Couch 223: Jan 4: Darn Tootin'!

Ooh, chilli rellenos - a poblano with steel cut oatmeal and nutritional yeast - breakfast of campiones! My new diet is fill your plate with half veg, half whole starch, no oil; fruit; brownies (hey a girls gotta live!).

Morning couch. So after the margaritas wore off, I did a lot of thinking last night about what L said yesterday about life not being a hallmark movie. Kept me awake half the night, thankful I'm off work today. I think maybe in my heart of hearts that I did kinda want that. And I think in that same heart I also thought therapy was gonna make me perfect or something. Perhaps that's what kept me coming back. How silly I was. She really slapped me with a dose of reality yesterday. I guess I needed it, though. At the moment, I don't really want to go back next week. It felt yesterday like she wanted rid of me because in addition to telling me how my low energy was affecting her, she was also complaining about a lot of clients sitting on her couch "wanting a hallmark movie". eta: both of those made me feel like I'm a burden to her.

I'm still glad that I went back to her instead of to a new t, at least for up until now, because I did process another bunch of stuff the last few months.... but I think maybe now it might just be time for a new t. If she's starting to say things to me that she wouldn't normally say to a client just because we've known each other a long time - is that even therapy anymore? I'm not sure...

Yum, brownies! Especially with peanut butter chips in them.

Hm, Artie, I can see multiple angles of this. So with L telling you that life isn't a Hallmark Movie--do you think it's more that it's a reality that you didn't want to hear/face? Or did it feel more like she was being judgmental of your wanting things to be a certain way?


Just thinking how at times I've been bothered by things a T has said, and sometimes it's because it's reality I don't want to face. But other times, it's because I'm feeling judged for being who I am. Maybe sometimes a mix of both? (Like Thursday, when Dr. T was telling me he could understand why my H could be frustrated by my continuing anxiety about a certain topic and that maybe I should take concerns about that to someone else from now on).

But her saying how your low energy is affecting her--that would definitely bother me. It's one thing if she said, "I'm sensing you're a bit low-energy today, what's going on?" But talking about its affect on her makes me think of countertransference stuff. And her admitting she wouldn't normally tell a client that. Plus her complaining about other clients who want a Hallmark movie. Maybe she's getting a bit burned out of doing therapy? (not with you in particular, but in general).


Could you maybe try a new T for a bit then potentially return to L later if you wanted?

Have you ever thought about looking at your older posts about this? There may be a pattern.

Thanks LT. I think it was a mix of both I think - reality I didn't like, but also, I felt very judged. I had decided to lay down for my session yesterday and I'm glad I did because I was able to respond more in the moment to her without pausing to think. I said through my tears why am I wrong to want my friends to not be hateful toward each other? she said "I didn't say you were wrong." Which confused the hell out of me because yes she did, maybe not using the actual words, but it was clearly inferred that I should not feel that way. And she said I'm wanting to control everyone again. But... what kind of a world would this be if no one ever spoke up and urged others to love one another instead of be hateful?

I'm sure she is getting burned out. I would imagine a lot of t's are as long as this pandemic has been dragging on, and in the US with the political stuff piled on top of it. It was so weird because in the next breath it was like she was trying to smooth over what she said because she goes "That's what you pay me for." But that didn't sit well either, because I already felt awful that I had made her feel tired, now she says that's what I pay her for, so that made me feel like I make her feel bad every week? She got a tad defensive yesterday too when I questioned something she said she goes "Your dream said that, I didn't." I don't like this situation much anymore. Perhaps yesterday was just an off day for her. I don't know.

that's a good idea to try someone else briefly. Now to decide if I should talk to her about doing so.

I would not interpret what the therapist said the way you have done. I don't go where you go - I don't see this this as the clear inference - I would make a different inference (for me, this is not unusual in terms of inferences because it appears as though I don't infer as others do so there is that) "Which confused the hell out of me because yes she did, maybe not using the actual words, but it was clearly inferred that I should not feel that way. "
Just because you feel X does not mean she did Y. If you actually believe that - then take back your power - which is possible without quitting

What you want is not possible. Human nature does not work the way you (or anyone I would guess) want it to look. Your vision is not universal - it is not my vision.
So first, not everyone wants what you want. Even if everyone wants the same thing, the vision of implementation often is not the same and then clash. You can't stop differences in human beings and if you could -would everyone agree on which are the right ones and which are the wrong ones?
Second: "But... what kind of a world would this be if no one ever spoke up and urged others to love one another instead of be hateful? " We will never know and as a fantasy it is fine - but perhaps one can both think of a utopia AND accept without being crippled by emotion -that it is okay that the world does not work like that.
3. You seem to default to you are just emotional and that is how you are. But there can be a balance between brain and over-emoting. Whether you want a balance or not is something -but it is a choice. Which is what I think the therapist is telling you.

Every time the gooey fuzzy doesn't happen - you freak out, agonize and quit, etc - seriously - look at the pattern if you want to change it. IF you are happy with it - then no worries but if you are not happy, then ???

I am no fan of therapy or therapists and if someone else want to hire those guys or not is not what I getting at. But I really think it might give you information if you just looked at your pattern

Thanks sd. Actually I'm not freaking out like I have in the past. I'm honestly trying to work this out and hearing y'alls perspectives is helpful. I do know that part of this is definitely a pattern for me and I'm really trying to understand it hopefully to stop doing it.

It's like it's a vicious circle or whatever when I look at something logically (or try to) I end up back in the feelings, and then I try to look at those feelings intellectually and that leads me back into other feelings and it's a dang un-merry go round I can't seem to get off of. As L often talks about the karpman drama triangle I see myself playing every part in it pinging around corner to corner, when I let myself get caught up in stuff like this.

I would love to find the balance you speak of. I want to. I really do.

Perhaps that is what she was trying to say yesterday. And maybe this is the life lesson that I have been refusing to learn all this time, that life itself doesn't work the way i want it to, that I need to stop tilting at windmills or whatever and just get about living my own damn life.

I don't know.

I did do some unfollowing on facebook of the people who are posting the hateful stuff. maybe that's all i can do. maybe they're not really friends if they're trying to pit me one against the other.

I want to learn to buckdance. And to play the bass. and to Taiko drum(I had a class on this but it ended with the great shut down of 2020). There is a list of things I want to learn to do - buckdancing and clogging have some youtube videos so I can start on those.

Is #387 like the longest SD post ever?

Art, when I first saw your description of your session yesterday, I thought she was expressing empathy with how bad you felt, not complaining about it. You seemed to take it that way, too, why not stick with that?

As for the rest, it’s a common misconception that therapy is meant to improve clients or make them better people and I suppose it might in some cases, e.g., if it helps kick an addiction or criminal behavior. But for most of us, it’s meant to give us better strategies for coping with the world and our lives.

If I unfollow someone on Facebook, I don’t see their posts in my feed, but I think you can still see them if they respond to a post of yours. 2020 and now 2021 have been great years for unfollowing and blocking people onnsocialmedia for me.

I just felt so awful when she said my low energy was making her tired and in retrospect that kinda set the stage for the rest of this to come out i suppose.

thanks for that - the common misconception thing - i've been expecting her to make me perfect haven't i? yeesh.

we'll see what happens with the unfollowing. this one particular person rarely responds to my own posts, she mostly just shares conspiracy stuff and posts hateful things in response to people who didn't vote for 'her president' and talk about it. i don't post political stuff so she has no idea who i voted for, so she apparently has no reason to respond to my posts. like i said, maybe she's not really the friend that i thought she was anyway. which was another thing L said yesterday. There was some really good stuff in the session too. My intellectual thinking when it comes to therapy-related stuff is not up to par. I can think intellectually when it comes to school, but if I try to apply it to feelings-stuff like therapy has always been, I'm in kindergarten again. I know she's trying to be more thinking-function with me than in the past, and I'm fighting it for all I'm worth, aren't I? This is SO very interesting if I step outside of myself and look in at it.

I appreciate the input here you guys. So much.

I got my shoulder x-ray scheduled for next Friday morning early. Once the dr sees the x-ray she'll get me set up for physical therapy.

I recognise some of my behaviour and responses to my therapist in your descriptions, ArtieTheSequal. If I hear something unpleasant or agitating, I am hurt and want to push her away. Sometimes I want to punish her (using variations of "screw you, I will work with someone else" or "you aren't professional") and sometimes I shut down. However, some of my growth has occurred when I have stayed, worked with the unpleasant feelings or responses, and paid attention to what new things have emerged.

I think clients often want meaningful relationships with their therapists (I certainly do), but when that meaning shows itself as something less than warm and compassionate, we want to leave the relationships. Old hurts are evoked and long-standing, unhelpful responses are the result. Relational work sometimes means hearing that the effect we have on others is not always pleasant. For me, the question is whether hearing about her response to me is useful to me - and by useful, I don't mean nice to hear, I mean something which will help my growth. I am not in therapy to become a better person or to learn strategies, but to understand myself and my internal world. In other words, is the therapy relationship safe enough that you can hear and work with those challenging remarks from her?

thank you comrademoomoo. i appreciate what you said. about the relationship being safe enough -i think it is - and i think that's why i keep going back to it time and time again. and i am definitely working with what was said yesterday. she pushed me harder than I was expecting or was ready for. i'm still bristling about going back next week. But at the same time, I know that I'm going to.

I'm gonna crochet this afternoon, I just dug out a WIP (Work In Progress) from the closet, an afghan that I started for myself probably a couple years ago at least. I want to finish it because it's pretty and I like it. Pics to come.

This also sounds familiar to me! And when I feel this, I feel resentful, angry, tricked, vulnerable: as if she is making a fool of me by manipulating me into needing her. I have not experienced this kind of need before and I scapegoat her. Of course, this says much more about my process than her behaviour. Bristle away though, really let that bristle and sharpness come out with her, it is better than letting it fester.

Im really looking forward to her tiktok videos of her dancing or did i read that wrong?

Fie! Natures bakery brownies. For sweetness they have fig seeds.

Also revision to chilli relleno menu - that will be breakfast, dinner will be with refried beans. Do you ever watch Pati's Mexican Table on PBS? She loves her culture so much. I love her so much!

Re a hallmark movie - thats what the next generation is for! And facebook! All those hopeful brides and babies! We're just here to be wise now.