Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

velcro003 · Sep 22, 2020 at 06:14 PM

T: I’m going to miss talking to you while i am inpatient. Also, i’m struggling really badly right now.

ArtieTheSequal · Sep 22, 2020 at 08:31 PM

Gotta remember to tell you about Jeff Brown's new online course about the abandonment wound. When I read the description much of it deeply resonated with me so I'm doing the course. I enjoyed his 'writing your way home' course so much, this one's bound to be good too! Lots of writing exercises. I'll share some of the workbook with you. Good stuff already I think it is going to be helpful. There's 6 hours of audio content too but I haven't listened to any of that yet, just started looking through the pdf workbook. Looking forward to Friday.

Elio · Sep 22, 2020 at 08:48 PM

You know I feel silly when I let this/that part talk and say that stuff. Doesn't mean it isn't true. It felt good and silly to point out your mistake. Sometimes I do wish I could stay here even though there's lots of not good here too.

Lemoncake · Sep 23, 2020 at 12:32 PM

News from the rumour mill at school: practical classes for us might be cancelled soon which would make studying easier. Classes lasted 5 hours today with travel time I honestly just feel so worn out. Haven't started studying yet.

LonesomeTonight · Sep 23, 2020 at 01:01 PM

Dear T,
Thanks for all the support today. So that's two sessions out of the last three that I've spent crying nearly the entire time (and apologizing for it). I think like we discussed today, it's partly because stuff is going on at so many levels--family, school, country, world. It's hard to find something to hold onto. OK, like you said, we still have jobs, I have my husband and daughter. Sorry I kind of attacked you on the gratitude suggestion. I know that helps many people. But it just tends to make me feel guilty. Like, "I have all these things, so I shouldn't feel so bad." "I'm not in the ICU right now, I should be grateful for that." I already tend to feel guilty for struggling. FFS, I was apologizing today for crying so much. Maybe you need a little post-it for your computer for sessions with me: "No gratitude talk." I could probably think of various other things to add to that list... "No talk about reducing sessions (though I do have a timeline for 3 to 2) or ending therapy" etc. But thanks for all the support.
Love,
LT

comrademoomoo · Sep 23, 2020 at 01:43 PM

You are a hoot. Seriously. You are wired to the moon. I am both horrified and entertained by your strangeness. We hadn't made any meeting arrangements, in fact, you ignored my messages. You had no idea about where we would meet and yet you wandered about on the beach assuming that a meeting would just happen ... by cosmic intervention?! I have no idea. I mean, have you ever met me? I would triple confirm details and want a new contract! I would write the contract, obvs. You are loo-loo. I feel positively sane in comparison. Sane and sad and ignored. Unloved. So yeah, Â£uck you.

Lemoncake · 02:49 PM

The Smiths - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now (Official Music Video) - YouTube

Mountaindewed · Sep 23, 2020 at 03:01 PM

Tomorrow is the first time we’ll be seeing each other in 192 days. How do you feel? I feel ok because I’m very preoccupied with the other big thing which is the surgery. I’ve quadrupled up on my Xanax today and I am still anxious as ****. Maybe I am legit having a heart attack.

susannahsays · Sep 23, 2020 at 05:31 PM

I don't know why I felt down when I saw you today. I felt like I needed something, but I wasn't really sure what it was let alone how to get it. Made me feel like doing something bad, I think as a ****ed up way to communicate (I'm not sure what I wanted to communicate, though). I'm glad I didn't give in to that impulse, although I'm simultaneously left wondering if I would be feeling like I am if I had acted out.

What exactly is it that I wanted? I feel like I wanted attention, but that doesn't make sense because you were sitting there paying attention to me already.

I hate when I waste my session like this.

LonesomeTonight · Sep 23, 2020 at 06:22 PM

Dear T,
I'm in such a bad place right now. I don't know what happened. It's nothing from you/today's session Maybe I need to not try to go out like it's normal, because it's not at all normal. Maybe it just rubbed that in more? I don't know. Maybe it's something else. But I'm so incredibly sad. Part of me wants to ask if you have something tomorrow, but then that would mean a longer break before Monday, and I'm not sure how good that would be.
Love,
LT

LonesomeTonight · Sep 23, 2020 at 08:19 PM

Dear T,
I feel awkward asking about an earlier session and not hearing back, as that's a scheduling thing vs. content email. Do I just email to say "never mind"? But I still feel this way. But I should probably just stick with Friday...right?
Love,
LT

LonesomeTonight · Sep 24, 2020 at 06:38 AM

Dear T,
Actually, you probably just didn't look at your email last night after I sent it. I know texting is the way to go for scheduling, but I felt like I'd be bothering you more that way. And in knowing you might not reply till this morning, I was sort of giving myself more time to decide.
Love,
LT

Lemoncake · Sep 24, 2020 at 06:50 AM

85 topics left to get through for the first time.

LonesomeTonight · Sep 24, 2020 at 10:29 AM

Dear T,
That helped, thanks. I was a bit annoyed that you were late and figured with your tight schedule you wouldn't be able to make up the time, but I'm glad you were able to give me the full half hour. I probably will just go with the full session tomorrow, as our agenda will probably necessitate that. But I do appreciate your saying I could just let you know at the time of session.

And I appreciate that you were willing to offer the 6:30 this evening session before and that it wouldn't have needed quite the level of "maybe I need to be hospitalized" to take it. And that you also appreciated that I read between the lines and *didn't* take it. And your also saying that you wouldn't have wanted me to have felt guilty if I took it. Your reference to the tightrope walk in our relationship seems fitting--the tightrope walk for both of us.
Love,
LT

LostOnTheTrail · Sep 24, 2020 at 10:45 AM

Thank you for helping me understand your stance today. I find it very helpful to know that you also struggle with certain aspects.

Lemoncake · Sep 24, 2020 at 12:12 PM

I feel effed in the head and my depression is so bad at the moment. I haven't been sleeping well either.

I joined that dating website yesterday and the person already wants to meet up over the weekend which is way too soon for me. I'm not really feeling it either but I felt lonely in the moment and I liked the attention. My love for you just feels like a fake plastic tree.

Maybe it's not a good idea to draw out sessions.

I also sent the other T F a reply back to his previous email from two weeks ago.

velcro003 · Sep 24, 2020 at 06:01 PM

T: You are so sweet to send me that song. I heart you.

*Beth* · Sep 24, 2020 at 06:22 PM

Your hard work today is deeply appreciated. I was happy to see you looking more refreshed after sleeping in, too.

SlumberKitty · Sep 25, 2020 at 01:16 PM

8 months dear T, 8 months. That's 2/3rds of a year. 8 months.

SlumberKitty · Sep 25, 2020 at 02:26 PM

Former T, I texted you today. Don't make it two months, or four months before you send me a text back. It's not therapy. It's just "hey how are you? Here's how I am. Miss you." Just a quick like, "Hey, I'm glad you're doing good. I'm proud of you. Keep it up," would be enough. I just want to hear from you. It doesn't need to be profound.

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

My Support Forums

velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	Sep 22, 2020 at 06:14 PM #921 T: I’m going to miss talking to you while i am inpatient. Also, i’m struggling really badly right now.

Elio ............... Member Since Sep 2006 Location: in my head Posts: 2,911 17 8,779 hugs given	Sep 22, 2020 at 08:48 PM #923 You know I feel silly when I let this/that part talk and say that stuff. Doesn't mean it isn't true. It felt good and silly to point out your mistake. Sometimes I do wish I could stay here even though there's lots of not good here too.

Lemoncake Luna's offical mini me. Member Since May 2017 Location: Cafe Nervosa. Posts: 9,718 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.2k hugs given	Sep 23, 2020 at 12:32 PM #924 News from the rumour mill at school: practical classes for us might be cancelled soon which would make studying easier. Classes lasted 5 hours today with travel time I honestly just feel so worn out. Haven't started studying yet. __________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing."

Lemoncake Luna's offical mini me. Member Since May 2017 Location: Cafe Nervosa. Posts: 9,718 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.2k hugs given	Sep 23, 2020 at 01:57 PM #927 The Smiths - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now (Official Music Video) - YouTube __________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing." Last edited by Lemoncake; Sep 23, 2020 at 02:49 PM..

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,316 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,806 hugs given	Sep 23, 2020 at 03:01 PM #928 Tomorrow is the first time we’ll be seeing each other in 192 days. How do you feel? I feel ok because I’m very preoccupied with the other big thing which is the surgery. I’ve quadrupled up on my Xanax today and I am still anxious as ****. Maybe I am legit having a heart attack. __________________ Ridin' with Biden

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,804 (SuperPoster!) 9 75k hugs given	Sep 23, 2020 at 08:19 PM #931 Dear T, I feel awkward asking about an earlier session and not hearing back, as that's a scheduling thing vs. content email. Do I just email to say "never mind"? But I still feel this way. But I should probably just stick with Friday...right? Love, LT

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,804 (SuperPoster!) 9 75k hugs given	Sep 24, 2020 at 06:38 AM #932 Dear T, Actually, you probably just didn't look at your email last night after I sent it. I know texting is the way to go for scheduling, but I felt like I'd be bothering you more that way. And in knowing you might not reply till this morning, I was sort of giving myself more time to decide. Love, LT

Lemoncake Luna's offical mini me. Member Since May 2017 Location: Cafe Nervosa. Posts: 9,718 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.2k hugs given	Sep 24, 2020 at 06:50 AM #933 85 topics left to get through for the first time. __________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing."

velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	Sep 24, 2020 at 06:01 PM #937 T: You are so sweet to send me that song. I heart you.

Beth catches the flowers Member Since Jul 2019 Location: Downtown Vibes, California Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!) 4 23.7k hugs given	Sep 24, 2020 at 06:22 PM #938 Your hard work today is deeply appreciated. I was happy to see you looking more refreshed after sleeping in, too. __________________

SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 5 117.7k hugs given	Sep 25, 2020 at 01:16 PM #939 8 months dear T, 8 months. That's 2/3rds of a year. 8 months. __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA