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Taylor27
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Unhappy Jan 14, 2021 at 03:04 PM
  #1
Next month will be 8 years since I lost my Grandpa he lived with me from the age of 15 to 16. Not a very nice man very abusive towards me. I still have yet to properly let go. Every year I get so overwhelmed with guilt, anger. The feelings seem to last for a few months every year. I just know this year the emotions are overwhelming and im shutting down emotionally if I feel emotions im afraid it will destroy me. I would like to some how work through this and not keep shutting down like I have been every year.


I feel stuck im in grief and im processing trauma. How can I work with my therapist to not feel overwhelmed?
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Default Jan 14, 2021 at 03:24 PM
  #2
I did some work with my therapist a few years ago around exploring ideas and images of
Possible trigger:

Last edited by comrademoomoo; Jan 14, 2021 at 03:52 PM..
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Default Jan 14, 2021 at 03:33 PM
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I did some work with my therapist a few years ago around exploring ideas and images of ***trigger*** murdering my mother. It involved using creative writing to dig into (and in some ways revel in) one of my dark sides. It's a bit of a niche approach maybe, but I found it very useful. I discovered that I didn't wish her any pain, but rather that I have a deep desire for her to cease to exist, quietly and indefinitely. ***trigger***

I don't wish any harm towards my Grandpa, but the anger inside of me has to come out some way other then keeping it inside and ruining my present life. Thank you for posting this as this might help me i love to write, i journal daily.
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Default Jan 14, 2021 at 03:56 PM
  #4
Yes, it was useful for me to explore the difference between wanting to harm and wanting an abuser to be non existent. I can't yet express my anger towards my mother, but I can wish for her to not be.

It's strange to refer to her as "my mother". I usually only use her first name, but it feels too exposing to do so here. I am saying this to distance myself from the daughter-mother relationship, although that is how I am describing her here.

Last edited by comrademoomoo; Jan 14, 2021 at 04:09 PM..
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Default Jan 14, 2021 at 04:08 PM
  #5
Also, you might find it useful to explore the difference between guilt (a feeling borne out of something you have done) and shame (a feeling borne out of a belief that you are fundamentally flawed). For example, I might feel guilty about shoplifting, but shame drives me to believe that I am unlovable. With that in mind, is the guilt or shame yours to hold or is it your abusive grandfather's? I find these questions easy to answer, but very hard to hold onto the answers. The shame is my mother's, not mine, but I have absorbed it.
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Default Jan 14, 2021 at 04:22 PM
  #6
I agree with comrademoomoo about the shame and guilt differences. For a long time I felt guilty. But that was actually the wrong feeling. I was feeling shame. I felt bad. Worthless. Undeserving of good things or of love. Once I got these feelings sorted out and realized one set of feelings was coming from my childhood and was no longer serviceable or accurate, I was able to start changing my perceptions about myself. I still have times when I feel bad. Or worthless. Or undeserving. But far less than I used to. And I rarely feel guilty anymore except when I overshare! For me, it also took, not just my T, but friends to come alongside me and show me my worth. I had to let them in. They were able to touch areas of my pain that I didn't know were there.

As for expressing anger and guilt....writing like you said is a good way. Also anything creative like painting or drawing. When I get angry I play basketball or throw a baseball against a brick wall as hard as I can for as many times as I can. The anger melts away. I don't know if that is true expression. But it is managing it and not pushing it down or pushing it away. Guilt is a bit harder for me to express I think. Usually writing helps me.


I hope this time won't be as painful for you or overwhelming as usual. I hope you can let your T in and let your T know what is going on so that the T can help you process these feelings.


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Default Jan 14, 2021 at 04:41 PM
  #7
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I agree with comrademoomoo about the shame and guilt differences. For a long time I felt guilty. But that was actually the wrong feeling. I was feeling shame. I felt bad. Worthless. Undeserving of good things or of love. Once I got these feelings sorted out and realized one set of feelings was coming from my childhood and was no longer serviceable or accurate, I was able to start changing my perceptions about myself. I still have times when I feel bad. Or worthless. Or undeserving. But far less than I used to. And I rarely feel guilty anymore except when I overshare! For me, it also took, not just my T, but friends to come alongside me and show me my worth. I had to let them in. They were able to touch areas of my pain that I didn't know were there.

As for expressing anger and guilt....writing like you said is a good way. Also anything creative like painting or drawing. When I get angry I play basketball or throw a baseball against a brick wall as hard as I can for as many times as I can. The anger melts away. I don't know if that is true expression. But it is managing it and not pushing it down or pushing it away. Guilt is a bit harder for me to express I think. Usually writing helps me.


I hope this time won't be as painful for you or overwhelming as usual. I hope you can let your T in and let your T know what is going on so that the T can help you process these feelings.

HUGS Kit

Thank you it really helps to be given some ideas on how to express the guilt I have. I know that for many years I believed it was my fault that Grandpa passed away. I know that I can't be that powerful. I also self punish myself allot with some negative beliefs about myself. I find that the more I write on here and talk to my therapist i am becoming less confused. I think it's going to be very painful however I believe that I am stronger to work through this.
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Default Jan 14, 2021 at 07:34 PM
  #8
So sorry, Cheryl27
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Default Jan 15, 2021 at 08:07 AM
  #9
I didn't sleep well last night. I am trying to keep it all together so that my husband wont worry about me.
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Default Jan 15, 2021 at 08:28 AM
  #10
Complex grief is so complicated. It sounds (in my experience but non professional experience) like the anniversary of your grandfather's death triggers thr trauma you endured. What has been helping me a bit to process my complex grief is to allow myself to feel the grief when it arises. To try and avoid and stuff the emotions prolongs the pain. As I have been workingwith my T who specializes in trauma gradually it has been getting better. It has been a long painful process for me. Be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself during it all. Hugs

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