[SoAn]

Hey everybody,

After I ended therapy with my ex T, he mentioned to me that in case I would like to update him on how I'm doing, I could always send him an e-mail.
I'm considering sending him one. I'm uncertain where to draw the line between too friendly and unnecessarily formal. Our therapeutic relationship was loose in a way, we joked regularly, so I don't think I need to be too serious.

How have those of you who updated their T's, say months or years after ending therapy, approached this?

If anyone has snippets of their own messages to their T's they feel comfortable posting or PM'ing me , that would be helpful too.

But any thoughts are very welcome. Thanks in advance !

[SlumberKitty]

Yes, I have emailed my former T. I keep it lighter than I would have if I would have been still in therapy with her. I just let her know how I am functioning, how I am doing at work, how my illness is doing etc. It is sort of like writing an email to a friend, but also a little more formal. I let her know that I miss her, that I still think of her and that I hope she is doing well. We had to stop because she got ill with MS so it wasn't like we wanted to stop working together. I may mention a time when she was helpful to me, but overall, I try to keep it in the here and now and how I am doing now. Also I might express that I wish I could see her (even though I know that isn't possible) because I would love to discuss what I am currently going through with her. When she responds, which she doesn't always, it is much more brief than when I was her client. It focuses on me establishing and maintaining a good relationship with my current T and she'll often tell me to make sure I tell my current T about whatever is currently going on with me. Because she knows I have trouble talking. She reminds me of her care for me, and that she thinks of me too. That is about it. It's always nice to hear from her and hopefully she feels that way about me. Best of luck to you, Kit

[SoAn]

Thank you so much, for replying so fast and for what you said. It's really helpful to me, it makes it easier to imagine where the boundaries are. And about their replies: I asked him at the time if he would reply at all or just a brief reply, but you mentioning that her replies are shorter than they were during therapy is a good reminder for me regarding what to expect. The way she replies to you still sounds really nice and caring, though. I'll try not to hope for such a reply, but I'm glad for you that she responds that way. Good luck to you too.

[Omers]

1st T and I kept in touch to different degrees until fairly recently. I didn’t go into much detail but hit major points especially if it was something she had influenced or impacted. Most of the others if I contacted them I kept it super brief. I also update a priest that never did therapy with me but was a very healing relationship. I don’t get into a lot of detail but I let him know how I am and update him on any seeds he planted that have started to grow. It has been 20 years since I was a part of his church and nearly 10 years since I saw him and I email him 3-4 times a year. I also sent condolences when his mother passed away.

I wrote to a former high school teacher about how helpful he had been to me and continues to be in my life... that one was a bit long and detailed. I never heard back from him... but then I graduated high school in 1996.

[Quietmind 2]

I updated my ex T on major events that happened after our therapy ended. Such as how I continue to see her colleague. I knew she'd birthed her first child as it was related to why we ended, so I sent well wishes and expressed how I believe she would be a good parent. I also wrote about the impact she had on me, and how I miss her and think of her with fondness.

It was a few paragraphs. And she wrote a few paragraphs in reply.

[ArtleyWilkins]

I’ve kept in touch with all of my old therapists. Used to be via email a few times a year — just family updates, major events, etc. I don’t get very “therapy” about it; they aren’t my therapists anymore and honestly I don’t want to talk about the past anymore — just isn’t my focus. The last few years we’ve become FB friends so we actually just keep up that way which is rather uneventful and not something we even think about much. I did email my last therapist concerning a medical/cognitive health issue concerning my husband just asking for information about where and how to pursue evaluation and treatment. I knew he’d know more about where the heck to start than I would and he was very helpful with that information, but otherwise, we keep it very light and friendly.

Have you spent some time wondering what your motivations are for contacting him? A few months ago, I wrote an "update email" to my previous therapist. "An update" was just a cover story for me. I was in pain in my current therapy and wanted to connect with someone who had been solid and who had known me at some meaningful level. I wrote the email, but I didn't send it. I sat with it for a few days and realised that I wanted connection (not with him necessarily, but with someone) and that he could no longer provide what I needed. I am pleased I have not (yet) sent it.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

I write letters to a T I saw many years ago. I probably write about twice yearly on average. I let her know what's going on in my life currently - how work/family etc is, what I've been up to. I talk a little about emotional things i.e a death in the family, but I don't use her for emotional support as she's not my t anymore. The key for me is not expecting a response. She usually does respond eventually, but not always as she's a very busy woman. I don't ask her about her life since she's not a friend. I guess it's just a way of keeping in contact with someone who meant a lot to me.

[susannahsays]

I don't think you should do this based on the reason you terminated with him. I don't think having contact of any sort with him is good for you. Seems like it might end up like with how you asked him to block your phone number after you accidentally texted him that time. Might just suck you back in. That's just my opinion, though.

[SoAn]

Thanks everybody for explaining in detail how you approach and have approached this. It's giving me ideas about what to write and how. Very helpful, thanks!

[ok, after this I thought about comrademoomoo's question and now I feel differently about writing him:]
comrademoomoo: yeah, good question. Another reason why I'm unsure how to write him is that I am still very attached to him, and would actually want to meet him outside therapy as friends or more. I want to write him things that I shouldn't write him, such as about my feelings for him. It feels odd to write him without any reference to that, since atm it's a big part of my mental life. But I wouldn't, of course. I think all in all I'm not ready to write him without there being any connection going on between us. Yeah, I think the reason for writing him is to connect with him.

[preliminary conclusion]
Maybe too early to write him. I'll just keep thinking and drafting though if I feel like it.

[SoAn]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

I don't think you should do this based on the reason you terminated with him. I don't think having contact of any sort with him is good for you. Seems like it might end up like with how you asked him to block your phone number after you accidentally texted him that time. Might just suck you back in. That's just my opinion, though.

yeah, I've also thought about that. I don't think he'd really respond now, and that something similar would happen. But I agree with you that I am still a bit vulnerable at the moment. I'm going to bed now but I'll sleep on all of this, thanks for your reply !