Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

I made that list. I started working on one of the items. It's a really long list.

I could tell you were hesitating about breaking the no contact out of session rule. Even though I wasn’t the one talking about outside contact. You kept hesitating before telling me to have my mom email you. Boundaries are a weird thing. Especially ours.

Dear T: sorry I had to send you the picture of my wrist. I just needed to know if I had messed up or not. Or if my 381 days is still in tact. If I messed up then you know, forget it, I'm going to really do some damage, but if I didn't mess up then I'll stay the course. Please let me know. Kit

Dear T: Wow, thanks for the quick reply. I'm glad it was a near miss and my days are in tact. Kit

Oh, haha, I wasn't intentionally cryptic it just came out that way. I had a dream where I met the same guy in an Irish pub 3 times in a row. But that's all there was to the dream, so I'm supposed to do an Active Imagination with it and find out more about the guy, who he might be, 'talk' to him. My dreams recently (I should check my notebook and see how far back) have changed - they are very short now, to the point, usually one-subject dreams as opposed to the super long, wildly convoluted and disorganized ones I always had in the past. L commented a couple-3 times about how long they used to be, since they started being short.

Oh that sounds interesting! I thought maybe it was some sort of standard Active Imagination exercise and was curious as to what it was about. Like "picture you're in an Irish pub, and...."

It's sorta a meditation kind of thing, the Jungian Active Imagination technique, where you relax and imagine yourself back in the dream you want to work with and then imagine yourself interacting with the characters/objects in the dream, talk to them, ask them questions, etc. It's one of the most useful things L has taught me, I think.

I totally heard your voice in my head this morning as I was waking up, say "Hey, Artie." I wonder what that was all about.

Dear T: thanks for being wonderful!

I feel scared and I just want to cry right now.

HUGS @Lemoncake

Dear T,
Ugh, what was that session? Felt like you were on a different page from me the whole time. Like you contradicted anything I said or wanted to do. And why are you putting fear in my head that I'm asking too much of H lately? Meanwhile, suggesting--pushing, really--for me to do something that would be a *much* bigger imposition on him. Like 45 minutes vs. 3 days? Is this some countertransference thing, where maybe you're having some conflict with your wife about things like that? Because it felt so different from the caring, supportive tone of Monday's session. And other recent sessions. And you didn't laugh at any of my jokes today either (ok, they weren't my best attempts, but still...)

And then your suggesting that the reopening of schools likely won't happen as planned. Can't you just let me hold onto something?

Maybe the bigger thing is my mentioning being teary-eyed while near your office for the cardiologist appointment. Then my adding, "I know, that sounds pathetic," and your not saying anything? Maybe I should have pushed it more to talk about it, but I felt embarrassed. And didn't want to seem like I was pushing you toward in-person sessions (even though you're fully vaccinated now).


I just feel really sad right now...plus I'm going to have to drive near your office again to drop the monitor off...which will make me even sadder...
-LT

Well I have been waiting for it to all go wrong and today was the day. You leave me standing waiting outside in the snow and therefore the session started late and didn’t even apologise. Then you tell me that you hadn’t even bothered to read my email that I sent to you six days ago. Saying that you meant to but got distracted is not going to make me feel any better. It made me feel completely and utterly worthless and unimportant and like I don’t matter. And then you didn’t even bother to explain what you meant last week when you said you there was aggression in me and I said that really upset me. You just dismissed it.
That trust and safety that was beginning to grow? Yeah that’s gone. Back to square one. All I want to do now is hurt myself and punish myself for being so stupid to think that you might actually care. Why do I even bother to try and stay alive?

To my current T: every time I drink blue fruit Lipton tea it’s gonna remind me of you and the last few in person sessions we had before very suddenly going virtual

To my next T: I hope you are not freaked out by me. Knowing you work with people with autism and other developmental delays makes me hope you’ll understand me.

Dear T,
Please be kind in your response to my email. Please don't get all defensive. And if you say let's just talk Friday, that's fine, too.


And I deleted a couple parts that seemed like my just attacking you. Because I know those were me lashing out due to fear and attachment stuff.

--LT

Hi T. I hope you don't have to cancel on Friday, even if it seems like I never have actually have anything to talk about with you. Talking to you is the highlight of my week, not that I'll ever tell you that!

Dear T,
Your response felt so clinical and not particularly caring. Could you have at least said you were sorry I felt bad about how the session went or something? I mean, it's probably for the best that we're just talking tomorrow instead of you writing some long response. But after waiting longer than normal in the morning for it, and getting increasingly anxious, I kind of expected something more?

Maybe you're getting sick of me or burnt out in general or something. Or you had an off day, but still, it sounded like you were still in that mindset when you wrote your reply. Please be good tomorrow, OK?
Love,
LT

You said I needed to go to the doctor and that I wasn’t taking care of myself. I was scared to go because I was worried something was wrong. Something is wrong. So I guess we’re both right.

Dear T,
I know I took a big chance on sending that text, and I hope it didn't annoy you at all. I didn't get the sense it did. I really appreciate your replying in the way you did. My nervous system seems to have calmed down now. I'm not sure why I got so anxious about it, but between the session and the tone in your email response, I was worried. Something clearly triggered me. I hope tomorrow's session can be productive and also lead me to feeling reassured that you'll continue to be supportive and caring and not push too much before I'm ready to handle it.
Love,
LT

this is so weird, L. I have never felt so much resistance before to doing an active imagination. this particular dream - I dunno. I can't seem to get there with this one. last night i even tried to have dream-you come with me when I tried to start it. didn't work. dream-you said no!! hmph!! this may call for some real creativity, you know. I have an idea. CG would be proud