[emmaleemochizuki]

About one month ago I sent my T an email, and quite honestly written some of the things I wanted to say for a long time but never said.

The way she responded to me in sessions and outside sessions changed a lot. She never used to reply my emails, except for practical scheduling matters, and I got used to her not replying and I understood why she didn't because there's not a lot you can therapeutically respond in an email. But recently she replied to my emails, with something anyway, I guess I was a bit surprised at first but it actually reassures me a little bit. And she always ends her email saying 'I look forward to see you (whenever our next session) is. I always have this huge fear that she doesn't want to work with me, and I guess that again makes me feel a bit better.

when I first started seeing her two and a half years ago I was very defensive. A lot of our sessions contained a lot of silences. But slowly I started to open up. The first year wasn't pretty. I relapsed with anorexia, but there was one session when she said '(my name), you are not fine'. I remembered that forever because it is the first time when someone tried look past the shell I keep myself in, and the pretending to be fine, when in fact I was so broken inside.

Slowly I started to get less defensive, and slowly I started to be more like myself instead of trying to act a certain way. I never cried in front of anyone, but there were two times this year when she really helped when I was in a bad place. I started showing the vulnerability in front of her, and I know even when I try to pretend I'm ok, she knows me well enough by now to see past that.

And bit by bit I started to reveal some of my past that I never thought I will talk about. I don't like people feeling sorry for what I been through, but they way she responded was exactly what I needed to hear, an acknowledgement that certain things happened to me that shouldn't have been.

If you watched 'Good Will Hunting' you will remember the scene when Sean told Will multiple times 'It's not your fault'. I have had a similar experience with my T, she showed that she really listened, and didn't just kind of respond like 'it must been awful', but she understood why I felt the way I did. Trauma and its feelings is to unique to everyone and I think I needed her to understand but yet also able to highlight that it's not my fault.

[Yaowen]

Dear emmaleemochizuki,

I am glad that your therapist is kind and empathetic. It is always great when one finds someone like that. I had a therapist like that once and it was such a comfort and so helpful. Sadly, I have never seen the movie "Good Will Hunting" but hope to someday. So many people have told me it is a really wonderful film. By the way, I think you are really heroic!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

[Merope]

Im glad you have found such a good fit! Your therapist sounds great! I relate a lot to what you wrote, especially the part about showing vulnerability. Before I met my t, showing vulnerability always led to something bad. I’m thankful to him for resetting that.

[Lemoncake]

Well done on your progress.