[Merope]

So I thought I knew a lot about T from what he shared with me and what I found out by googling him. Well, yesterday I found out that he has a new gf and even though I sort of knew he wasn’t single, the confirmation shifted something in me. I think it altered the way I imagine him outside of session and now I can’t shake off the feelings of intense jealousy and grief. I have mostly paternal transference (sometimes a tiny bit of erotic) so the jealousy doesn’t have much to do with me wanting to be with him in a romantic way (I have realistic expectations, he’s my therapist). I guess it feels like my dad has a new girlfriend who isn’t my mum and I’m weary of her. I know it’s a crazy description but i can’t help feeling threatened. I realise this is a response from a younger, wounded part of me, but it’s driving me mad.

I have looked at my T’s Facebook a few times. There are a few public photos of a couple of his ex long term partners and some of his extended family...but there is nothing on his new partner. I only know that she exists and that’s it. I know it’s wrong and intrusive to be curious about her, but what it she decides she wants to move and they leave the city? I assume she might be close in age to him (52), but what if she’s much younger and they’ll start having kids? I know how crazy these thoughts are and I’m realising they all have to do with me feeling like I’m no longer special to him (I realise this is also a fantasy). And they also all go back to my insecurities around abandonment. I think I can just about handle him having a gf...if he were to start having kids I think a part of me would genuinely crumble and die. I’m so, so ashamed of being selfish enough to feel this way and I’d switch it off if I could. I really wish I could. But its like a horrendous fear and it’s eating me alive. I’m jealous enough of his other clients....I think I’d feel like a massive, worthless human being if he had kids. I have no idea why. It scares me how strong the angst is.

Knowing that he has a gf has made me feel extremely excluded from his life (again, I know I’m not in his real life) and jealous that there are people out there who get to have so much more of him. Who don’t have to pay for an hour of his time. Literally anyone else he meets who isn’t a client can be a potential friend or lover or whatever. I love my relationship with him and I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world, but I think the knowledge that he’s got this life I know nothing about makes me feel uneasy and unimportant and a massive loser for hurting so much over something that is actually good. I’m happy that he isn’t alone because he’s wonderful. But it hurts that he means so much to me and yet I’ll always be excluded from his real life. I know these are just feelings and I wouldn’t act on them—I know I’m his patient and he is my t and that’s that. BUT IT SUDDENLY HURTS SO MUCH! Literally a few days ago I was so content with everything. I have no idea where these feelings came from.

Can someone please remind me why the therapeutic relationship has its own advantages? And why it’s real despite not being in the real world? And how people to have strong, meaningful, important, fulfilling connections even when they’re not family/friends/lovers?

Please no negative comments about the T relationship being harmful/bad, I don’t think I can deal with them right now.

Why does it hurt so much? I don’t understand.

Sorry for the length of this post and thank you so much for reading if you’ve made it this far.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

I have very similar feelings about my female T who has just got married (to a man) and totally understand how painful and all consuming these feelings are, right down to the terror of abandonment and feeling jealous of the man in her life who gets to see her for free. I hate the fact she has another life that I'm not a part of. The feelings are crippling and I have a big dose of erotic transference thrown into the mix.

What has helped me is talking to T about the feelings. I know that feels horrendous to do and yes to some extent it is, but for me that is the only way forward. It does take a very good and aware therapist, but if yours is, hopefully you'll feel reassured by him that your feelings are normal and nothing to be ashamed about. My T sees these feelings as natural considering the nature of the therapeutic relationship which is emotionally intimate and one where someone has your best interests at heart and even cares about you unconditionally. Why wouldn't anyone develop deep feelings and needs towards someone giving them that?

I know it hurts, I said exactly the same to my T. It hurts... She said opening the heart to someone hurts, but that is a risk we take when we are vulnerable with another person. It can pay dividends because it is in the risk and being vulnerable that healing can happen.

Please try and tell T if you think you can. I know some people have had bad experiences with telling their Ts about such feelings and they may post them here but really you have to know and trust your own T on this. My T reacted beautifully and empathically and I hope yours does too. Because this is such a common thing in therapy...it's human to care deeply about someone who invests in you. And it's normal to long for more from them and to feel jealous of anyone who is a potential threat to what you have with your T. It's in understanding where those feelings originate (I.e childhood) that they can be listened to and worked through.

The therapy relationship IS real because the people in them are both human beings! It's just a different kind of relationship. It's still two people in a relationship with each other, just that the focus is on one. Its still two people relating and connecting...especially in humanistic kinds of therapy where the T believes in being congruent (authentic) with the client. It matters because it's where healing can happen, it's the only relationship usually where the focus is on understanding YOU and helping you grow in the way you need. Its supposed to be a place where you can feel accepted and safe and understood and seen and heard for who you are.

[Yaowen]

Hi Merope,

I'm sorry you are hurting. Wish I had some wisdom to share with you but sadly I was in a similar situation before and it was only time that healed the pain. I hope you get more helpful words from others here today. My heart really goes out to you !

[Omers]

I’m sorry this has brought out so much pain. My T often reminds me that he is my doctor AND we have a relationship. A real, valid relationship just as special as any one in his life outside of work. The primary thing that is different is how we are allowed to express the feelings between us because he is my doctor. I get to see him more often than his kids and grandkids do, I don’t have to put up with him when he is sick or in a bad mood, I get a lot more time with him than any of his friends do, I don’t have to put up with the crazy antics of his that his wife does. Something about how he says it and how sencere he is really makes me feel better.
My T came into the store I used to work at once with a family member. It was a small store and, well, he is T so I always knew where he was at and listened to them talk. To be honest outside of his office he kinda comes off as a somewhat insecure dork. He has a lot of traits I could not handle all the time or out in public... maybe I am just not healthy enough yet and maybe I am just judge mental. But, in reality we see T at their best giving 100% of themselves to US and us alone. We don’t typically see the real them... them with bedhead and unbrushed teeth and before their coffee...so when we look at our google discoveries we are getting what they want the world to see of their best self and pairing that with our experience of them at their best... it isn’t a real picture that we see. As clients we kinda get the fairytale version of who they are.

And in my experience of T’s them finding a new partner or getting married has been far less disruptive on my experience with them than when they get a divorce. Just my experience but...

[Merope]

Thank you all—I will reply properly in a bit. I honestly don’t know what is going on with me. I can’t stop crying and feeling like it’s all gonna come crushing down because that’s just what happens in my life and there’s no escaping it. I feel sick to my stomach. I don’t know what triggered this. There’s something wrong with me.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Originally Posted by Merope

Thank you all—I will reply properly in a bit. I honestly don’t know what is going on with me. I can’t stop crying and feeling like it’s all gonna come crushing down because that’s just what happens in my life and there’s no escaping it. I feel sick to my stomach. I don’t know what triggered this. There’s something wrong with me.

There's nothing wrong with you. You're feeling painful stuff and it no doubt relates to a whole host of past issues. It's significant that it's surfacing now. I'm going through something really similar re my T's marriage. It's not logical so you can't make sense of it - it's deeply emotional but very real. It's the terror of losing someone so important to you. I hope you may be able to tell T at some point.

[Merope]

I don’t know how to tell him. I desperately want to, but we ended on such a high note that I’m scared of ruining everything because I’m being like this.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

I was scared of that too...still am a bit...but T says everything is still just as it was, will always be just as it is.

It's okay to feel like you are, it doesn't mean it will turn anything bad. It might really help to share your feelings even just a bit. Please be gentle with yourself right now.

[Omers]

I have been late to T twice. Once I wrote the wrong time down. The other time I pulled into the parking lot and parked behind his car was his wife’s car! I was 15min early and in pure panic. I saw he walk out and tried to look busy in my car (ROFL) I had never seen her before the only way I knew it was her was because T drove her car once when his was in the shop. It is kinda a unique car in that area of town. I didn’t get out of my car until I knew she had time to be at least two blocks away! T was shocked I was late especially seeing as he knew my car was there on time. Busted!!! So I rolled and told him that I assumed that was his wife because of the car and I was afraid of her. He looked at me totally puzzled. I explained that women love me or hate me on first sight and wives usually hate me. I knew she was the one person that could take T away from me. T asked if it was OK for us to talk about it and I told him NO. I didn’t want to have to think about being attached to him and it would ruin everything if I had to admit he was important. He kind of looked like a puppy that just got scolded he was so sad that caring about someone brought me that much fear. He dropped it though. But every once in a while he tells me he cares about me and asks if it is OK that he tells me that... so he still remembers that it hurts if I have to admit I am attached to him.

[Merope]

Lonelyinmyheart, thank you for your comments! I’ll definitely try to bring it up to him. I feel like it’s the only thing that will bring me some peace—the reassurance that just because he has a new gf, things won’t change. In all fairness, the new gf may not even be that new....they could have been a couple even before I met him. I definitely think I’m projecting something onto him because this situation reminds me of when my parents split up and then found new partners and suddenly I stopped being a priority for both of them.

Omers, that’s exactly how part of me feels—like she’s the only person who has the power to take him away from me. I know he has no children but what if that changes? I feel selfish for feeling this way, but when I found out he wasn’t a parent, I was relieved. At least that’s something that won’t make me feel jealous and I excluded. I keep reasoning with myself that maybe she’s a similar age to him or that maybe she has kids from another partner so the relationship she has with T isn’t one where kids are an option. I like to think that they’re both in their mid to late 40s or early 50s and not keen to be parents together. I’m disgusted with myself for giving this so much thought. I know he’ll never be my dad but because he has no kids, I like to imagine that maybe he gets some parental needs fulfilled through helping his patients. And I know it sounds crazy, but that makes me feel a little bit special to him. Is it wrong to want to feel a little special to someone who is so important to you? I’d give an arm to be part of his family.

Last session he said something to me (which is too personal to post on here) that warmed me so much. It was the first time he verbally acknowledged that he sort of likes me as a person. I left the session feeling extremely happy, but then fell in this rabbit hole of jealous angst.

I think I need to feel safe with him again. The knowledge of his new gf has sort of altered the fantasy I have of him in between sessions and that feels alien and strange. I think it will all be ok once I get used to the idea. I really hope the pain will go soon. I’m struggling too much during the day to be productive at work. I keep searching his Facebook for signs of her just so I can put a face to the name (not that I know her name). I feel disgusting for being such a creep.

[susannahsays]

I think you mean you're wary, not weary. Maybe.

He'll probably break up with her, and if not, most marriages end in divorce. I guess that's something.

[here today]

Originally Posted by Merope

. . .if he were to start having kids I think a part of me would genuinely crumble and die. . .

Can you examine this (feeling) within yourself some more? Particularly in light of your (mostly) paternal transference?

According to Heinz Kohut, maybe some other psychologists I don't know, when we are children our parents are experienced as extensions of ourselves. With good-enough real life experiences we can grow out of that. The inner strength of our association with them remains but we also accept their separateness as independent human beings.

If/when the parents fail us (badly, maybe they couldn't help it but still. . .), the developmental process gets stymied/broken. But, theoretically, it can get restarted in (good) therapy.

For me, if/when I can examine/feel/accept the PAIN of those "failings" on the part of people in my early life, then there is like more of a chance of moving on, of letting the pain go, or it dissipates?, and the developmental process can restart somewhat. Not as good as if everything had been OK when I was 3 or 5 or something, but maybe better than nothing? And doesn't always work -- there's the rub. But if you're feeling the pain crumbling and dying -- I think part of me DID crumble and die way back when. I'm moving on a little bit, it didn't exactly totally die, maybe, but that doesn't mean it's easy.

[Rive.]

Being the focus of someone's care, having their undivided attention for 50 minutes or whatever can be... addictive.

Most, esp. those who never had that or craved that, would want that.

Reality is harsh though and things like this ('intrusion' of their personal life into the therapy room) can bring a painful reality check. Maybe also the belief that love/care is finite and the more people they give their love too, the less there will be for you or that you simply won't matter.

[TeaVicar?]

Ouch, this is understandably a painful time for you.

Can you tell him that you know and get to the bottom of why him having kids would be so painful for you? It sounds like you have deeper issues to work with there.

I think having a professional, therapeutic relationship can have more positives. He will (hopefully) engage with you, with an open mind and an open heart, more so than if you were a friend or family member. He is there, solely for you, you don't have to worry about or take on his issues. He'll probably make more of an effort to show positive regard towards you and keep negative emotions in check. It isn't like any other relationship in his life because it IS special and unique. The fact that you can't be part of his every day life, is painful though and you can't pretend it isn't. Both relationship realities have pros and cons. In some respects we just have to make do with what we have and try to talk about the painful feelings that arise from it. Wishing you well xx

[nottrustin]

I wish I had an answer for you. My T started a relationship while I was seeing her. I also worried about the theraputic relationship changing. I never told her of my fears. I wish I did but the reality was as a therapist she never changed. Yeah she started doing our and being busy outside of her office hours so occasionally it took her longer to respond to emails but she always did. She continued to be a great therapist. Also, although I was afraid she would stop working because of the relationship, I was happy that she was finally in a happy, loving relationship