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just2b
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Default Oct 05, 2020 at 07:15 PM
  #21
I know that this is not your fault. But this is how it felt. Hearing that you can no longer see me until the authorization is done with the new Network that deals with veterans community care really sucks. As soon as you said with the 15 minutes left of session . we need to discuss your authorization. It has not been in place since July and I am afraid we will no longer be able to meet. Once the words came out, I completely shutdown, and was in a very protective mode. As the angry parts started to arise inside as my images were of violence, tearing up my room and breaking a window or even the coffee cup in front of me. but I could not muster the movement to do so. Other parts of me were in this kind of told you so, that she would eventually do this to us. That she is just like all the others. if she doesnt want to see us, hell then why try anymore and suicidal tendencies started coming around. Then it was the erasers trying to just ignore what was said and thinking that if we could just erase it all it would be okay. Then you asked Did you hear what I said, as you watched me just avoid your eye contact and hold back tears, you repeat, did you hear me, I want to make it clear that this is temporary and is just until the authorization is put in place. My mind swirling with a range of thougths and emotions, and you ask me what i would do in your shoes, and I said probably the same, and bursted into tears. While tears rolled down my face, I sat there thinking how I regreted the past 6.5 years together and that i should of know it would end like this. I also have become rather very numb and motionless. Your voice is fading as you are telling me that I am okay and that your still there etc.. but you know what NEVER feels like it should. I often think that Im a just going to always have the emotional reactions of the many parts that make me up. I know its not your fault but I cant stop feeling hurt, and anger at you. I am sure on some level its a coping mechanisim but does not matter. Having you say it and hearing the words no matter why or the 2020 reason for it, its as if I am hearing it as a young child. This has triggered all the feelings of abandonment, hurt, mistrust, pain, and ****ed up relationships that I have had. This past week making that impulsive trip to the mountains was made as a distraction from you, and the trip was made with a drunk part of me, and the next morning the teenage part of me paid for it. Dragged my two kids on a trip to hell. It was not fun. they know it and i did too. You were on vacation and I just could not handle it, and felt that I made this trip in a panic to help deal with you leaving me. Thinking I will leave you too! Getting back, and having had emailed you all about it, and was a little hopefull that maybe you would write something and you havent is a let down. I get it, we are not seeing each other but are you really there for me?? Got the word from the coodinator that this will be for atleast 90 days or more until your creditials are approved or whatever but honestly, I right now in this moment as I write am not willing to continue therapy anymore. the pain and hurt is not from you its not your fault and I keep saying that but my logic and emotions do not line up and I have been so numb and shutdown since last week. I am about to loose my job, I dont seem to care much anymore. I have no interest in anything, my 6th grader is struggling with school online and I am not always able to be a mom and guide him but rather order him and its stressing him out. My 19 year old lost his job to Covid and has been just as depressed as I feel at times. I hate that your my only rock. I hate that I ever met you. I hate that you had ever given me that damn blanket, I hate that I have not been able to see you in person since March and i hate that it hurts so much that I want to leave it like this. Its not your fault I know ...its normal and yet I feel
Possible trigger:
I am trying to process all this on my own and understand that its just temporay and that it wont last long, but it does not work...I need to dissociate from you and this situation and i cant afford to let my children suffer because I can not be a mom. I am trying and miss you dearly. hoping that the authorization goes through soon ...90 days will be next year....that makes my chest hurt. OH WELL. I Guess I will just get used to it and keep on going as best I can. Please read emails and respond or if not just send a text saying HI. You wont.

Last edited by FooZe; Oct 06, 2020 at 12:27 PM.. Reason: added trigger tags
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Default Oct 05, 2020 at 08:17 PM
  #22
Dear T,
Thanks for scheduling me tomorrow morning. I was trying to read between the lines of whether you preferred I didn't take that slot but figured I'd just take it. maybe you hoped I wouldn't take it, with the "all I have is..." But oh well, that's on you, if you didn't want me to take it. Just, please be good tomorrow. This is so dumb, but I hope you're drinking coffee. I think the "green goo drink" or whatever it was put you off your game today or something.

Love,
LT
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Default Oct 05, 2020 at 11:38 PM
  #23
I’m dreading our appt tomorrow. I’ve actually been dreading it all weekend because I don’t have any clue what to say to you. I feel like you have me all wrong, and I’m hurt, but I’m tired of this carousel ride where we continuously go in the same circle over and over again. You can paint it as my issue, and in many ways it is, but I hope you will also acknowledge your part in it. Therapy is so incredibly unequal, especially for those of us with deep interpersonal trauma. It also is a “luxury” that many of us can’t afford, especially long term. And yet, once you are at a certain point in the process, with my kind of issues, you feel like you can’t live without it. It’s vicious, for sure.
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Default Oct 06, 2020 at 12:25 AM
  #24
Overall happier but in this moment I feel so sad.

Wrong to ask for an earlier session? But i have this feeling that you won't reply to that either. Like anything I've always felt that you changed the rules before telling me.

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Default Oct 06, 2020 at 09:35 AM
  #25
Please read my email.

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Default Oct 06, 2020 at 01:03 PM
  #26
Testing testing =I wanted to see if you would email back. If you hadn't I would have left.

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Default Oct 06, 2020 at 06:12 PM
  #27
24 hours... hope you're ready for this.
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Default Oct 06, 2020 at 06:31 PM
  #28
I keep thinking about how I am responding to all of this and the reddit thread of "am I the a**hole" I think I am. I really hope this works out as it sounds in your email. I'll keep an eye on the payments.
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Default Oct 06, 2020 at 07:58 PM
  #29
Dear T,
Do I send you an email? I don't know...

Maybe the question is, do I send you an email about stuff from session today, the stuff that's bothering me? Or perhaps not about that, but other stressors right now, like the anniversary that's tomorrow and what may be going on with my friend right now? Or...all of the above? I talked to H about some of it, and it helped. But I didn't address the anniversary. I'll see how I feel in an hour or so... or else early tomorrow morning.

Love,
LT
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Default Oct 06, 2020 at 08:03 PM
  #30
Dear T,
Also, I'm looking at other T's. In case you can't properly manage helping me pull back and deal with the attachment and dependence. Because I didn't feel too confident about that after today. Maybe I will need to consult with someone, even for just a session or two. I don't know. Maybe I wait to see how things go on Friday, what you say about thoughts about how to help me be less dependent. Just...worried. And the fact that you suggested the stuff with ex-MC was because I held onto him too tightly? Like it was on me, not him? That also bothers me....
Love,

--LT
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Default Oct 06, 2020 at 08:23 PM
  #31
Is it Wednesday 4pm yet????? So ready.
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Default Oct 06, 2020 at 08:54 PM
  #32
T: I've lost all hope. I will keep talking to you I guess, I just don't think it'll help me anymore. I'm sorry if I am a disappointment.
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Default Oct 07, 2020 at 12:13 AM
  #33
because you wont reply with something, I guess if i want a reply I have to ask for it, and really dont want to do that. it kind defeats the purpose. I am not sure if i like being cc on the emails between you and the coordinator as my first response was a bit harsh in your opinion as you called me out on it, and while I did not see anything wrong with it, i yet again feel that I am not allowed to have anger regarding this authorization process. i dont feel I directed it at the coordinator but just in general as THE VA is whom and what I truly am angry with as they screw me over so many times. I like the fact that the coordinator is getting progress made on the steps to getting your credentials approved and yet i dont want to get my hopes up either.

I wish I could be truly honest with you, I sometimes feel that, while Iam not able to be completely present in my most adult mind, and honestly feel it will always be, that maybe therapy is a waste now. I go between times of hope that I can work on this and be more present, but when I hear you say, I look forward to the day that you can be 100 % present all the time and know that your an adult now, I just feel bad. When I am not in my most adult self and haivng a day of emotions and anger, mostly, and at time sadness and just cry, and you mention that these are of the past emotions as the presently there is nothing going on to make you feel this way, I know and cant help it. That makes me angry. Sometimes I feel this anger is towards you. I hate that it is that it feels that way.

i am not sure what it is that I want. i miss you but dont.
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Default Oct 07, 2020 at 04:25 AM
  #34
Paid for 4 sessions up front. Now none of the drama if I will turn up or not.

Only 13 topics left to get through for the first time. (Just reading and making anki cards- nothing actually memorized.) Then the powerpoint and essay to still write up.

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Last edited by Lemoncake; Oct 07, 2020 at 05:06 AM..
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Default Oct 07, 2020 at 04:49 AM
  #35
Dear T,
I keep starting to write you an email, either actual typing or just in my head, but I'm not sure what to say. The more I think about some stuff you said, the more it bothers me. Like the thing about ex-MC, for one. But I feel it's stuff that we need to talk though, that shouldn't be handled over email.


But also today is a difficult anniversary for me (of course, you'd probably say the thing about how I only remember negative anniversaries). And one of my usual supports won't be available. So part of me wants some sort of contact with you. I sort of wish I'd just left today's appointment instead of moving it a day early.


But I don't really know what to say or what to ask for. So, I suppose I won't say anything at all...
Love,
LT
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Default Oct 07, 2020 at 09:43 AM
  #36
Was it weird when I was touching you yesterday? I wish I was with you right now.
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Default Oct 07, 2020 at 11:10 AM
  #37
thanks for the 'see you at 4pm' text earlier. i like it when you send them. hint hint.
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Default Oct 07, 2020 at 05:07 PM
  #38
Possible trigger:

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Default Oct 07, 2020 at 07:40 PM
  #39
Wow, L. I'd better be careful what I ask for, huh. I have a feeling you can be pretty tough when you wanna be.

I so wish I could have had a hug today.

Last edited by ArtieTheSequal; Oct 07, 2020 at 08:20 PM..
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Default Oct 07, 2020 at 09:15 PM
  #40
T: I can't do it anymore. I want you to help me, I just don't believe you can.
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