Couch 215: The Overcoming Couch

Adorable pic, Art!

The only reason I'm staying at work today, instead of going home for a mental health day, is that we are having Jimmy Johns for lunch. And I've never had anything from there so I want to try it.

I feel kind of catatonic today. I could definitely just sit in the same place and not move for hours. It's hard to move. Like my muscles feel rigid. Especially the long muscles in my legs and arms. At least I'm at a desk. So I don't have to move much.

Ooh! What are you going to order? The guac gives me the runs, and i never order tuna fish salad out. I usually get turkey or roast beef, but lately ive been getting the italian. Its pretty hard core! I always omit the bacon and ham on my turkey, too salty for me. And i get lite cheese, otherwise it seems too cheesy. I like extra tomato and lettuce, but sometimes they go overboard with the lettuce to where youre eating a salad! Also yeah if you get the baguette, get the insides out, otherwise it is too much bread. The wheat bread is like cake.

Not that i have a strong opinion about it!

Today's session was mostly about ex-MC, as I'd emailed him recently (where he replied and BCCed Dr. T on his reply...grrr). I feel like I'm now distanced enough from that relationship (terminated around 2 years ago) that I can see it in a different light and have a different understanding of what went on. And it's also helping me see how the way Dr. T is toward me is ultimately more beneficial. Where maybe it doesn't feel that way in the moment, but in the long-term. That ex-MC seemed like he was trying to almost give me a corrective parenting experience, which was limited by his being my MC. Dr. T said much of it likely felt good in the moment, but that I'd never quite be satisified. That I'd want more, to be able to have it all the time, and he said if it felt that good to me, he'd--as in Dr. T--likely feel that same, too (like wanting that all the time). I said it was like a drug, that I'd feel said when I left ex-MC's office because that feeling was gone until next week.

Where Dr. T wants me to find that for myself. I brought up his thing from one of the emails leading to our rupture in August, where he said it wasn't his responsibility to give me hope. Today Dr. T said he wants everyone in my life, including myself, EXCEPT him to be giving me hope. Then he sort of clarified that he means he wants to help me find hope that I can do and feel better. For it to be about believing in myself. Me: "As opposed to you believing in me?" Dr. T: "Yes. I mean, I want to help you get there. To give you the tools to get there."

I said how some of what he'd said in the email (the hope stuff) and in the session where I terminated really hurt at the time. Like his comment that if I found an individual T more like ex-MC (i.e., warm and fuzzy and reassuring) then I'd just become really attached an unable to leave. Today I said that I think maybe the reason some of that hurt so much then was because it was true and I didn't want to face/accept it. It was a good discussion, though pretty teary for me in the last part. I also said how I knew much of the past 10-12 weeks (however long we've been in the pandemic) was just sort of surviving the pandemic stuff. But I want to try to get back to doing more real work instead of just sort of treading water, and this was a part of that. T said he was glad I'd told him that.

At the end he thanked me for sharing so much today. And said he looked forward to talking to me on Monday. Oh, and he was wearing the zebra shirt.

No, that was just the “often purple” bit.

My school has released their Plan for fall. Faculty have to learn some new sync technology. And we have to teach remotely and in-person at once. And somehow keep track of who’s there in person and who’s there remotely—easy in my small classes, not easy in my big 150-person lecture course.

So, with possible salary cuts and firings, our workload increases.

We get our choice between Italian and Turkey (company is ordering it). I'm going to go with the Turkey though. IDK what they are getting on it. Hopefully it's good. Then we will have chips and drinks. At 2 PM we get ice cream today. I'm telling you, it's worth working here just for the food. Now if only they had a fuse ball table, some ping pong tables, a yoga studio, and a lounge...then we would be doing good!

SK, then you would be working at Google!

Yeah or Zappo's I think is like that! I'm telling you, it's the workplace of the future! Fuseball!

Thanks for the update, LT. I’m glad you and T got a chance to talk about this.

How do you feel about ex-MC these days? Do you have a sense of what led you to email him after all this time? (Not judging, just curious about your motivation.)

Just had ice cream at work. The catatonic feeling is better but I'm feeling more unwell. I hope I don't have to take a trip to the hospital this weekend. Ugh.

Trying some retail therapy. Ordering a sterling silver Russian Orthodox Cross pendant and a silver box chain from Amazon. Won't get it until the 11th but I can't get it if I'm in the hospital so hopefully that's enough to keep me out.

Sorry you're feeling bad @SlumberKitty

The friend that I referred to my main T now sounds interested in either DBT in general or my DBT T in particular. I can't tell whether I'm flattered or annoyed. Mostly flattered, I think. I doubt DBT T would take her on, though. I always get the impression that she would half-prefer to be a lady of leisure and doesn't often take new clients.

Hugs SLumberKitty

Ok it seemed it bought some pretty robust plants until i bought hibiscus because i like them. They seem to suffer a lengthy list of pests and diseases in my climate. I should have researched them like the other plants. Anyway the garden seems to be good for my depression. Picking scale off a plant is not on my list of fun things to do.

I've been working a little in my patio garden too. I finally got rid of my dead hydrangeas and gardenias, and got rid of my scarlet pimpernel I ordered some Adenium (desert rose) and plumbago. I hope I can keep them alive. I still have my ficus tree, plumeria, and madagascar jasmine (which I call my happy plant).

I would like to try gardening. First thing would be to research what will actually thrive in the desert.

Session with T1 today went down the drain. I'm over at my brother in laws house, helping watch his dogs for the weekend. Teletherapy kicked me out right away so we had a phone session instead which I absolutely hate. Told him about the CPS meeting that he was unable to attend. We ended up talking quite a bit about my schooling. And he kept talking about finding me a T that specializes in SH in addition to him even after I told him that I started seeing the in home T that is trauma focused and is going to be focusing on safety first. I'm getting way too frustrated at myself with therapy and Ts. I never had this issue before a few months ago with the T situation. Then in home T wants me to see him twice a week. I think I should just end with T1 since he keeps pushing IOP or adding in a specialist or asking if I think marriage therapy would be helpful too with H. I'm sure he's trying to help but I have CPS telling me what to do as well and I'm getting overwhelmed.

I love plumeria but they are everywhere here and i am a bit allergic. If i didnt kill everything in a pot i would grow a ficus. Love your fairies.