Couch 220: Second To None!

beautiful pics, c!

L sent me this to cheer me up. It's so so beautiful!

Wow, that sunrise is amazing!

ugh i'm stressing over this presentation for my class. I finished this week's assignment and turned that in, but now i've been trying to work on this presentation and i feel like i'm failing on every slide. it's supposed to be our research proposal and we have to present a preliminary version of it next week. with precious little information on how to write the stuff!! I'm going to try to find a tutor.

this is too hard.


i'm too dumb.


and i don't know why i am doing this to myself.

You are not dumb! Don't feel defeated, you can do this!

Im watching Spaceballs for the first time.

Thats my big accomplishment for today. It is pretty funny. It just hit the part where its spoofing Laurence of Arabia. Omg so funny.

You're not dumb, Artie. If it wasn't challenging, you wouldn't grow and learn from it. It's just a preliminary proposal. You'll get feedback on it and adjust from there. You got this!

I love spaceballs. I like Mel Brooks. My favorite is Robin Hood Men in Tights

Is 'Its the thought that counts' an excuse or does it depend on the giver? Or your expectations of a gift? Or giver? Would you rather get nothing than a useless last minute gift?

Sorry i an not feeling well again and ruminating dont mind me.

Spaceballs is pretty darn funny. "Just plain... Yogurt." It did not seem dated, but maybe i am!

I remember going to see Men in Tights at the movie house, probably the one in the mall. Boy those were the days, shop the mall, eat at Olgas, then see a movie.

I got back from my trip yesterday and OH MY GOODNESS my thighs and calves are *killing* me hahahaaa. Plus I have a really impressive blister between two of my toes from hiking in wet sneakers. (After my hiking boots got soaked in the rain, I threw on my running shoes that I'd stashed in the car... but then the trail was super wet, with unavoidable puddles up to my ankles. I actually did my very last hike in Chacos and two layers of socks )

It was definitely worth it, though. The drive was long and that cold lonely rainy night was miserable, but on the whole I'm so glad I did it.

Just had a session where we talked a lot about theoretical stuff like my relational patterns (both in and out of therapy) and things like that... how I desire idealized caretaking, how I devalue others when they don't provide idealized caretaking, and one other thing that must be the most important one because I can't remember it ()... how I might be able to stimulate reflectiveness when in states of heightened affective intensity... but the session totally lacked emotional intensity so it didn't feel very satisfying. I get why we talked about all that, because it's important for me to have a solid understanding of my Stuff, but still. With three minutes left I mentioned this to T and he said he anticipated that and actually felt a bit guilty and started explaining why we were having a different sort of session; I interrupted him and said something like, "yes, I get it and I value what we've talked about but still I just wonder if I'm going to feel sort of bereft for a few days, if I'm going to feel the urge to do something to ramp up that emotional intensity again." He asked if I meant I was going to be unsafe and I said, "no, no, I didn't mean that as a threat, it's just something I was noticing in myself" and he seemed to get that.

I wonder how this is going to play out.

Tomorrow is therapy. I guess I am looking forward to it but I'm also not because I know that my T is struggling financially and I hope she doesn't bring it up again because it just makes me feel bad and makes me feel like I should be doing more for her. She did say that all she wants from me is my copay (which I've been paying even though I shouldn't be because I met my out of pocket maximum back in February). But it makes it harder for me to bring up my stuff if she is talking about her stuff.


Dad is seeing if he can get Esther a sooner vet appointment. There are a couple of animal hospitals in the area that might have more "round the clock" appointments, I'm not sure. I'll still keep the one with her vet so he can be apprised of the situation. Worst case scenario, I can text my friend who is a vet assistant and see what kind of antibiotics to buy Esther and then go to the feed store and get them. She hasn't had any more accidents so I'm not sure if it is a UTI or if it is just old age.

I just saw Liz in person for the second time since March. We're doing an in-person session every 2-3 weeks now. It's striking to me how different it feels to be in the same room. Maybe part of that is because in-person conversations with anybody are a rare occurrence for me still. I'm starting to see that there are things I want to talk about in person and things that are fine for telehealth. I was able to talk about deeper stuff that bothers me today. I kinda like the emotional intense sessions too. They are more productive and somehow more satisfying. Liz said that I seemed more "regressed," as in not able to integrate thoughts and feelings as well as I have been lately. I actually wasn't upset by that observation because I could feel what she meant. I think it was a good thing because if I had stitched my brain back together into a more integrated state, I wouldn't have been able to tell her about the emotional content that was on my mind. I just needed her to hear it all and absorb it, and I think that did happen today.

EM, that's interesting that you're finding how some things are better in person and some better for telehealth. I wish I could see Dr. T in person, but I imagine he won't allow it till the spring at the earliest, unless Covid magically goes away in the next couple months. I feel like it would seem really emotionally intense to meet in person now, but also perhaps more intimidating due to that.

So I asked Dr. T today if he'd ever be open to my working with another T at the same time as him. I started crying when I was about to ask the question and initially backed off. But then I pushed forward and asked, just saying a couple people had mentioned it to me on here, if it were a T who had a specialty or method he didn't use. To my surprise, he seemed open to it. Though he seemed at first to be thinking more in terms of my stopping with him a bit, seeing someone else, then coming back. I asked about at the same time, them collaborating. He said as long as they each did their own thing. And that it wouldn't turn into, say, my just talking about the sessions with the other T with him and/or vice versa, because he doesn't think that will be helpful to me. I was like, "Kind of what happened with ex-T and ex-MC, and, I guess, with you and ex-MC at one point?" and he said he wasn't really thinking of that, but yes.


So now I need to figure out if this is something I might want to do, whether now or later. And if the answer is yes, I suppose I'll need to tell Dr. T that the suggestion actually came in part from a T I had a consult with...

Oh, and I said how I was concerned he'd say no because he was bothered that I'd reached out to a few T's when we had the conflict next week. He said it was that I wasn't going to him and trying to work it out first, not that I'd contacted them. Which did make some sense. I had just thought he was being possessive or something...

Liz has done a TON of modifications for COVID. Masks, hand sanitizer, air purifier, chairs further apart, signs to not touch anything. She calls me to come in and meets me at the door so I don't need to use the waiting room or touch the doorknob. We're basically one step away from full-on bunny suits. If she couldn't do all that stuff, I don't think she would offer to see people in person either. And I get the sense that most of her other clients are still just doing teletherapy.

I don't think I prefer teletherapy for any topics, just feel like I can talk about some things and get something useful. I don't hate teletherapy, but I much prefer in person. It's hard to get fully into therapy mode without the privacy of her space and the... hmmm... way her office is so removed from my life, I guess?

ETA: I am still not sure how to handle masked crying. I just kinda let the tears slide behind my mask today. Nose blowing seems out of the question. Maybe I could invent some kind of mask with built-in tissues...

L is doing all those same things since I went back to in person recently. I don't know if it's any consolation or not but I haven't figured out how to handle masked crying either. Let me know if you invent the mask with built-in tissues, I'd buy one