My T allows hugs. I find saying goodbye to her each week (in normal times) hard. I think a hug could be helpful, but I feel unworthy of them. Maybe I feel she wouldn’t want to hug me? Has anyone got any words of wisdom or can anyone relate and help me to understand this, or put it into words?

[Omers]

I asked T for hugs and I was OK with that. At one point though T offered to hold me. I felt totally dirty and unworthy. So we talked about it a lot for two sessions. What it would look like, what it would feel like, was he really OK with it.... talking about it over several weeks really helped.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

I love hugs but my problem is finding it really hard to let go. That makes me feel needy and ashamed but having a really gentle understanding T helps. She is firm about boundaries but never forces me to let go. I think hugs are incredibly healing if they are right for the particular T and client relationship. Talking about the issues in the open can go a long way towards making the hugs more comfortable to manage.

[sophiebunny]

I can't tolerate any kind of touch from almost anybody, including incidental touch in a crowded room. My daughter being the one exception and that took a lot of therapy that's used for phobias to allow. My therapist and I give a hand signal to each other signifying a hug. It works well for me.

Originally Posted by Omers

I asked T for hugs and I was OK with that. At one point though T offered to hold me. I felt totally dirty and unworthy. So we talked about it a lot for two sessions. What it would look like, what it would feel like, was he really OK with it.... talking about it over several weeks really helped.

Thanks Omer, good to know that others have a sense of feeling ‘unworthy’. It feels a bit absurd to feel that.

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

I love hugs but my problem is finding it really hard to let go. That makes me feel needy and ashamed but having a really gentle understanding T helps. She is firm about boundaries but never forces me to let go. I think hugs are incredibly healing if they are right for the particular T and client relationship. Talking about the issues in the open can go a long way towards making the hugs more comfortable to manage.

You must love hugs if it’s so hard to let go!

Originally Posted by sophiebunny

I can't tolerate any kind of touch from almost anybody, including incidental touch in a crowded room. My daughter being the one exception and that took a lot of therapy that's used for phobias to allow. My therapist and I give a hand signal to each other signifying a hug. It works well for me.

I guess something huge must have happened in your childhood to make touch this hard? I don’t know if something happened in my childhood.

[Mountaindewed]

The times she’s gotten close to me just to hand me stuff I very quickly moved away and she noticed. So I think she thinks I don’t want to be touched. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t. I don’t think I’d ever ask her for a hug though.

[MissUdy]

I brought up that I felt like hugging my T once, he said that he hugs some clients, but for me it would be too risky. I don’t think I’ve ever healed from that to be honest. If your T is offering it, and you want it, please take it you deserve to feel good.

[Christmas cookie]

I can understand feeling unworthy of hugs and support. I was abused, made to feel unworthy. I worried nobody would ever hug or care. At times I still struggle with asking for a hug. I put on a tough front.

Sorry, I don't mean to pry and if your not comfortable discussing it's okay. Did you a have a traumatic experience growing up ( abuse, neglect)? I would explore how you are feeling with your T. I know sometimes it's difficult to open up. I hope she can provide you with insights and reassurance.

Originally Posted by MissUdy

I brought up that I felt like hugging my T once, he said that he hugs some clients, but for me it would be too risky. I don’t think I’ve ever healed from that to be honest. If your T is offering it, and you want it, please take it you deserve to feel good.

That sounds very hard that your T said that. Did you ask him to explain? I would have expected him to let you decide that, not for him to make that decision for you.

Originally Posted by Christmas cookie

I can understand feeling unworthy of hugs and support. I was abused, made to feel unworthy. I worried nobody would ever hug or care. At times I still struggle with asking for a hug. I put on a tough front.

Sorry, I don't mean to pry and if your not comfortable discussing it's okay. Did you a have a traumatic experience growing up ( abuse, neglect)? I would explore how you are feeling with your T. I know sometimes it's difficult to open up. I hope she can provide you with insights and reassurance.

Thanks. It’s helpful to hear from others who find this hard too. Helpful for me to consider that my fears that I am ‘not worthy’, may be ungrounded. That belief feels very real to me. I don’t really know what happened in my early years, but it was definitely traumatic, I only know this because of the emotions that have come up since I started therapy.

[MissUdy]

Originally Posted by Ocean breeze

That sounds very hard that your T said that. Did you ask him to explain? I would have expected him to let you decide that, not for him to make that decision for you.

I had always hated people touching me, but finally felt ok and sort of wanted to hug him which was very strange for me. From what he said, I think he thought I would freak out or something. I really really hope it’s not that he just doesn’t want to touch me because I’m dirty or something. I might ask him again (when it’s safe to make physical contact!)

[tomatenoir]

After a year of therapy, I asked for a hug and was told no. I told my therapist I couldn't continue therapy without one, as his refusal made me feel like something was wrong with me (or "unworthy", as you put it). I quit. A few days after quitting I asked for a final session and was told we no longer worked together. His refusal to say goodbye hurt far more than his refusal to hug me.

Despite that, I think it's worth you asking for a hug, as therapy is rather pointless if you don't talk about what's going on with you.

But if I could have a do-over, I would have broached the subject without mentioning hugs at all. I would have said something like "there's something I want to ask of you, but your refusal will mean X to me, which is scary. I want to talk about this." I might have seen something to warn me that he would never adapt to me or didn't respect my views on what was critical to my own healing.

And I wish I'd set boundaries for myself before I asked. I would have decided what to do in advance depending on what he said. I would have decided to leave immediately and then book a final session.

When a friend or a company or a partner rejects you, you don't sit in front of them for another hour feeling ****. You go and do something productive.

I think it's very normal to want to connect physically with people we share intimate things with. And I get the feeling of being unworthy of touch. I was in therapy for a miscarriage, and the refusal entrenched my belief there was literally something wrong with my body. Took a very long time to undo the damage.

I really hope your therapist is more sensitive then mine was.

Originally Posted by tomatenoir

After a year of therapy, I asked for a hug and was told no. I told my therapist I couldn't continue therapy without one, as his refusal made me feel like something was wrong with me (or "unworthy", as you put it). I quit. A few days after quitting I asked for a final session and was told we no longer worked together. His refusal to say goodbye hurt far more than his refusal to hug me.

Despite that, I think it's worth you asking for a hug, as therapy is rather pointless if you don't talk about what's going on with you.

But if I could have a do-over, I would have broached the subject without mentioning hugs at all. I would have said something like "there's something I want to ask of you, but your refusal will mean X to me, which is scary. I want to talk about this." I might have seen something to warn me that he would never adapt to me or didn't respect my views on what was critical to my own healing.

And I wish I'd set boundaries for myself before I asked. I would have decided what to do in advance depending on what he said. I would have decided to leave immediately and then book a final session.

When a friend or a company or a partner rejects you, you don't sit in front of them for another hour feeling ****. You go and do something productive.

I think it's very normal to want to connect physically with people we share intimate things with. And I get the feeling of being unworthy of touch. I was in therapy for a miscarriage, and the refusal entrenched my belief there was literally something wrong with my body. Took a very long time to undo the damage.

I really hope your therapist is more sensitive then mine was.

I think that’s very sad that your T didn’t feel that he could hug you, and terrible that he refused a closure session with you.

[just2b]

My T once offered a hug once or twice. I had a hard time letting go the 2nd time. I then started to feel very uncomfortable with touch, even to have stopped EMDR with her tapping my legs. Moved to the hand things and i could not stand being close to her. Then one session, i really wanted a hug, and had been very dissociative and had asked for a hug. She said No. Only if the adult part of my mind wanted it. So from then on i have never asked and she knows i will not ask again. Though being apart from her now i fantasize about hugging her. Though ill never bring it up again. Last session i really wanted to say i wish we were in your office so i could ask for a hug but wont. Never ever again.