Couch 219: The Goose Drank Wine

Yeah, I think I was feeling some level of mania when I was taking it. I can't express enough how awful the mental crash coming down off of it was. The high was not worth the low.

My person was on it to keep the swelling down when the cancer spread to her brain. They warned us both about 'roid rage several times. The md even took me aside to talk about it. She could have lifted a car off of a baby when she was on it.

We were supposed to be seeing Foreigner in concert this week, postponed from I think it was originally supposed to be April. I wonder if they'll have to just refund everyone's money and just give up trying to schedule it at this point....

Hugs, I had two concerts from this summer postponed. Well, one was rescheduled till next September, the other canceled. Have you not heard anything from the ticketing place? They should either offer you refund or else new date (or possibly a gift card to the venue, like one place offered me).

So Dr. T offered me a session at 9:30 tomorrow (instead of Wednesday), as I asked what he had tomorrow, and now I'm debating whether to take it. My instinct is yes, but then what if I make it worse somehow? And I'm likely just overreacting to everything... basically from some stuff we talked about, he essentially said that he's allowing more things due to the pandemic, like understanding I'm more dependent on him right now, being fine with more emails and texts and not charging, etc. But it all just feels like, he will allow this during the pandemic, then...it will go away. And in my head, I thought he was maybe being different toward me the past 6 months in part because he genuinely cared and also realized that these things help me in general. And now it feels different, like a more calculated choice vs. something from caring. And the feeling like it will all go away when/if Covid does.

But then there was other stuff, too, where he prefaced something by saying, "I may have you mixed up with another client, and if I do, I'm sorry..." when asking if I'd said I wanted to take break from social media (he was partly right in that we'd talked about how maybe I should read less news). And he's also confirmed that the reason he didn't reply to my email the other day is that, due to way I'd titled it and my tone, it was lower-priority compared to some others (presumably clients). And so I'm struggling with various things, but then I also think I'm being needy and wanting to be special, while knowing intellectually I'm just one of many clients, plus whatever else is going on in his life. But also, I mean, could he just leave the other clients out of it entirely? Just say he was really busy with things that morning and didn't see the email as urgent so figured he'd reply later?

Yeah, I should probably accept the session...

ETA: I accepted it.

A jackass in my fantasy league just learned not to try to bully a girl who saves all her old league-related emails and knows how to screenshot them (the issue was prize money, and I am the treasurer).

(He supposedly left the league two years ago and turned the team over to his co-owner, who's paid the dues, and now says he deserves prize money.)

Haven't heard anything like that yet... only the email awhile back that it was postponed again. I might call them. At this rate I'll lose my tickets before they reschedule it heh

Been going outside every afternoon trying to get a hummingbird on camera. Patience has paid off just now

Nice pic!

i hate the thought of L getting me mixed up with someone else. she said that one time "oh maybe that was someone else" and i totally cringed. i don't wanna be reminded that she has other clients. Glad you accepted the session and hope it will be helpful.

That sounds like fun, Artie! I wouldn't want to get on a plane right now either. (Granted, I never really want to get on a plane, but even less now.)

I'm probably taking a couple days by myself at my parents' place at the beach in a couple weeks. H is OK with it. I just need a break, some quiet, time to myself.

I feel a little guilty about doing it so I deleted my post. I am a bit at war with myself over it because on one hand it feels wrong during the pandemic, but on the other hand we're being as safe as possible about it, made sure they're following all the guidelines, it's an out of the way, small place, the special rate we got is because they are trying to stay afloat as a business with hardly any visitors, and we're planning to stay to ourselves and I can't seal myself up in a bubble so... I'm trying not to feel guilty.

Aw, it's OK to be doing that, Artie.

Yeah people are driving out to be guests on Dr Phil now, not flying.

I like to check in on him!

I’m trying a free bag of nutter puffs I got at the store.

V.g. if you like peanut butter. And gluten free.

I'm glad you get to do that! I think it would be lovely to get away by myself - I have been thinking about it - but this trip with h will be good enough for now. I will find some alone time I'm sure, likely in the early morning because he likes to sleep later that I do. I am planning to get some awesome sunrise photos.

We had an easy discussion tonite and class is over already. Nice!

Sounds delicious. I love peanut butter.

Thanks, Artie. I really wonder if that's actually the biggest thing that's bothering me, not some of the other stuff. When he said that, I did mention @@'s T telling her she should spend more time with her nonexistent daughter.

On a different note, I realized in thinking about it more last night that it's also that I feel he's contributed to my becoming more dependent on him lately. In allowing what he ha allowed--no-charge emails, texts for stuff beyond scheduling (I only did a couple of those though), an extra session a week at a reduced price, self-disclosing more, etc. And I'm wondering if he has a plan to help me become less dependent, or if he's just suddenly going to be like, "OK, things are back to normal!"

And will *he* shift back to being more like he was before, less empathetic and letting more of his a**hole side come out? But then, I think that side of him helped keep my dependence and transference stuff more in check... Or is this just me struggling with someone seeming caring toward me?