also plenty of gay people who might be more likely to have romantic transference feelings toward a same-sex therapist. Sex and gender are not the same thing, and not everybody identifies exclusively as male or female. I think the most important thing is that people are able to find a good fit with a therapist where they can feel safe and understood in session. Some clients factor sex/gender into that equation and other people don't.

I agree with this. Also, as a (heterosexual) female, for whatever reason, I find it easier to be more open emotionally with men. Yes, there have been some transference issues for me, but I also had negative maternal transference for my ex-T (female), which negatively affected the relationship. I think so much just depends on the individual client and individual T.

[ArtleyWilkins]

I think it is an oversimplification to say a man just can't understand things that are unique to a woman (or vice versa). That is assuming gender first of all. It is assuming "female" or "male" issues are the reason for being in therapy in the first place. It assumes sexual trauma is always at the hands of someone of the opposite gender. It assumes the opposite gender will be somehow sexually or romantically swayed in the presence of the a person of opposite gender. It assumes someone of the same gender has some magical capacity for empathy simply by being a gender.

It just isn't usually that simple.

I didn't initially have a preference for the gender of my therapists. My issues weren't tied to me being female. I was abused sexually, but I wasn't fearful of men (probably because I had been abused by both genders at different points in my childhood). I actually wasn't fearful. I was traumatized. It didn't require a particular gender to hear my story, to empathize with the baggage I carried because of my trauma, to listen actively and help me find a way through. It just took a skilled, supportive, ethical, professional therapist. I would have been fine with that person being a therapist of either gender.

It just so happened that the therapists who fit that bill for me were men. The female therapists I tried were overly emotional, worked too hard to somehow prove to me that "they understood." It reeked of falseness and lack of boundaries. Honestly. How dare they assume they understand just because they are also female! The male therapists were much more able to just sit back and listen, to hear my story and honor MY experience instead of trying to prove they somehow innately understood. Their ability to respect my story for its individuality and to respect me as the ultimate expert of my own experience was exactly what I needed.

For me, I didn't find that in any therapist of my own gender. It took therapists willing to admit they weren't the automatically the experts simply by means of sharing my gender.

[Polibeth]

I had a male T for 9 years before I moved to another state. Now I've had a female T for the last 10 years. Both were well-suited for me in different ways. Both had their positive and negative traits (as all people do). For me it's not gender but how well they can work with me.

[SlumberKitty]

I always thought I would prefer a female therapist. I worked with a female therapist for 10 years whom I adored. When she got sick, I sought out another female therapist. I found one, Regular T, who I still see. But in the meantime I started seeing my Pastor for therapy. Initially I was very afraid of him being male even though it's ironic because my abuse came mostly from my mother. I just am more comfortable with females generally but over time, I have seen some good traits come from him that I probably wouldn't have seen in a female T. There have also been some not so great traits that have come from him, but that's nothing to do with his gender and far more to do with how he views things and some spiritual matters.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

I think it is an oversimplification to say a man just can't understand things that are unique to a woman (or vice versa). That is assuming gender first of all. It is assuming "female" or "male" issues are the reason for being in therapy in the first place. It assumes sexual trauma is always at the hands of someone of the opposite gender. It assumes the opposite gender will be somehow sexually or romantically swayed in the presence of the a person of opposite gender. It assumes someone of the same gender has some magical capacity for empathy simply by being a gender.

It just isn't usually that simple.

I didn't initially have a preference for the gender of my therapists. My issues weren't tied to me being female. I was abused sexually, but I wasn't fearful of men (probably because I had been abused by both genders at different points in my childhood). I actually wasn't fearful. I was traumatized. It didn't require a particular gender to hear my story, to empathize with the baggage I carried because of my trauma, to listen actively and help me find a way through. It just took a skilled, supportive, ethical, professional therapist. I would have been fine with that person being a therapist of either gender.

It just so happened that the therapists who fit that bill for me were men. The female therapists I tried were overly emotional, worked too hard to somehow prove to me that "they understood." It reeked of falseness and lack of boundaries. Honestly. How dare they assume they understand just because they are also female! The male therapists were much more able to just sit back and listen, to hear my story and honor MY experience instead of trying to prove they somehow innately understood. Their ability to respect my story for its individuality and to respect me as the ultimate expert of my own experience was exactly what I needed.

For me, I didn't find that in any therapist of my own gender. It took therapists willing to admit they weren't the automatically the experts simply by means of sharing my gender.

Them trying to prove they understood without the actually living would be difficult to handle. Both of therapists have been very upfront that they themselves had never experienced any type of abuse. The could empathize and have training but could never truly know what it felt like.

There have been a few areas with EMDR T where she said something about various issues like parenting and grief that showed that she really did understand. We discuss it and she recognizes that while she is very good in these issues because of some of my complex issues I don't follow the norm.

[stopdog]

I don't think either is better in a vacuum. I would never hire a man - but I don't hire male professionals for almost anything for a number of reasons. I think it is whichever you think you want. Some people prefer one over the other and some people don't care.

[Siennasays]

I definitely think this is a largely personal experience and preference question. I have a lot of issues with men and know there is no way I'd be able to sit and talk with a male therapist. I also largely started going to therapy for post partum issues and didn't feel a male therapist would have benefited me even if I didn't have the other issues.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

It depends completely on the client's history and preference. I have never seen a male T as I feel I couldn't open up to a man. Maybe I'm wrong but I will likely never know as I'm happy with the female Ts I have seen and the one I see now.

I can't speak for other people, and I really do think that individual therapists can sometimes offer more "as a person and mental health professional" than as just a woman or man. I will speak for myself, though, based on my personal issues.

I always gravitated towards male psychiatrists and male therapists. I'm a female. In the early days, I always seemed to have negative transferences with female therapists, and it seemed clear that those female therapists were not happy or comfortable with me, either. One seemed to always give me "the stink eye". Another "reminded me of my horrible grandmother" or "general". A couple were too "motherly". One in a negative way, and the other in what was ultimately an unhelpful, yet otherwise pleasant way. Another was scared of me. That's what she told my male psychiatrist. That therapeutic relationship ended soon after.

So I started going back to male therapists. The problem with that, is that there always seemed to be some kind of erotic transference and/OR erotic countertransference. It was not healthy or helpful. In a couple cases it was downright spooky. I labeled one male psychologist the "adulation therapist". The number of compliments I received from him was mind-blowing. Plus, he often found some excuse to touch me. "Ohhhh, your sweater looks so soft, can I stroke it? You look particularly beautiful today. Can I approach you and look at your eyes much closer? You're the most amazing client I have ever had. Any company in the world would be blessed to have an employee like you. Etc!" Ummmmmm! Not good! Certainly my hypomanic and manic behavior didn't help, either. I am prone to becoming flirtatious with men, or at least being extremely exuberant. With women, I can be a bit aggressive, or guarded, but still loquacious.

I happen to have a transference love for my male psychiatrist (med manager) of 14 years. He knows it. He clearly has an affection for me, too, but it's regulated. In any case, he, himself, has told me that I should ONLY have female therapists. But he's OK as my psychiatrist. The fact is, I do need to work on improving my relationships with women. It makes sense that that is best done with a female therapist. Over the last 7 ? years, I have had only female therapists, with a brief 2 session exception, when I saw a male...and I felt he was staring at me. lustfully, and kept locking the door. It's taken a lot of work and time, but my most recent good female therapists have been beneficial for me. I say "good" because a couple short-term female therapists were not up for my case. I even attempted to go to one that flat out refused to take me on, saying she would have needed a "team" to help her, given my situation. That was a laugh! At least I didn't waste time going to her.

My most recent female therapist is great. Zero transference of any kind. I think zero countertransference. It's amazing!

[divine1966]

There are no rules. It’s individual preference and sometimes it depends on your previous experiences, what works better and number of other reasons for specific individuals

I had women commenting how they don’t comprehend how I have male ob/gyn. Yes I prefer males due to bad experience with female gyn and my male gyn is excellent and very experienced. I do prefer female therapists. But male GP. I like female hairdresser etc No preference with dentists but I usually have females.

[junkDNA]

I think this is highly dependent on the individual

[OliverB]

I am more confortable with male T, they tend to be less direct. Maybe they know they can scare women easily.

[sarahsweets]

Everyone has made really good points and I need to apologize. I apologize for any assumptions I made about gender or biological sex. I do realize these are not the same thing and I should have been more sensitive. I am still learning how to properly use the correct pronouns when it comes to gender identity. My son has a couple of gender fluid friends and I am trying to learn how to use the they/them pronouns in the right way and I struggle with the grammatical way to do that. I also apologize for not considering that trauma and abuse can be perpetrated by someone of the same sex. You are all absolutely right about this. I have a friend who was abused by his uncle so I should have known better when I wrote my op. I hope no one thought I was invalidating or minimizing their experiences. I had a really good long term (16 years) relationship with a male therapist. I believe that he really helped restore my faith and comfort in men, keeping me from internal generalizations about how men behave. I am fortunate that I have a really good husband who is gentle and kind. In fact I have no idea how we ended up together considering my trauma led me to date the wrong men all my life until him. I choose to look at falling in love with him like it was fate. And It happened when I was 19 so I was spared a long life of being abused by men and dating the wrong ones. I think it was after I got sober and learned about healthy relationships with women that I may have started to see things differently. But I cant say that my male therapist was bad or a mistake because it really taught me a lot. Maybe I meant more that there is a therapy "journey" that some of us make where we work with one type of therapist and then get to a point and try a different type. We have a family therapist now that we began to see 2 years ago after my daughter ran away. She sees my 1 daughter regularly and has seen just me and my husband when we had to discuss our relationship in the context of my daughter. She also sees me privately occasionally and just started seeing my oldest daughter on her own. We saw her as a family at one point. And she has been a real positive force on us through all of this. Ironically for years I wrote off all female therapists because I feel like I was conditioned to gravitate towards men. So I didnt give any females a chance. And to be fair, I tried women therapists during my teen years and they were all not good. In fact when I was in therapy with one of them and my dad, my NPD dad managed to manipulate one of them into a weird flirtatious sort of thing that I only now realize because I am an adult.

I suppose a lot of it has to do with being let down by therapists of the same sex or not the same sex.
At the risk of generalizing again I wonder if this issue is more of something women clients struggle with. If we are traumatized and conditioned by men we dont automatically gravitate to women therapists. Some of us need the healthy male role model to heal. Some of us are not ready to build a safe relationship with women. Some of us get manipulated by male therapists and think that a continuation of a relationship with a man is the only way and in some sad cases this can allow male therapists to F with us in the client-therapist relationship.

Then there are women who were abused by other women or had that fundamental lack of a mother relationship that keeps us closed to other female relationships, especially in a vunerable therapy environment. So basically I am guilty of complete generalizations and lack of consideration for everyone else's experience and I thank you all for being kind enough to share your experiences with me in a non-attacking way. Its really been helpful.
And again, my apologies if I was unvalidating or lacked compassion for everyone's experiences.
As an aside maybe someone can help me understand better the differences with sex, gender, pronouns and how all of that works in a therapy relationship.
XXXOOO