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Old 01-13-2021, 11:52 AM   #1
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Default Falling apart? How to manage until Friday?

I am in the USA.

I feel like I'm falling apart. I managed to snag an emergency appointment with T; usually I see her every 2 weeks, and this week is my "off" week, but since I feel so miserable, I texted her and asked if she could fit me in. I got a session at noon on Friday.

I have worked at my job since 1985. A lot of things have changed during that time: who my supervisor has been, which department I've worked in, computer systems have migrated to newer versions or entirely new systems. Now we have the Pandemic. I've been working from home since March 2020.
My sister-in-law died from Covid in November 2020.

Currently I am working on a project which just gets worse and worse. I see my supervisor tomorrow for my annual evaluation and discussion of my work program for the next year (Jan.2021-Dec.2021). My evaluation is less glowing than I expected it to be, so that got me thinking about retirement again. But I'm only 61.

All the rules about when you can apply for retirement, medicare, SSDI, SSI, etc., have my head spinning, which is not helping my anxiety or my depression or my PTSD. What I want to do is run away. OR take ativan and climb under the covers. But I'm afraid if I do this, it will be ALL I do. I'm ruminating intensely. My supervisor doesn't answer email questions in a timely manner, and I don't want to go over her head for two reasons: 1, I still have to work with her and 2, I don't like or respect HER supervisor. Since she doesn't answer me, I either need to figure stuff out on my own (that comes with its own complications), or just wait until she gets back to me.

My new work program for 2021 has more tasks in it than it did the last several years (and this is also a semi-new supervisor for me). I know the financial problems we are facing and I know they are moving people around to other jobs, due to retirements and resignations. That doesn't make me feel any better.

I feel like I could burst out crying any minute. I'm shaking like a leaf. I feel "less than," and this is in complete contrast to my educational levels; I have 3 Master's degrees. I feel like I'm glued to my chair. Maybe I should take the afternoon off. I could either take meds and retreat to my bed, or maybe I could get something done for myself, something that matters to me, like working on my overly-cluttered home. I have all these choices, but I can't decide on any of them. I realize that I am now rambling. I haven't self-harmed in well over a year, but that idea is floating around in my mind, too.

I tried to talk to my wife about this; she offered to take a part time job in addition to her full time job. I don't want her to do that and told her so. But I also told her I didn't know WHAT I want to do. Everything is so difficult. I started to cry as I spoke to her. I didn't want to cry, so I stopped speaking.

Help me get through this, please. I've never gone inpatient but I feel that that might be an option for me, although it just feels like running away. I'm wondering whether I should call Pdoc. I don't WANT to go inpatient, because I'm afraid my wife won't be able to visit me. Would Pdoc increase my meds? If he did, I might have to just lie in my bed, anyway. whattodo what to do what to do?
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Old 01-13-2021, 12:12 PM   #2
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Default Re: Falling apart? How to manage until Friday?

Hi Cool.


I think calling Pdoc would be a good idea. He might be able to augment the meds that you are on or something to help you through this difficulty. Going inpatient is a hard choice. It would give you a rest for a couple of days but then when you come out you still have to face what you just had a rest from. Would the rest help? Could you just take off a couple of days from work and rest at home and get the same benefit? I'm a little biased against hospitals since my hospitalization last year. I would do just about anything to not go in one again. I doubt your wife would be able to visit right now due to Covid. Maybe see what happens after you talk to T on Friday and maybe call your Pdoc and see what he has to say. You're in a hard spot. Keep writing here. You are being heard. HUGS Kit
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Old 01-13-2021, 12:13 PM   #3
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Default Re: Falling apart? How to manage until Friday?

Dear coolibrarian,

I am so very, very sorry this is happening to you! How awful! Something somewhat similar happened to me many years ago and I don't know how I got through it. I wish I had some advice for you, but sadly I am at a loss. Hopefully your T will be able to help you on Friday. Maybe your Pdoc will be able to help you. I have been inpatient before and it helped me. I realize that everything I have written here is pretty pathetic and unhelpful but I don't know how to be helpful to you in this heartbreaking situation. Hopefully others here will have better words for you than mine!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Old 01-13-2021, 03:15 PM   #4
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Default Re: Falling apart? How to manage until Friday?

I am so sorry this is happening. I would try to take some time off to relax. Also getting ahold of your pdoc is a good plan and im so glad you are seeing your therapist on Friday. I hope taking time away from the pressures of work and focusing on you will help you feel better. Hugs
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Old 01-13-2021, 03:42 PM   #5
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Default Re: Falling apart? How to manage until Friday?

Hang in there CL, you are almost there. I look forward to Wednesday's activities to help me get through the work week. There was a time I didn't have those leisure activities planned and was unemployed. I took time away to work on myself but I needed more help than I could provide for myself. Although I did consider inpatient, I decided to push myself to the next check-point. And it has been a rocky road. I look back and question whether I could have been in a different place had I taken the time I needed then…. Maybe I could be fully healed by now, or maybe I would have been patched up better. Or maybe what is getting me down is not something I am ready to face. But I will keep working towards my goals one day at a time. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.
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Old 01-13-2021, 07:46 PM   #6
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Default Re: Falling apart? How to manage until Friday?

Hey there, cool- I hope your day became less overwhelming as the hours passed. Excellent that you have the appointment on Friday.

IP is something of a time out, for sure. And then it has its own stresses, too. One IP I did provided a rest that I desperately needed. The other 2 were a waste of time/somewhat traumatic.

I'm all for calling your pdoc (if you haven't already). I've found that when my mind is turning to go and turning to stay to an extreme, a med intervention can be truly helpful.

Keep us posted.
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Old 01-13-2021, 09:10 PM   #7
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Default Re: Falling apart? How to manage until Friday?

It sounds like things are very stressful. Regarding taking the Ativan, sometimes one needs the break from the wheel of spinning thoughts to figure out where to run to. Slowing things down can be a kindness we give ourselves.
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Old 01-13-2021, 09:48 PM   #8
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Default Re: Falling apart? How to manage until Friday?

So sorry, coolibrarian. I completely understand! I'm offered triggered by work (in fact, only there, really). I have CPTSD. Consequently, I've read and thought a lot about work-related stress / bullying at work, and so on.

I really think you are being bullied at work!

You show all the signs! I'm so sorry. It's absolutely awful, the effect is has on one's mental health and family.

The good thing is, as soon as you are able to name the thing for what it is, everything makes sense.

These are the first two items of advice on this subject on MIND's website:

1. Review your job description. Is your manager making unreasonable requests, or being unclear about what they expect? Make sure you understand what your role is and what it should involve.

2. Communicate your concerns. Request a one-to-one meeting with your manager to discuss how you feel and what would help you. If you don't feel comfortable meeting your manager alone, ask to bring a colleague or to record your meeting.

You don't have to do those things, coolibrarian! And the list is just scratching the surface of the subject, but they already start to show the key points, which are that your manager is making it impossible for you to do your job. She has an obligation to protect your well-being, physical and mental!

Basically, you are trying extremely hard to carry out your tasks to the very best of your ability! And she's making it literally impossible for you to succeed.

This is why you're bursting into tears. It's because you don't know what to do!

Ignore the redundancy / funding / relocation issues higher up. Those are just excuses.

And if there are things you need to learn, or areas you feel uncertain, that should never make you feel like a piece of crap! It should be seen as a training opportunity.

Take care!
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Old 01-14-2021, 12:10 PM   #9
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Default Re: Falling apart? How to manage until Friday?

I actually had a meeting with my supervisor this morning. It went okay. I told her some things she hadn't known and was surprised to hear.
My wife seems to think I am less depressed than I was yesterday. It's true that at this moment I don't feel like hiding, but I am still unmotivated, overwhelmed, tired, sad, and yes, I am still depressed. I think, too, my anxiety is lower than it was yesterday. But I will still keep my appointment with T on Friday. Thanks for all your help. --Cool
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Old 01-14-2021, 12:41 PM   #10
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I'm absolutely delighted that you're feeling a little better
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