[KLL85]

So in my last session before T went on a break for three weeks, we began talking about the fact that I only have a couple more sessions with her due to her only been able to offer short term therapy (I see her via my work).
I have abandonment issues due to childhood which she has known about since the beginning, although perhaps didn’t realise how severe they were. I explained how the sessions ending were triggering those feelings even though I understood that the situation was different as I had known that she could only offer short term support. I desperately tried to hold it together as we talked but as the discussion turned to trying to find someone to help me long term and how that would be made so much more difficult due to Covid I just broke down and began sobbing. I had also mentioned earlier in the session that I had been having intense suicidal thoughts during the week which were making me even more emotional.
I sat and sobbed for about 20 minutes and she then very gently said that she thought we needed to have a rethink about the sessions ending as she is concerned that all it will achieve is to repeat the cycle of feeling abandoned that keeps happening to me and she does not want that to happen as any good work we have done will be erased. She suggested that although she can’t offer long term therapy we work towards me making the decision of when to end so it’s within my power and not hers.
She’s now on holiday for 3 weeks but said we will discuss it in the next session, but I now feel I have somehow manipulated her in to giving me more sessions even though I absolutely had no intention of trying to do that, I just couldn’t hold the emotion inside any longer. I have been told by mental health nurses in the past that I’m an attention seeking, manipulative and selfish person so I guess this is where that concern is coming from.
So have I inadvertently manipulated her? And should I really take her up on the offer of more sessions?

[Lonelyinmyheart]

It doesn't sound like you manipulated her at all. It sounds like some very deep genuine emotion came up in response to knowing your work together would end shortly and this is totally understandable especially with your background. It's a good thing that this came up because it showed your T just how much pain you're in and how badly affected you are by what happened in the past and in knowing that she has made an assessment and decided to offer you more sessions. You didn't MAKE her do that -it was her choice alone. She could have chosen to handle it in another way by reinforcing the fact the sessions need to end on such and such date, but she CHOSE to offer you more. Yes, absolutely, I think it would be good for you to take her offer of more support.

I'm sorry you were told by the mental health team that you were selfish and manipulative It's most likely their own projections of you and nothing to do with your behaviour at all. But even if you were those things, they only stem from needing love and attention anyway. When people don't know how to get those things they turn to whatever works, so they deserve compassion as well. I wonder if you were told as a child that you were selfish or manipulative when you had needs/expressed emotions?

[KLL85]

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

It doesn't sound like you manipulated her at all. It sounds like some very deep genuine emotion came up in response to knowing your work together would end shortly and this is totally understandable especially with your background. It's a good thing that this came up because it showed your T just how much pain you're in and how badly affected you are by what happened in the past and in knowing that she has made an assessment and decided to offer you more sessions. You didn't MAKE her do that -it was her choice alone. She could have chosen to handle it in another way by reinforcing the fact the sessions need to end on such and such date, but she CHOSE to offer you more. Yes, absolutely, I think it would be good for you to take her offer of more support.

I'm sorry you were told by the mental health team that you were selfish and manipulative It's most likely their own projections of you and nothing to do with your behaviour at all. But even if you were those things, they only stem from needing love and attention anyway. When people don't know how to get those things they turn to whatever works, so they deserve compassion as well. I wonder if you were told as a child that you were selfish or manipulative when you had needs/expressed emotions?

I was told I was selfish a lot as a child, pretty much any time I asked for anything. The mental health nurse called me attention seeking and manipulative because I told him I had self harmed and was suicidal. He believed that because I told him those things but nobody else I was attention seeking and trying to manipulate him in to giving me that attention.
I guess I’m now just paranoid that she will view me in the same way and if I accept the sessions then that is the proof that she needs to confirm those thoughts.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Originally Posted by KLL85

I was told I was selfish a lot as a child, pretty much any time I asked for anything. The mental health nurse called me attention seeking and manipulative because I told him I had self harmed and was suicidal. He believed that because I told him those things but nobody else I was attention seeking and trying to manipulate him in to giving me that attention.
I guess I’m now just paranoid that she will view me in the same way and if I accept the sessions then that is the proof that she needs to confirm those thoughts.

Your mental health nurse should not have said those things to you. He basically exacerbated exactly what you've been told as a child and that is a tragedy because you weren't being selfish, you were trying to get your needs met and deserved compassion. Wanting attention is a natural human need and if we can't get it in healthy ways, we turn to unhealthy ways. I'm sorry the mental health nurse lacked so much compassion but that is his issue and not a reflection on your behaviour.

Your fear re T offering extra sessions is understandable but it's absolutely okay to accept what you need. She recognised your need and chose to act on it with compassion. It is very unfamiliar to you but doesn't mean anything is wrong - it means you deserve the support offered. Please talk to her about your fears that you are being selfish and let her reassure you and give you space to explore where this comes from.

[KLL85]

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

Your mental health nurse should not have said those things to you. He basically exacerbated exactly what you've been told as a child and that is a tragedy because you weren't being selfish, you were trying to get your needs met and deserved compassion. Wanting attention is a natural human need and if we can't get it in healthy ways, we turn to unhealthy ways. I'm sorry the mental health nurse lacked so much compassion but that is his issue and not a reflection on your behaviour.

Your fear re T offering extra sessions is understandable but it's absolutely okay to accept what you need. She recognised your need and chose to act on it with compassion. It is very unfamiliar to you but doesn't mean anything is wrong - it means you deserve the support offered. Please talk to her about your fears that you are being selfish and let her reassure you and give you space to explore where this comes from.

Thank you so much for this reply, it’s really helped me understand that old wounds are most likely rearing their heads here and feeling uncomfortable in accepting the sessions is most likely due to not being used to having someone respond in a compassionate way and be willing to meet my needs. We have talked about the fact that I struggle to accept that I have needs at all, so I guess this is probably all interlinked.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

It doesn't sound like you manipulated her at all. It sounds like some very deep genuine emotion came up in response to knowing your work together would end shortly and this is totally understandable especially with your background. It's a good thing that this came up because it showed your T just how much pain you're in and how badly affected you are by what happened in the past and in knowing that she has made an assessment and decided to offer you more sessions. You didn't MAKE her do that -it was her choice alone. She could have chosen to handle it in another way by reinforcing the fact the sessions need to end on such and such date, but she CHOSE to offer you more. Yes, absolutely, I think it would be good for you to take her offer of more support.

I'm sorry you were told by the mental health team that you were selfish and manipulative It's most likely their own projections of you and nothing to do with your behaviour at all. But even if you were those things, they only stem from needing love and attention anyway. When people don't know how to get those things they turn to whatever works, so they deserve compassion as well. I wonder if you were told as a child that you were selfish or manipulative when you had needs/expressed emotions?

Good post (I'm sorry this reply is so late, I have only just read this) I had a similar experience with being told I was.... ****..... this reply is helpful to me.

I do not think you were being selfish or manipulative.

[comrademoomoo]

Therapists would be out of business if clients weren't manipulative and attention seeking, I wouldn't worry if you did display those behaviours with her. Working with those behaviours could be an important part of your development. Manipulation and attention seeking get a very bad press. In reality, these behaviours are creative adjustments you have made in order to get your needs met because you were not given the opportunity to learn how to achieve this from your self or compassionately from others.A therapist who is judgemental and frames these behaviours in a pejorative manner is dim and best avoided, but it sounds like your therapist wants to help you. Accept the sessions and let her do her job.

[Rive.]

It doesn't matter whether you manipulated her or not. On the one hand it is true that it was your emotions that made her reconsider. So, in this sense maybe you did (though it might not be conscious). On the other hand, it seems you needed her and wanted to continue with her and your emotions took over. IF she offered sessions, I would take her up on this offer.

What a good T tho. Sessions were to be time-limited but she was willing to make an exception for her client *and* she will let the client decide on end date, all because she doesn't want to repeat the cycle of abandonment. That T is a keeper..

[KLL85]

Originally Posted by Rive.

It doesn't matter whether you manipulated her or not. On the one hand it is true that it was your emotions that made her reconsider. So, in this sense maybe you did (though it might not be conscious). On the other hand, it seems you needed her and wanted to continue with her and your emotions took over. IF she offered sessions, I would take her up on this offer.

What a good T tho. Sessions were to be time-limited but she was willing to make an exception for her client *and* she will let the client decide on end date, all because she doesn't want to repeat the cycle of abandonment. That T is a keeper..

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense. I see manipulation as a awful horrible thing, but I guess this proves it can happen on an unconscious level and it indicates more about a deep need rather than any malicious intent.
She has been brilliant so far. From the first time we met I felt different than with any other MH professional or T I had worked with, she just put me at ease.

[Omers]

IMO you were being open, honest and extremely vulnerable... the very things we are supposed to do/be in therapy. Nothing at all manipulative about that.
Her response was the ONLY ethical response she could have professionally, which, IMO, comes before the policy of your employer that therapy be short term.

[KLL85]

Originally Posted by Omers

IMO you were being open, honest and extremely vulnerable... the very things we are supposed to do/be in therapy. Nothing at all manipulative about that.
Her response was the ONLY ethical response she could have professionally, which, IMO, comes before the policy of your employer that therapy be short term.

Thanks Omers, that’s reassuring to hear. It’s hard for me to be open and vulnerable and having had some pretty unethical treatment in the past, that was the response I was expecting. So having someone realise what I needed and respond to that with compassion feels extremely alien and I guess makes me question why someone would do that.

[Taylor27]

You were being very honest and open with her. I think therapist would be out of a job if they assumed there clients where being manipulative. I think you are very brave in sharing your deepest emotions with her. I think your therapist is very caring and willing to help you. I am so sorry you have had some professionals not being very kind to you. Big hugs

[susannahsays]

No, I do not think you were manipulative. I think it was appropriate to discuss this issue. Being manipulative would have been threatening to kill yourself if she stops seeing you, or acting like termination will have a bigger effect than it will. Doesn't sound like you did those things at all.

[ScarletPimpernel]

It doesn't sound like you were being manipulative. It just sounds like you were being honest with what you're feeling. Crying is not manipulative or selfish. If you threatened to kill yourself if she didn't see you for longer, that would be manipulative. L has a saying "Come as you are". If you’re sad, frustrated, mad, etc., bring it to therapy. That's where you can safely process it.

If you’re afraid you manipulated your T, talk to her about it.

I've been struggling with reducing sessions down in December. It's been hard, but I've been talking to L about it. She understands that I'm not trying to manipulate her and just voicing my feelings.

It's up to you whether you take the extra sessions. I probably would.

[KLL85]

Doesn’t really matter now, she changed her mind about the extra sessions and terminated me a couple of weeks ago, going back on everything she said. She also then broke confidentiality without my consent by writing to my GP which I had explicitly said I didn’t want her to do. So yeah, once again I’m left more damaged by therapy, hence the reason I’m searching for a new one.

[nikon]

I'm sorry to hear that things turned out badly. My concentration is nonexistant right now so didn't read closely enough to understand everything, but regarding psych nurses telling you that you are manipulative and attention seeking - I know how bad that can make you feel, and you are not a bad person. People seek attention, so that could be true, but it is totally normal and should not be a judgment! People often manipulate, and that is also totally normal (to a degree, not like criminals etc, which you aren't). Breaking confidentiality was a terrible move on her part. I hope you find someone who is trustworthy and transparent in their actions. Having therapy governed by a time limit is not great but I know some people don't get a choice.

[Fuzzybear]

I'm very sorry to hear things turned out badly, Her going back on everything she said is appalling, imo. (I have also been harmed by a couple of therapists who did not keep their word and went back on what they had said.) I hope you find a therapist who is worthy of your trust.

[Omers]

I’m sorry.

[Taylor27]

I'm so sorry she did that to you. Some therapist are not that good or understanding. My ex t often did not keep his word and hurt me allot. I hope you find a better therapist. Hugs

[Shotokan]

You were in no way manipulative. You were very honest. As you mentioned, you tried to avoid crying, but you couldn't. This is because your emotions were very real. I also think it was very important that you mentioned that you have suicidal feelings. This is something that she really needs to know. It is good that you told her.

I am so sorry to hear that things turned out so badly with this therapist and others.

You know if you are in the US, she broke HIPAA by writing to your GP without formal consent.