I wonder what he sees when he looks at me.
An arrogant little %#@&#!?
I can be at times.
An insecure arrogant little %#@&#!?
I can be at times.
Other times I can be quite self depreciating.

Narcissism is something that I find quite repulsive.
That being said - I catch myself it at times.
I can see him registering what is going on
Me - being arrogant little %#@&#!
Me - catching myself - and shame
Him - doing his little smile
He sees what is going on.

I guess narcissism is a sign of insecurity.

He isn't so good at insights.
Don't get me wrong, he has done a couple of good ones.
But for the most part, he isn't so good at insights.
I think it is because he hasn't observed me for long enough
Before he makes an attempt
Because he hasn't listened to me trying to interpret for long enough
To notice the patterns (the traps I'm stuck in) in my interpretations

He tried one last time
And completely misunderstood
I'm trying to be less narcissistic
More empathetic
So I didn't tell him he was wrong
And I didn't disagree
And he launched into it with enthusiasm and interest
And it took him a while to notice
'You look heavy / numb'...
'What happened?'
And I felt embarrassed...
And tried to explain where I was at some more.

Maybe it is my narcissism
Maybe it is my need for a mirror
That makes me rejecting of his interpretations.
Or maybe it is that he needs more time...
More time to hit upon them.

I think he does come up with them at times.
But retaining them is hard
Retaining them in my mind
Most of the really insightful things
Escape my awareness...
Forgetting...

The little kid is hidden away.
I don't like the needy feelings
I don't like the vulnerable feelings
I want to be a grown-up
I don't want him to see them
I don't want them to be there
Focus on the adult...

There is something lacking in the intimacy.

Sigh.

The process goes on.

Maybe moving to twice a week will increase the intensity.
Or maybe... It won't.
Three weeks and I'm off for a month.
And there it is.

[Mouse_]

Hey I guess your no worse and no better then anyone else. I once heard someone say that each day they work their way up to being just average. Iv'e found I can be safely narcissistic in therapy better then anywhere else LOL! and of course a real true narcissis would never admit to it and would never admit to not liking themselves very much so I'd say all things taken into consideration, you belong to the just average club LOL! welcome :-)

[pachyderm]

[Perna]

My bugaboo word was "condescending;" that and "judgmental."

I had to work on becoming vulnerable and my T helped there by pointing out to me when she felt I was and I'd work at emotionally staying there with it. Scary stuff.

Often there's an opposite side to a word that is a good meaning and usually one has both meanings. I am a good judge of right and wrong, true and false, etc. But I can be harsh also in my judgments of people.

I think there's some good pride lurking in "arrogant", "narcissistic", and "condescending". I don't have too much trouble with self esteem problems; other, that is, than not being proud of being condescending :-)

I admire your trying to resist telling your T he's wrong but I don't know that feeling one way and acting another helps one? That's just "manners" and I don't think there's room in therapy for that. What was lacking for me was respect; my stepmother didn't respect me and my judgment and I obviously learned that from her. So, a bit of transference happening there for me onto the rest of the world. I assume others don't respect my judgement. It's taken a long time to both learn to respect myself and that there are others out there that respect me and for me to learn to respect them in return (instead of controlling them for myself with my judgments). It's okay not to be the sharpest crayon out of the box and the world won't come to an end if I try something in a way someone else suggests :-)

[sunrise]

alex

It's hard to face unpleasant stuff about ourselves, like maybe we have traits we don't like! But also I think it is easy to get into a mode where we are worse than we think we are. Maybe you don't have those "negatives" to the extent you think you do, alex. And if there are things about yourself you don't like, that opens the way to avenues for change.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
He isn't so good at insights.
Don't get me wrong, he has done a couple of good ones.
But for the most part, he isn't so good at insights.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Maybe it is OK if he doesn't have insights. Maybe it is OK for the therapist to lead the client to her own insights instead of making brilliant interpretations of his own. If you think he has not observed your dysfunctional patterns well enough, can you point them out to him? Then you don't have to wait around for him to observe what you think he needs to know.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
There is something lacking in the intimacy.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I hear ya on that. So painful.

Hey. Yeah, I understand intellectually that I'm no better or worse than everyone else. My feelings swing, however. Between not fit to be alive, and occasionally the other extreme pops up, yeah.

That wasn't quite the sort of narcissism I had in mind, though. Except... Maybe it was.

I guess I was thinking of 'narcissism' in the self-psychological sense. That stage that two or three year olds go through (I forget precisely when).

I remember reading this article about this therapist who was working with someone. The person would talk. The person would offer interpretations for their own behaviour. If the therapist tried to offer an interpretation the person would be dismissive of it, however. The therapist eventually realized that he was serving a mirroring function for the person. The client would be upset if the therapist said anything that went beyond presicely what the client had said to the therapist. The client simply couldn't see the therapist as an independent entity. Just needed to be mirrored / validated.

I guess I'm not sure if I'm rejecting of his interpretations because I'm in a narcissistic phase...
Or if it really is that he is missing the mark in some way.

Because he gets excited and enthusiastic and animated while he is doing it, you see. And I feel like... It really would be nice if I could be complimentary to that in some way. Be surprised or delighted or whatever. But... I can't seem to muster it. It isn't that I pretend to go along with it - whereas really I'm not. I guess I'm just trying not to be dismissive. And I'm upset that there is something holding me back from sharing that momentary emotional connection with him. By... Complementing his emotion, yeah.