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Default Jan 16, 2021 at 09:39 PM
  #1
L and I had a huge rupture Monday night/Tuesday. It happened to be a miscommunication, but what I went through was real. I thought she lied to me about something very meaningful. I instantly lost all my trust in her. The only reason I went to Tuesday's session was because I promised I would always have at least one closure session with her. But in my mind we were over.
Possible trigger:
I didn't bring my dog or the project I spent working on while she was on vacation. We were done. She explained herself Tuesday that she miscommunicated, that what she was talking about had to do with her past and nothing to do with our present or future. (Just now I'm questioning if that was a lie to just settle me down?)

Anyways, we had a double session Tuesday and seemed to work it out, but I felt exhausted and fragile. Friday's session we focused on the project and just being together. If felt good, but I still felt uneasy, uncomfortable, sensitive, and fragile. Now it's Saturday night, and I still am feeling theses things.

If you ever recovered from a rupture with your T, how long did it take for things to feel back to normal? L says we'll be stronger for this. Right now, I feel super weak and beaten up. How do I get past this even if it was all a miscommunication?

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Default Jan 16, 2021 at 10:44 PM
  #2
Dear ScarletPimpernel,

I am so very sorry that happened to you. Things like that can be so distressing and stressful. I wish I knew something that would be helpful to you, but sadly I don't. Sometimes the passage of time can take care of these things. And sometimes not. I think your feelings are very understandable in the circumstances and sure hope things will work out for the best. So sorry I could not be helpful to you in this. Perhaps others here will see and read your post and have better words for you than my poor words!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Default Jan 17, 2021 at 09:01 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel View Post
L and I had a huge rupture Monday night/Tuesday. It happened to be a miscommunication, but what I went through was real. I thought she lied to me about something very meaningful. I instantly lost all my trust in her. The only reason I went to Tuesday's session was because I promised I would always have at least one closure session with her. But in my mind we were over.
Possible trigger:
I didn't bring my dog or the project I spent working on while she was on vacation. We were done. She explained herself Tuesday that she miscommunicated, that what she was talking about had to do with her past and nothing to do with our present or future. (Just now I'm questioning if that was a lie to just settle me down?)

Anyways, we had a double session Tuesday and seemed to work it out, but I felt exhausted and fragile. Friday's session we focused on the project and just being together. If felt good, but I still felt uneasy, uncomfortable, sensitive, and fragile. Now it's Saturday night, and I still am feeling theses things.

If you ever recovered from a rupture with your T, how long did it take for things to feel back to normal? L says we'll be stronger for this. Right now, I feel super weak and beaten up. How do I get past this even if it was all a miscommunication?
Miscommunications happen . . . in every relationship . . without fail.

Here's what works to calm me down and get back to a place of internal safety.
1. I do a reality check, reminding myself that perception isn't always the reality.
2. I forgive. Even if no one really did anything wrong in reality, it felt wrong. I forgive them; I forgive myself for being a reactive human.
3. I take a few deep breaths and consciously and deliberately CHOOSE to move forward instead of going back to it over and over.
4. I move forward.
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Default Jan 17, 2021 at 09:25 AM
  #4
I've only had two or three major ruptures where I still felt different about my T after a week or so. But those times, it helped me to talk to my T about it. In your situation I'd probably say how I don't feel comfortable anymore since then, maybe also thinking about things such as that she might have just lied.

Also, I'd try to do something nice for myself until I could call my T (unless there's a major emergency I'm only allowed to call him Wednesday and see him Friday). Even if it's just having a cup of tea before bed or going for a short walk.
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Default Jan 17, 2021 at 09:45 AM
  #5
I'm sorry you had to go through this. You have been really brave to open up to L and try to work through some attachment stuff. It's so hard when you hit bumps with her and feel activated by them.

It sounds like you have worked through the issue with her, which has been the most important part of navigating ruptures, in my experience. As for how long it takes to get over it, it has really varied from hours to months for me. There is just no way to know. It sounds like you are willing to try to trust again, so you may start to feel better gradually as that trust starts to rebuild again. This is especially something to observe and talk about when you're with L. (How do you feel? What are you sensing from her? Is something from your past being activated that might not 100% have to do with L and the current situation?)

When I feel fragile and exhausted and just generally emotionally yucky outside of session, I try to focus on pleasant distractions and soothing sensory things. The distractions help keep my brain occupied until I am in a place where I can use my wise mind again, and the sensory stuff helps my body know that I'm safe and can relax, which helps my whole system feel calmer. I know you like crocheting/crafting, so maybe start a new project? And then try warm, cozy clothes, a hot shower, a nice candle, relaxing music, a blanket, or whatever is pleasing to your particular senses. I hope it gets easier! You're clearly working very hard.
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Default Jan 17, 2021 at 10:34 AM
  #6
What makes it a rupture if it was just miscommunication you were upset about? Maybe I don't really get a concept of rupture as I never really had one.

But yes, you have gotten good advice already. Talk what bothers you and the move on.
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Default Jan 17, 2021 at 10:51 AM
  #7
Hugs, Scarlet, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I've dealt with ruptures with ex-MC and current T (and I guess one or two with ex-T). So I know they can be incredibly painful.


I think the best thing you can do is continue talking about it with L. Don't think, "Oh, I've talked about this too much, she's probably sick of it, I should just let it go." Talk about it as much and as long as you need to. With Dr. T, the first major rupture (about the stone), I was still bringing it up periodically months later. Because I realized it was still affecting me in some way. With the second major rupture, I think it helped me to leave for a couple weeks and see someone else, as that both gave me another perspective but also made me realize how much I did trust Dr. T. That I didn't want to be seeing this new person, I wanted to be seeing Dr. T (I cried the whole way to my second session with the new T because I wanted to be seeing Dr. T instead).

It's probably going to take some time to feel you can really trust her again. But you and L have a very strong relationship. I think you'll be able to work through it. And I do think working through a rupture can make a relationship stronger--I think it has with Dr. T, though it took some time. Now I have more faith that we can work through things that come up. And we had a minor rupture in October, but worked through it quickly. At the time, he told me to talk about it as much as I needed to. He's not generally into spending too much time on therapeutic relationship stuff, but he said he knew this was important and to not worry that he'd be tired of talking about it.


I don't know the exact nature of what happened with L, but is there something she could say or do that might make you feel more secure in the relationship? If so, I'd tell her that. If you're not sure what you need, tell her that, too. It may just take some time. In the meantime, maybe it would help to loo back on ways she's shown herself to be really supportive and trustworthy in the past? Like emails, session writeups, things like that? I really hope you're able to work things out.
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Default Jan 17, 2021 at 12:23 PM
  #8
Sorry you went through such an upsetting situation. It sounds like you were splitting on L, and I understand that must have been really painful. I don't experience splitting myself, but there are certain areas that are very sensitive for me and I am at risk for cognitive distortions and emotional dysregulation when those buttons are pushed. Even when something is a cognitive distortion, I realize that it feels real and the resulting distress is real - so I'm definitely not trying to minimize your feelings when I talk about cognitive distortions and dysregulation. What I personally find helpful is to identify the belief(s) that an event has triggered then look at the evidence for and against that belief. For example, I sometimes start thinking the therapist doesn't care about me. It helps to remind myself of all the things she has done that are inconsistent with that belief.

I realize it sounds a bit like I'm suggesting some sort of CBT thing (I actually don't have a very positive opinion of CBT), but I haven't actually received CBT and this method is just something I started doing naturally to soothe myself. I think DBT might have a skill called "checking the facts" that may be similar, but not 100% on that. Anyway, this strategy helps me slow down Mr. Toad's Wild Ride (aka my emotional reaction). The idea is not to discount the emotions, but to check the beliefs for flaws and weaknesses. Sometimes a belief is justified - it's important not to enter the analysis with the intention of gaslighting yourself. But lots of times (for me, at least), there are factors warranting consideration that are easily overlooked in the heat of the moment.

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Default Jan 17, 2021 at 04:12 PM
  #9
It sounds like she responded well to your reaction and it's good that you were honest with her. I think it takes a little time to 'get back' and trust again but it sounds like you're on your way.i also think it's helpful to look at past relationship patterns and see if there are any similarities and differences. Ruptures can be helpful because the therapist's response to them and the relationship surviving them, will hopefully help to change internal patterns and help to heal old wounds.

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Default Jan 17, 2021 at 05:55 PM
  #10
Seems normal to me that you're shaken after something so intense. At least I know I would be - the possibility of being lied to or manipulated is a big fear of mine so once the possibility comes up I ... umm, I'm really crap at handling that sort of situation, so it's hard to say anything at all about this topic, but ... if your T is as open to discussing it and as accommodating of your needs as it sounds like, I think continuing to be upfront about your concerns might just lead to recovery, even if it takes time.
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Default Jan 17, 2021 at 09:21 PM
  #11
L and I have been talking (through email). She really seems to understand. She used the metaphor of a boat being our relationship. I thought there was a hole in our boat, and I thought we were going to sink. I really felt like it was happening in the moment. But it turns out that it wasn't a hole. Now that my fears have been activated, I'm desperately searching for anymore holes. I won't feel comfortable sailing in that boat until I sincerely know there are no holes. She says that will take reassurances, sleep (I haven't been sleeping well), consistency, repetition of memories, and time.

We also talked about how it seems like she's just telling me a "pretty story" to make me feel better. She says she did not feel manipulated by me and that she understands honesty above all else, even comfort.

She said we will go over this as many times as I need to. Like a wound that needs to be re-bandaged. We will listen to what the wound needs at each stage and meet those needs until it's healed.

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Default Jan 17, 2021 at 09:23 PM
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Originally Posted by ChickenNoodleSoup View Post
I've only had two or three major ruptures where I still felt different about my T after a week or so. But those times, it helped me to talk to my T about it. In your situation I'd probably say how I don't feel comfortable anymore since then, maybe also thinking about things such as that she might have just lied.

Also, I'd try to do something nice for myself until I could call my T (unless there's a major emergency I'm only allowed to call him Wednesday and see him Friday). Even if it's just having a cup of tea before bed or going for a short walk.
I've been trying to be gentle with myself letting myself sleep or eat or cuddle when I need to. I've been trying to keep up with routines and hygiene too.

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Default Jan 17, 2021 at 09:31 PM
  #13
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Originally Posted by ElectricManatee View Post
I'm sorry you had to go through this. You have been really brave to open up to L and try to work through some attachment stuff. It's so hard when you hit bumps with her and feel activated by them.

It sounds like you have worked through the issue with her, which has been the most important part of navigating ruptures, in my experience. As for how long it takes to get over it, it has really varied from hours to months for me. There is just no way to know. It sounds like you are willing to try to trust again, so you may start to feel better gradually as that trust starts to rebuild again. This is especially something to observe and talk about when you're with L. (How do you feel? What are you sensing from her? Is something from your past being activated that might not 100% have to do with L and the current situation?)

When I feel fragile and exhausted and just generally emotionally yucky outside of session, I try to focus on pleasant distractions and soothing sensory things. The distractions help keep my brain occupied until I am in a place where I can use my wise mind again, and the sensory stuff helps my body know that I'm safe and can relax, which helps my whole system feel calmer. I know you like crocheting/crafting, so maybe start a new project? And then try warm, cozy clothes, a hot shower, a nice candle, relaxing music, a blanket, or whatever is pleasing to your particular senses. I hope it gets easier! You're clearly working very hard.
I think we have worked through the issue/misunderstanding. It's just the aftereffects of going through the trauma (as L says). She says it's hard when the trauma come up and coincides with a misunderstanding in our relationship. It almost blurs the two.

Thanks for the suggestions! I took your advice and ordered a bunch of yarn to make full size blankets for my nieces. They have baby size ones which they are using now for their dolls. It will make great Christmas presents!

I also have been cuddling with L's blanket. It helps me feel like she's there. I do need her, and want her, and the misunderstanding just wrecked havoc on me.

We're going to do a phone call tomorrow morning so that I can check-in and hear her voice with reassurances.

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Default Jan 17, 2021 at 09:43 PM
  #14
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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
Hugs, Scarlet, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I've dealt with ruptures with ex-MC and current T (and I guess one or two with ex-T). So I know they can be incredibly painful.


I think the best thing you can do is continue talking about it with L. Don't think, "Oh, I've talked about this too much, she's probably sick of it, I should just let it go." Talk about it as much and as long as you need to. With Dr. T, the first major rupture (about the stone), I was still bringing it up periodically months later. Because I realized it was still affecting me in some way. With the second major rupture, I think it helped me to leave for a couple weeks and see someone else, as that both gave me another perspective but also made me realize how much I did trust Dr. T. That I didn't want to be seeing this new person, I wanted to be seeing Dr. T (I cried the whole way to my second session with the new T because I wanted to be seeing Dr. T instead).

It's probably going to take some time to feel you can really trust her again. But you and L have a very strong relationship. I think you'll be able to work through it. And I do think working through a rupture can make a relationship stronger--I think it has with Dr. T, though it took some time. Now I have more faith that we can work through things that come up. And we had a minor rupture in October, but worked through it quickly. At the time, he told me to talk about it as much as I needed to. He's not generally into spending too much time on therapeutic relationship stuff, but he said he knew this was important and to not worry that he'd be tired of talking about it.


I don't know the exact nature of what happened with L, but is there something she could say or do that might make you feel more secure in the relationship? If so, I'd tell her that. If you're not sure what you need, tell her that, too. It may just take some time. In the meantime, maybe it would help to loo back on ways she's shown herself to be really supportive and trustworthy in the past? Like emails, session writeups, things like that? I really hope you're able to work things out.
I do think/hope we will be able to work through this. It's settling more with me that it was my own issues that got triggered. L does say she takes responsibility for her steps in the "dance". She reminded me of other ruptures that we've made it through and how they've always taught us something valuable about my needs, pain, history, etc. I think what she said about it being a misunderstanding with her mixed with extreme pain from my past, does have truth. Our history shows she's been consistent, reliable, honest. I think I'm just still triggered.

I've been asking her for different reassurances: does she resent me, did she feel manipulated, does she regret anything she's done for me, etc. We're going to go over our memories of Tuesday's double session, and memories of our relationship. I think I need to more reassurances about what I thought she lied about, to know that it truly was a misunderstanding.

P.S. I'm only not posting what the supposed lie is because I feel that certain people won't understand and might even criticize me. It's about touch and I know that can be a polarizing topic here.

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Default Jan 17, 2021 at 09:59 PM
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Sorry you went through such an upsetting situation. It sounds like you were splitting on L, and I understand that must have been really painful. I don't experience splitting myself, but there are certain areas that are very sensitive for me and I am at risk for cognitive distortions and emotional dysregulation when those buttons are pushed. Even when something is a cognitive distortion, I realize that it feels real and the resulting distress is real - so I'm definitely not trying to minimize your feelings when I talk about cognitive distortions and dysregulation. What I personally find helpful is to identify the belief(s) that an event has triggered then look at the evidence for and against that belief. For example, I sometimes start thinking the therapist doesn't care about me. It helps to remind myself of all the things she has done that are inconsistent with that belief.

I realize it sounds a bit like I'm suggesting some sort of CBT thing (I actually don't have a very positive opinion of CBT), but I haven't actually received CBT and this method is just something I started doing naturally to soothe myself. I think DBT might have a skill called "checking the facts" that may be similar, but not 100% on that. Anyway, this strategy helps me slow down Mr. Toad's Wild Ride (aka my emotional reaction). The idea is not to discount the emotions, but to check the beliefs for flaws and weaknesses. Sometimes a belief is justified - it's important not to enter the analysis with the intention of gaslighting yourself. But lots of times (for me, at least), there are factors warranting consideration that are easily overlooked in the heat of the moment.
Yes! I was/am definitely splitting L. I think you're right about checking the facts. I think that's why L wants to go over memories with me. I already have memory issues, so during a crisis, it's harder for me to hold onto facts.

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Default Jan 17, 2021 at 10:03 PM
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Seems normal to me that you're shaken after something so intense. At least I know I would be - the possibility of being lied to or manipulated is a big fear of mine so once the possibility comes up I ... umm, I'm really crap at handling that sort of situation, so it's hard to say anything at all about this topic, but ... if your T is as open to discussing it and as accommodating of your needs as it sounds like, I think continuing to be upfront about your concerns might just lead to recovery, even if it takes time.
I'm definitely going to keep trying to work through this with L. My two goals this year in therapy is to be more direct and more accepting of imperfections. Those are very hard for me, but I think they will be helpful in multiple situations including with L.

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Default Jan 21, 2021 at 04:43 AM
  #17
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Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel View Post
L and I have been talking (through email). She really seems to understand. She used the metaphor of a boat being our relationship. I thought there was a hole in our boat, and I thought we were going to sink. I really felt like it was happening in the moment. But it turns out that it wasn't a hole. Now that my fears have been activated, I'm desperately searching for anymore holes. I won't feel comfortable sailing in that boat until I sincerely know there are no holes. She says that will take reassurances, sleep (I haven't been sleeping well), consistency, repetition of memories, and time.

We also talked about how it seems like she's just telling me a "pretty story" to make me feel better. She says she did not feel manipulated by me and that she understands honesty above all else, even comfort.

She said we will go over this as many times as I need to. Like a wound that needs to be re-bandaged. We will listen to what the wound needs at each stage and meet those needs until it's healed.
Your T sounds awesome. I hope it continues to go well. I love both the boat analogy and the bit about caring for wounds. ExT's approach was more like explaining that the whole reason it hurts is that there was already an old wound there, and leaving me largely to my own devices when it came to actually cleaning up the mess Combined with input from my own T (recently we started discussing trauma in general, some of my traumatic experiences and how they were, or weren't handled in previous therapy), this is a massive dose of validation that I didn't even realise how much I needed.
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Default Jan 21, 2021 at 06:27 AM
  #18
L and I had session yesterday. We talked more about me thinking she lied. I had realized in her email from the other Monday, she said she didn't know what type of touch I was talking about. She said to her, it was like she was in a dark, but not scary, basement. She only had a flashlight and so she couldn't see the whole room, and she didn't want to bump into or miss something. I decided to directly tell her what I was talking about. Being direct is my goal for this year and I didn't want to waste time making her guess. I told her I'd turn on the basement light for her. Once I told her, she said she felt much better and finally understood the whole picture. I asked her if the basement was now scary, and she reassured me that it definitely was not.

I think we are finally on the same page. I think I logically trust her again, but emotionally I feel beaten up still. I'm glad she says she didn't lie, that she's open and flexible, and that she now understands the whole situation. She says she can totally see how I thought she lied, and reassured me that she wouldn't lie to me, not even a white lie. I'm very happy I went to my session that Tuesday and that we were able to work it out. I don't know what I'd do without her.

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Default Jan 21, 2021 at 01:16 PM
  #19
I'm so glad your rupture got resolved! I know you still feel beaten up and that might take a while to subside. But from what you said, it sounded like L handled it very well, very professionally, and was very attentive to your needs. I'm glad you had a good session.

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LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel, Taylor27
Taylor27
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Default Jan 22, 2021 at 02:58 PM
  #20
I am so glad everything worked out between you and your therapist. I am so glad you have a really good therapist who is able to work through a rupture and help you through it too. I hope you feel better soon. Therapy ruptures are very tiring and stressful. I hope it's all good now and that you will have good sessions like yesturday from now on. I also think your therapist is awesome in how she handled everything. Hugs
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