[DP_2017]

It's been a long time since I've been here. I have grown alot and wanted to share an update for those who remember me and my situation.

I hope you are all doing the best you can with everything going on, it's scary and crazy but at least we have today still.

So my first thing is, I wanted to say, I FINALLY understand what many of you had tried to tell me all along about my original T. I actually hate him and am really angry with him. While, he helped me by being there when I lost my dog and I am grateful, I realized, he hurt me so much and has made the past nearly 2 years alot tougher on me.

No other person in my life had everything bad that I hated about myself and wanted help with, in their hands, but him. He had the power to help me grow and become this amazing version of myself but instead, damaged me. Losing him was very hard and I tried to end my life over it. I thankfully went back to therapy. I saw 2 other T's. the first was iffy but the second, was the best therapist I've ever had. He saved me.

I remember not liking him at all at first, thinking his "tough boundaries" and blunt attitude was not helpful but it was the absolute best thing he could have done for me. I am not sure where I'd be today if I had not kept at it a while with him.

I will be quite blunt here, I am a very late bloomer in life (deep sexual shame growing up really messed me up)... this past summer, in my late 30s, i finally lost my virginity. Something I never thought would happen because I was too "ugly" and "gross" --After that happened, I felt "normal" and like my peers. However, I also felt intense shame, and having to talk to T3 was the hardest thing ever but he handled it well... and I was able to put myself on dating apps and go on many dates over the summer. I never really dated before either

Then this past Jan, I met this guy, we hit it off right away and ended up having a FWB situation for a few months. It was amazing, I got so much more experience and really grew in confidence. It was hard believing him constantly complimenting my body but eventually I did. I decided to make some changes to my hair and wardrobe, so I felt more confident. Sadly, long story but he cut my out of his life a few weeks ago, very suddenly.

It's been hard, I miss him, I cry sometimes, I wish so bad I could just talk to him or be around him again because unlike anyone else I've ever known, he made me feel "wanted" and like I was "enough" and those things just empowered me so much. I've done well with this loss, I have not gone down the road of negative self talk, or spiraled blaming myself. I have focused on the good lessons he brought to my life and I just live my life the best I can, and hoping he does the same. I would absolutely do everything over again with him, even knowing the ending. I can not say that for my T

I am sitting here today, sad and lonely (the virus has really got the best of many of us) but confident as heck. I look in the mirror now and know that I am worth something. There ARE guys who desire me... and there are great things about me that I bring to the world. I am working so hard on seeing the good in things rather than the bad. I have no said a negative thing about myself in a few weeks now. It's very empowering. I wish this guy was still here but man, what a gift he brought into my life. Maybe we will meet again someday and I can thank him.

I love the feeling of freedom of not caring about T anymore or when we can talk again etc, I never want to speak to him again. I don't wish him ill or anything but I surely don't care about him being in my life again. I'm in a good place and it was no thanks to him. t3 saved my life.... without him, I would never have had the courage to "go all the way" with the first guy or go on dates or even make new friends over the summer.... Without those things, I would never have met this newer guy and had my life changed for the better.

I hope you all are hanging in there, and making some progress too! Don't give up, even when life is super bleak seeming, there is hope. Stay safe.

[ElectricManatee]

Thanks for the update! It's so great to see you again and to hear that you are flourishing.

[captgut]

Glad to see you and thanks for the update! I'm glad you're feeling better, but don't forget that you're wonderful and "normal" no matter if someone "desires" you or not. You really matter. Hugs

[Merope]

Reading this makes me so happy, DP! You seem to be in a much better place! I am so sorry you have gone through so much hard stuff, but you've clearly come out stronger!

Wishing you all the best and stay safe!

[zoiecat]

Congrats DP!! I am so happy for you. Keep looking, the right guy is out there somewhere. As my T says, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince. You are also right about a T with tighter boundaries. I see so much hurt on these boards from people who see T whose boundaries are too loose. Even though clients like it, it really doesn't seem to help them in the long run. Keep up the good work. I wish you the best.

[elisewin]

That was an excellent update! Thank you for sharing! All the best to you!

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by captgut

Glad to see you and thanks for the update! I'm glad you're feeling better, but don't forget that you're wonderful and "normal" no matter if someone "desires" you or not. You really matter. Hugs

I know but it was just one of those things I felt so long like I was weird for being my age and not experiencing those things. I know I bring value to the world but it sure makes it better when I feel valued too. 😊

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by zoiecat

Congrats DP!! I am so happy for you. Keep looking, the right guy is out there somewhere. As my T says, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince. You are also right about a T with tighter boundaries. I see so much hurt on these boards from people who see T whose boundaries are too loose. Even though clients like it, it really doesn't seem to help them in the long run. Keep up the good work. I wish you the best.

I'm not sure there is a prince so to speak as I don't really want a serious relationship. I just wanted those experiences
I mean maybe I'll meet a guy to date someday and maybe not but that ok too. I'm totally happy on my own. Doing what makes me happy

[DP_2017]

Thank you everyone

I am not perfect by any means but I really see so much growth in myself and it's really awesome.

I do hope that you all can find joy and peace in your lives and see the beauty that you offer the world

Please know that while I don't plan to be here regularly, my inbox is always open if you need to talk or need some inspiration especially in these rough times, we are all in this together

[ArtieTheSequal]

Thanks for the update! Glad you're seeing so much growth in yourself!

[Forgetmenot07]

Its really good to see your update. I followed your story and remember how terribly upset you were about losing your therapist. I sometimes wondered whether the two required years of no contact have passed already and whether you eventually contacted him or if so he replied... I understand that with all the perspective and another more professional therapist you realised that it was damaging after all. Do you ever had the urge to send an update to your old therapist even to express your anger?
Its amazing to see your life moving forward and some big changes happening. Its very uplifting and inspiring to see how you found the courage and value in yourself and how it's paying off! I do wish you all the best and am glad you send the update!

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Forgetmenot07

Its really good to see your update. I followed your story and remember how terribly upset you were about losing your therapist. I sometimes wondered whether the two required years of no contact have passed already and whether you eventually contacted him or if so he replied... I understand that with all the perspective and another more professional therapist you realised that it was damaging after all. Do you ever had the urge to send an update to your old therapist even to express your anger?
Its amazing to see your life moving forward and some big changes happening. Its very uplifting and inspiring to see how you found the courage and value in yourself and how it's paying off! I do wish you all the best and am glad you send the update!

Thanks and good question. Nope. Not at all. I thought of him briefly recently with everything going on because I know he used to get sick often and I mean i would not wish the virus on him but nope. He's part of my past. That's where he belongs

My 2 yrs would be this Dec

One thing I've recently realized is, I tend to hold on to things as long as I can, not because it's good for me but for even just a while, I felt happy but I know see it as, just wasted moments. All the holding on. It's ok to have good memories and want those good feelings again and it's ok to learn from people or events but not letting things go and staying stuck to try to feel a certain way again isn't helping anyone

Allowing myself to just accept things as they were and now are is so freeing. I hope everyone here can feel freedom and peace within themselves someday

[hopealwayz]

I’m so glad to see an update from you! I’ve missed you!

[SummerTime12]

This makes me so happy

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Thanks and good question. Nope. Not at all. I thought of him briefly recently with everything going on because I know he used to get sick often and I mean i would not wish the virus on him but nope. He's part of my past. That's where he belongs

My 2 yrs would be this Dec

One thing I've recently realized is, I tend to hold on to things as long as I can, not because it's good for me but for even just a while, I felt happy but I know see it as, just wasted moments. All the holding on. It's ok to have good memories and want those good feelings again and it's ok to learn from people or events but not letting things go and staying stuck to try to feel a certain way again isn't helping anyone

Allowing myself to just accept things as they were and now are is so freeing. I hope everyone here can feel freedom and peace within themselves someday

Do you ever desire to report him even if he has changed professions?

Like what he did to you, he could do to someone else?

[Lemoncake]

I'm glad you're doing better DP.

Thanks for the update .

[Xynesthesia2]

I very rarely check into this forum these days but was so glad to see this post today, DP. I've had numerous FWB relationships when I was younger and usually quite enriching and uncomplicated. Including not making a big fuss when they pass.

Good to hear that the obsession over ex-T has subsided significantly by now. I kinda knew you would come out of that sooner rather than later

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Client xx

Do you ever desire to report him even if he has changed professions?

Like what he did to you, he could do to someone else?

Nope. Never

Only moving forward

[Forgetmenot07]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Thanks and good question. Nope. Not at all. I thought of him briefly recently with everything going on because I know he used to get sick often and I mean i would not wish the virus on him but nope. He's part of my past. That's where he belongs

My 2 yrs would be this Dec

One thing I've recently realized is, I tend to hold on to things as long as I can, not because it's good for me but for even just a while, I felt happy but I know see it as, just wasted moments. All the holding on. It's ok to have good memories and want those good feelings again and it's ok to learn from people or events but not letting things go and staying stuck to try to feel a certain way again isn't helping anyone

Allowing myself to just accept things as they were and now are is so freeing. I hope everyone here can feel freedom and peace within themselves someday

Do you mean the Decembers gone?
I often find myself wanting to send updates about my life to people that i am no longer close with.
Did you not feel the urge to tell him about the breakthrough with your relationship /sex life? I think you mentioned you talked about sex with him!
I wish i could have your perspective... I get stuck in the past so easily.
Do you think its your new therapy that gave you the new perspective or time and your own growth?

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Forgetmenot07

Do you mean the Decembers gone?
I often find myself wanting to send updates about my life to people that i am no longer close with.
Did you not feel the urge to tell him about the breakthrough with your relationship /sex life? I think you mentioned you talked about sex with him!
I wish i could have your perspective... I get stuck in the past so easily.
Do you think its your new therapy that gave you the new perspective or time and your own growth?

The Dec coming up. I mean sure for a while after he left, I constantly wished to talk but once I got past things with him. No. Keeping my past, present and future as separate as possible is key

I don't think he'd really care to be honest. Our whatever we had wasn't real. It's not his business anyway what I'm doing now

New therapy helped but this guy i was seeing more recently was the best thing that ever happened to me. I miss him like crazy and cry often because of it. Was very difficult being cut out suddenly but I didn't see any use in my old methods of self hate and spiraling so I'm doing my best to stay afloat and move forward

Two lessons I've learned from dogs, that have been heavily thrown into my life again this past year

Keep moving forward and
Live in the moment

Of course with anxiety it isn't always easy but finding those times when I can and do is so empowering

I am interested in your comment that the keeping of past, present and future as separate elements is key for you. Can you describe how this works for you? I see these aspects of my life as interlinked and integral (not a new idea in the therapy room of course) so it is curious to me that you are taking a different approach.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

I am interested in your comment that the keeping of past, present and future as separate elements is key for you. Can you describe how this works for you? I see these aspects of my life as interlinked and integral (not a new idea in the therapy room of course) so it is curious to me that you are taking a different approach.

I want to first say, this is something I am trying, It's still new and it's working for now but I have no idea if I will be able to keep it up or if I'll fall back.

That being said, I've thought recently and had lots of talks with that guy about anxiety and my past and depression etc. I have realized, that I was carrying everything with me, always. It wasn't working for me. I needed to start leaving some things behind and just trying to take a breath, and focus on today, and not weeks or months from now.

I mean sure there are some things that are always with you and that's ok... but some things, like my T, are part of my past. There is no use in carrying all that baggage with me going forward. It isn't helpful now and I don't see it helpful in the future.

There are things in the future that normally I'd fret about endlessly, like, finding a house or a good job, but I am just saying well... today, I don't need those things, and it will work out when it needs to. I am doing my best to "organize my mind" so to speak and just keep things around that only help me today.

There is one huge thing this guy really helped me with and I've continued without him.... no negative self talk, he would correct it every time, with a different wording and eventually, it clicked for me. I no longer put myself down or blame myself endlessly for things in the past. Every day, I say something nice to myself in the mirror and I embrace who I am and it's working so well for confidence and it's overall a big help. It's been a huge weight on me for years.

I started to realize that certain things like how I'd feel everyone saw me as ugly or stupid, were my mom's views, not mine, not the worlds. I needed to put her views in the past and focus on my views today, embrace the views of those who support me. One day, one moment at a time.

For years I have observed dogs "living in the moment" and strived so hard to do that, with anxiety, it was at times impossible.... but with everything going on and me being very calm with it all, I've had a lot less anxiety over all and have been able to refocus my mind and thoughts. It sucks in a way that I do have some regrets with the guy in the sense of things I wish I did or said.... but I feel at peace because with him, every single moment, I was present... I was truly living in the moment. Sure I could have brought a list and made sure to say all these things I wanted to but I'd have missed out on all the joy we had while it was here.

My dog is currently sick, he doesn't have a ton of time left. Normally this would get me insanely depressed but I am just saying "Well, we have today, we have right now" and I am making the most of it all, creating as much fun memories as I can with him and making sure he knows how loved he is.

I know it's hard, and no doubt, I'll have challenges at some point, because this stay at home still is starting to take a toll on me with loneliness.... but I know that this is possible...I am able to find my way again if need be. I guess my advice, for anyone who wants to try this, if nothing else, grab a pen and paper, find a place that's quiet and just write a list of the things in your past that you are still carrying with you, rip it up or say goodbye, tell it you may return someday but you have other things to do right now, something like that.... then write down the things you are worried about in the future.... put it away somewhere... take a deep breath and just let it go. Write a list of the things on your mind today, things you have always wanted to try, or people you have been meaning to talk to etc... make those things your current priority. Take a few moments every single day to just stop... reflect and enjoy whatever you are doing... knowing it's a moment... and you are living in it.

[seeker33]

WOW!!!! I'm so happy for you!

[velcro003]

im not sure I ever really commented on your story, but I always followed it. it is WONDERFUL to hear how much better you are doing.

[Xynesthesia2]

DP, your story is a great example for how someone can take in the pain and experience of therapy, expand the lessons, and continue self-discovery without needing to pay money and frustration for it. Not for everyone, just like therapy itself is not for everyone, but definitely an avenue for some of us Your ex-T might actually have foreseen that you would move on with great results, maybe that was part of the reason he terminated the way he did. Hopefully you will never find out as it is truly irrelevant now. I also think that we can separate past from present and future and move on from it while still applying the lessons. Not encouraging the latter enough is one thing I've always criticized about therapy. Thanks for sharing again!

Sorry to hear about your dog... I am sure he does know how much he means to you and had a great life