[Merope]

Is it ok to talk to T about the downside of video sessions? I've been extremely anxious lately and really feel the need to see him in person (this isn't to say that I expect things to change, I realise there are bigger things going on than what I want right now). I'm scared I'll come across as selfish or unappreciative, but it's really killing me and triggering some abandonment issues. He's doing the best he can, I really don't want him to feel like he's failing me somehow. But I want to explore this with him so that he knows how I'm feeling and what it all means.

I guess what I'm asking is...how does one express these feelings without coming across as unappreciative and selfish? Those of you who have brought it up...how have your Ts reacted?

[doyoutrustme]

I don’t think you’re coming across as selfish at all. I think your therapist probably also knows something is lacking. It’s just not the same

[Flinders40]

Tell him what you just posted on here. You make an extremely point. Maybe you can brainstorm ways to work around it for now?

What’s missing/ and or different when it comes to video sessions vs in-person therapy?

[nottrustin]

I have expressed this several times with T. I started the first conversation with "I am thankful for technology allowing us to still see each other but I am struggling with it" and gave her why it was hard for me. I did this in the first couple of weeks. We discussed my problems and brainstormed ideas.There have been issues that have come up since the initial conversation and we discuss them. Some of her suggestions have been helpful some there just isn't an answer to. We just keep plugging away and I bring up if I get frustrated.

[LonesomeTonight]

I agree that it's not selfish to bring it up. And that your T likely is aware of the limitations as well. My T has said he doesn't like doing video sessions because it's missing things like the "energy" that's in the room when two people are there together. And that he says it's more tiring to focus on a screen all day and more difficult to stay focused (which is why he usually goes to his office to conduct video sessions rather than from at home).


I've definitely felt like things are lacking, and it's harder to get the sense of connection. I'd been doing mostly OK with video sessions (after a difficult start), but the limits are hitting me more lately, especially as my T has said he doesn't see going back to in-person anytime soon. (I think it was easier when I thought "OK, I just have to getl through a couple months of this, then things will go back to normal--which actually applies to quite a few pandemic-related things for me). So I may bring that up to him tomorrow.


I'd try to think about exactly what is bothering you and what your T might be able to do to help. Do you want, say, some sort of goodbye ritual? More time spent on connection/relationship-building vs. the actual therapy? Do you feel the need to step back from certain difficult topics while it's remote? Do you want/need more reassurance from T (this seems like it could apply, due to abandonment fears)? I think you've also said how your T had commented a few weeks ago that it would likely be in person soon. Would it help to revisit that? It might be difficult, but maybe it could actually help if he said "honestly, I have no idea when I'll resume" or "it will at least be a couple more months" rather than thinking "maybe soon?" Just something to consider.


Also, just talking about how difficult it's been for you, even if you can't articulate why or have no idea what might help, could be helpful. Sort of talking about the elephant in the room.

[Elio]

I think there is lots to talk about how the pandemic is effecting your therapy and your relationship with your T.
My T has been receptive of my feelings and supportive of my thoughts around video visits. She concurs that things are different.

We have talked about it at some extent probably every session. At the beginning it was more hopeful and accepting. After a few weeks it was more about the nature of differences and what has been lacking. It was still pretty hopeful that we'd be through it shortly and able to move on. Starting 2 weeks ago, it's been more dire; acknowledging that it's gone on too long. It wasn't until these last 2-4 weeks that I have felt more selfish with my comments and talking about it. I feel guilty because T has been there the best she can, she has given me so much, none of this is something either of us have control over and so on. At the same time, our connection is not the same. Most the time I don't feel like it is there at all. There's lots of feelings of not being sure what the point is of my therapy in the given predicament. It feels like we are in a rupture without any of the anger/hurt feelings that usually come with a rupture.

We've also talked about how the pandemic as a shared experience type of thing and how she is now seeing my patterns play out in reality of our relationship rather than it be transference based. Shortly after that she started holding sessions from her office. Since then, it feels like our interactions have changed a little again. It seems like there are more blank slate like boundaries in place again. Overall, I think that is good.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Hi Merope,

Another great thread - I think it could be a really useful conversation.
I certainly found my conversation with R to be so, thereby discovering that she also finds it difficult to work with me effectively over video.

I hope you are able to have a chat with him about it.

[nottrustin]

Elio, can you say to her that you know she is doing the best she can given the circumstances but that you need to name what you are feeling.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

Elio, can you say to her that you know she is doing the best she can given the circumstances but that you need to name what you are feeling.

Thank you nottrustin. We have talked about lots of these things including me feeling guilty and sorry for how things feel. She tried to be empathetic/sympathetic and reassuring that nothing I am doing and feeling is wrong.

[skeksi]

I have brought it up, early in the process, and so has my T, actually. A couple of weeks ago he was looking at resuming in person sessions, and explained why he wanted to—mainly, the shortcomings of video.

Bringing it up helped me feel like he was in it with me—it made it easier for me move forward with the video sessions after we both acknowledged our frustrations. Especially since things turned south again and we have to stay in video.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by Elio

Thank you nottrustin. We have talked about lots of these things including me feeling guilty and sorry for how things feel. She tried to be empathetic/sympathetic and reassuring that nothing I am doing and feeling is wrong.

good. You are likely not the only client she sees is who is struggling. Did your T offer any feedback about what she thinks about teletherapy?

T has said with certain clients it is harder because the connection and energy of being in the same room is missing. For certain clients that is a bigger issues than others. I am one of the clients that need that to really open up although it is gradually getting better.

Also, for people like me who is prone to disassociate or freeze during a session she is not there to help me to bring back to the presen so we avoid going deep into triggering conversations

Knowing she feels some limitations has helped me to feel okay with bringing up the subject.

[Merope]

Thank you all—a lot of good points! I think I’ll write something down and have it ready for my session so that I don’t chicken out and freeze right before.

[*Beth*]

The third time we did teletherapy I totally blew up at my therapist. I told her, in essence, that I couldn't understand the purpose of therapy with a computer instead of a live person and so on, and on.... I mean, I really was angry and let her know it. (At that time, I felt that she still had a choice over whether or not to do f2f).


When I was done blasting my anger at her I expressed that I know she, too, is having a hard time with teletherapy. I told her that while I am very angry, I also have compassion for her.

It's important to get your thoughts an feelings out, not allow them to boil inside of you.