Counselor acted like our conflict had never happened - very strange session

I thought about ending sessions with my counselor (who isn´t a therapist)because I feel she can´t help me that much and because she never goes into emotional processing or understanding. She talks more or less only in general terms about stuff and things that happen to me.

I cancelled my upcoming meeting with her, through a digital health service platform. When she noticed, the same day as the meeting was set to be, she first phoned me and then texted me, asking why I had cancelled our meeting.

First I didn´t respond at all but after a day or so I felt it wasn´t fair to just ignore her call and her text so I texted her back and told her briefly how I feel. I also told her I wish we could solve this and that my reactions is part of why I´m in counseling.

She offered me a new meeting after reading my answer to her and I accepted.

All this had now happened, me cancelling the session, her phoning and texting me and then we texted back and forth a couple of times.

Today I saw her and she didn´t say a single word about our "conflict"! I told her I was grateful she had offered me another session and that we could use what happened in our "conflict" in our sessions. I then meant to go into what happened, what I reacted to and so on. She didn´t even comment on that but just talked like our conflict had never happened.

At the end of our session I said to her that "we can talk more about what happened" and she didn´t answer to that. I was on my way out of the room but I stood in front of her when saying that but she just said "goodbye" or similar and shut the door.

This is so very strange! She discussed other matters like my unemployment and such so it wasn´t that she seemed angry or upset about our conflict.


I feel this is very odd, I was more or less sure she would mention something about my cancellation, our texts or at least say that she thought it was nice we could meet again or similar.

I also hinted two times about our conflict, in the beginning and at the end so it´s not that she could have forgotten.


How to interpret all this?

You say she doesn’t go into emotional processing or understanding and only talks in general terms...so why would she go into this?

Like you said, she’s not a therapist. Did she specifically say you’d discuss it, or just offer you another meeting?

You said you told her briefly how you felt. Maybe she didn't really get that there was a conflict between the two of you. I once had a T be extremely angry with me (for a short amount of time) and I had no idea why. There was certainly a conflict in her mind but not in mine. She got over it and we moved on. I still have no idea why she was angry. Nor do I remember what led up to it. Maybe your counselor just doesn't get that there is a problem. To her everything may seem like it is normal between the two of you. Talking about your unemployment and such seems to be what she is able to handle talking about. Maybe ask her if she thought there was conflict between the two of you. She may have no idea that you felt that way even though you mentioned the conflict.

You don't need to be a therapist to just mention something about what happened and talk it through. Just because it doesn't say "therapist" in her employment papers that doesn't mean she's prohibited to talk about such obvious things like what had happened between us.

It's like you mean she probably offered me the session to just come in and chitchat with her.

Sarah...sorry if I missed something. I know you said you cancelled your session because you were giving up on everything but I seem to have missed what the conflict was. Maybe we could help more if we knew what went wrong between the two of you.

It honestly doesn't sound like anything happened "between you" so much as you had expectations that were different than what she did (which is something that has happened before with multiple therapists if I remember correctly).

My guess is she didn't really see it as as large an issue as you do for whatever reason. It seems like this all started when you got a bit anxious about her buying a computer which you thought indicated she might go online. But that was all your supposition rather than an actual conflict. YOU may feel conflicted, but I'm not sure that is the same as there being an actual conflict "between" you.

I don't know. It all seems rather unclear from what you have shared here. (Going on memory and I may have it all wrong.) It seems like about the same time, you posted about an acquaintance that you felt didn't respond the way you wanted her to either, but I don't know if there is a connection or not.

I'm confused, too. What is it that you would like from your counselor?

At first, I thought you said that you were afraid that your counselor would leave you if there were a rupture between the two of you. Then you cancelled your appointment and said that you wanted to stop seeing her and just get your sick leave payments without trying to get any help, since nothing was helping. In what you have written here, it sounds as if you are experiencing a conflict but maybe she isn't.

Are you still feeling uncomfortable that she seems unhappy in her job and you don't want to be a part of that if that's the case? Could you maybe expand on that a little? Is that the conflict? Also, maybe you don't like hearing about her unhappiness because, overall, her life situation seems to you so much better than yours? Seems to me what you are dealing with here is maybe uncomfortable feelings in you that you are trying to deal with on your own. It might be great if you had a therapist who could help you, but your counselor isn't that. So. . .

On the other hand, if there is something specific that you would like to say or ask her, then it might be better if you could be more direct with her instead of hinting. I guess you may be concerned about the risk of a rupture? But perhaps you could write out what you want to say beforehand, so you can be clear and specific?

But perhaps I'm off the mark here -- like I said, I'm confused. Which makes me wonder -- maybe your counselor gets confused sometimes, too?

I think she might only discuss the conflict with you if you bring it up directly, maybe if you wanted to discuss it, mentioning it isn’t enough, maybe you needed to say what you wanted to say about it first, and then she would respond? My T would never bring up anything about an email I sent her unless I brought it up, and I think she also tried to ‘stay the same’, no matter what rupture I felt that we had had, she was just the same when we met up again.

I also think that if the person you see has never had therapy herself or therapy training, she might not see the value in talking about the relationship?

I’m sorry that you are stuck with this, though what you really want relational therapy.

I don’t think she thought there was any conflict.

What was the conflict?

You were upset previously that she mentioned missing her family and you thought she might not like her job anymore. But she didn’t know you were upset about it. So there wasn’t really a conflict, at least in her mind. I am not sure. Typically if you want to discuss something you need to bring it up

I also kind of suspect from professional stand point that her task is to get you employment ready and she is required to speak of unemployment. I bet that’s what clinic asks of her. It might appear like a chit chat but since you must see her to maintain you financial assistance, topics of employment is something needed and required likely at every session

Thanks.

I told her in the text I sent her I feel she sees my problems as minor, nothing to care about that much and that it doesn't matter to her if I see her at the facility or not. That she doesn't value I commute to the facility although the corona situation and other things.

I also told her I feel it's hard to confront situations like these and that I've felt upset and sad about it.

She has all this written down as I texted it to her. She responded so I know she has read it.

I think it's irrelevant if she's able to see this from a therapeutic stance or not, which she most likely can't. But in most other situations when two people have met for a longer period of time and one of them expresses disappointment, hurt feelings or similar, the other person acknowledges that in some way or the other.

My counselor didn't mention anything and that adds to my feelings that she ignores how I feel and what I express to her.

She just wants to check in on things that happened since last time like I'm not at all affected by everything that goes on around me. She never acknowledges or asks about how I feel about things and I sometimes repeat that I feel my situation is very draining or similar but she doesn't pick up on that.

I'll just let time pass and show her the same indifference to what she asks me as she shows towards what I tell her.

This sounds to me that she didn’t hear, understand or address your concern Maybe you are looking for a different style of support. I wouldn’t cut ties with someone who you’ve developed a relationship with but I don’t see the harm in seeking support elsewhere or revisiting your concern with her. If she can’t or doesn’t offer that kind of support, maybe she can explain why and help you explore different ways to find that information on your own. Then, you can bring with you what you’ve learned into sessions for practice.

Much of this seems to go back to the fact that she really isn't a therapist. She's really in place for your job counseling, etc. from what I understand. She's just not equipped to handle you like a therapy client, but that frustrates you because you need a therapist. Are there any further options for being placed with an actual therapist?

Thanks. Yes, that´s how it was, she ignored it, didn´t even mention it with one single sentence. I live in Sweden and I´ve already looked for help for years now. I´m with this counselor as I need to be "somewhere" to get my sick leave.

They don´t bother with such things as finding someone else. If I tell my counselor I don´t want to see her anymore I´m all on my own due to how our health system works.

She knows I need more qualified support as I´ve told her that several times. I also think it would be rather simple for her to acknowledge that I cancelled last session and just talk that through a bit. That´s how people do all the time, when someone´s angry, upset, disappointed and so on, you talk that through. I find it very strange that she can´t just ask me some simple questions and tell me it was good I could see her again, that I accepted her offer for a new session or similar.

Her job isn´t about job counseling per se, she doesn´t help me to look for work but as I´m unemployed, one of our themes during sessions have been my unemployment.

I still don´t think she needs to be a therapist to acknowledge things I tell her, to show me she understands and to mention something about my cancellation and what I told her in my text to her.

No, there are no options as here we can´t get access to proper psychotherapy unless you pay for it yourself. We don´t have any therapists who offer low fees, at least not as low as you need when living in welfare. That´s why I´ve stuck with this counselor for so long. She should be a professional and should be able to tell me straight out why she doesn´t even touch the subject of my cancellation and what I shared with her around that situation.

Just wanted to validate your perspective that she doesn't need to be a therapist to acknowledge that you were upset and to be curious about that. I don't think that's something that's inherently therapeutic in nature. Imagine if nobody ever talked about interpersonal issues unless a therapist was involved.

I do wonder if you're overestimating the power of the "hints" you drop. It seems like when people rely on such tactics, they are often left feeling misunderstood and ignored. I do understand that you were direct in your text messages, but many people, including professionals, will still expect the person to bring up the issues face to face if they are truly important. It's possible she interpreted your demeanor as the normal and incorrectly deduced that there was nothing to talk about - especially as it sounds like this conflict occurred primarily as an internal event for you. When you said you could talk more about what happened at the end of the session, it may have seemed as bizarre and unexpected to her as her lack of response to the texts was to you.

Thanks. Yes, now a few more sessions have passed and still nothing - she acts like my cancellation and our "conflict" never happened. As she´s personal and not professional with me I guess she feels it becomes "too personal" if I was to talk about how I feel about things she said or done.

She can´t interpret anything beyond the actual situation and perhaps she feels she can´t really "defend" herself as she doesn´t know any strategies to interpret and validate. Instead it would be like a private conflict like with some of her colleagues or friends, not with one of her patients.

She never acknowledges any of my feelings or when I try to tell her something I find difficult, sad, disappointing or such. She does listen to it and says "yes" and "no" but she never validates much. I always leave feeling empty even if the sessions are "nice" and gives me an hour break from my loneliness and my own thoughts.

Very frustrating.

I'm sending support. It does sound frustrating