Couch 221: Definitely Spam!

Ugh, I told Dr. T today, in the midst of talking of my fears about COVID and a winter surge, that I'm worried he would die (say, of COVID) before I am able to see him in person again. To his credit, he handled it very well, saying he found it to be "heartwarming."

I tempered it by saying I have similar fears regarding my friends and family (which is true!) But I still feel a bit awkward and pathetic about it. Yet also sort of relieved to have gotten it out.

Earlier in session I mentioned how I miss actually being in his office (he normally does Zoom sessions from there, and was there today), and he said I'm not the first client to have said that. And that he wonders at times if he'll ever see a client in person there again and seemed kind of sad about it (he said he has no plans to give up his office, partly because he's stuck in a long lease of the office suite and rents out to like 10 other clinicians of various sorts).

On a lighter note, early in session I mentioned something (not related to him) and said I was concerned he'd judge me for it. Dr. T: "I'd never judge you for it." Me: "OK, good, I was afraid you'd think I was a monster." Dr. T: "Well, it's already been established that you're a monster, so that's not an issue." Me: "Ah, you determined that in the first year or so?" Dr. T: "Exactly."

I got my Christmas shopping done. I just have some charitable giving to do. I need to wrap some presents but it's nice to be done.

Had a really nice appointment with T on Saturday. Dang. Every time I think it's time to quit she really earns her pay and I think, how can I quit now?


She was helping me with my hallucinations. Talking me through them. Just trying to help me make sense out of them and not be afraid of them. She really is quite lovely. She was upset that the hallucinations were upsetting me.

Maybe you could do the Monster test with monster munch?

Walkers Crisps Monster Munch Pickled Onion Snacks Box, 40 g (Pack of 30): Amazon.co.uk: Grocery

P.s It's not pathetic to worry about someone who means a lot to you.

i don't wanna show up for class tonight. i'm tired. i want to either sleep or run away from home. things had been going so well for awhile at home i should have been wary. h is a jacka$$.

I'm sorry your H is being an *****. You don't deserve that. I hope things get better. And that class goes well. How much class do you have left?

OOOoo what kind of stuff did you buy if you don't mind sharing.

This year for my sisters I just sent Korean noodles, Ferrero rocher chocolates and even more 100% slave free chocolate. I don't buy for my parents or my brother. and I'm not doing gifts for T this year either, but my brother and I have agreed to get something for H the pharmacists brother. I always gave him a box of Scottish shortbread every year from M&S whenever I came back to London, so it will be the same.

we saw some friends last night for dinner (outside) and i gave them each one of the crocheted christmas trees. they loved them. why h is a jacka$$: one of them asked why we haven't been to hawaii yet (it came up in conversation) and h looked at me pointedly and said "Artie?" and then said it was because I hadn't lost enough weight yet. I was SO embarrassed I got up and went to the restroom just to get away. I hate him. I hate him so much.

So, weird moment in therapy this morning. I mentioned that the scientist guy I met and liked on Saturday is from X country. T paused and said, "I think I'm about to say something a little racist." I was like, "um, *excuse* me?" Then T said, "well, I'm half [ethnicity from X country] so I feel like I can say this." I was totally shocked because physically he doesn't at all look like he is half [ethnicity from X country] but I laughed a little and said, "okay, so perhaps in this one particular instance I'll allow it." Then he said, "well, men from X country can sometimes be narcissistic in a particular way..." and went on to warn me about how this could go wrong.

It's especially interesting because in his book there's a line about him feeling unloved by a narcissistic parent (he doesn't specify a gender). I wonder if that line is about his dad from X country.

In any event, it was a very odd conversation.

Maybe you could do the Monster test with monster munch?

Walkers Crisps Monster Munch Pickled Onion Snacks Box, 40 g (Pack of 30): Amazon.co.uk: Grocery

P.s It's not pathetic to worry about someone who means a lot to you.

we saw some friends last night for dinner (outside) and i gave them each one of the crocheted christmas trees. they loved them. why h is a jacka$$: one of them asked why we haven't been to hawaii yet (it came up in conversation) and h looked at me pointedly and said "Artie?" and then said it was because I hadn't lost enough weight yet. I was SO embarrassed I got up and went to the restroom just to get away. I hate him. I hate him so much.

Started the Amazon show Utopia. It's brilliant so far and would recommend if you haven't already seen it. The story line is a about a comic book giving clues to future events, but there's a lot of gorey scenes + references to viruses so viewer discretion is advised.

we saw some friends last night for dinner (outside) and i gave them each one of the crocheted christmas trees. they loved them. why h is a jack a$$hole: one of them asked why we haven't been to hawaii yet (it came up in conversation) and h looked at me pointedly and said "Artie?" and then said it was because I hadn't lost enough weight yet. I was SO embarrassed I got up and went to the restroom just to get away. I hate him. I hate him so much.