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Mystical_Being
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Default Jan 18, 2021 at 02:17 PM
  #1
What do you do when a therapist sets firm boundaries to begin with and then goes back on them and offers more and then when they realize there mistake they tighten them up again and make additional boundary changes because it was to much for them and they don't understand why a client would feel unsafe and loose trust with them because of it and refuse to talk about it any further?

How do you know when to walk away or keep going?
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Default Jan 18, 2021 at 02:29 PM
  #2
This happened to me, and I have to say I have never got over it. I always think about how it used to be and how open he seemed and involved and how much better I felt then. I was genuinely healing and finding the relationship helpful. I applied for uni, left my ****** job, started volunteering... And then one day he just shut it down completely and it's been pretty businesslike ever since. Now I have another ****** job, I didn't get into uni and I don't want to try again, and I quit volunteering when the rupture happened. I felt abandoned.

Actually there have been glimpses of how it used to be, very occasionally, but then it stops again. It's awful.

We talked about it a lot, he just says the same thing over and over..he had to tighten boundaries, he gave too much of himself away before etc. I don't bring it up in sessions anymore. I should leave but I don't think I can start all over again after 5 years.
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Default Jan 18, 2021 at 02:59 PM
  #3
I would tell them how their inconsistency hurt me.

IF they were a good, effective, T with whom I had a good rapport and we did good work together I would stay. They are human, they make mistakes.

From your post I am not sure who is the one who doesn't want to talk about it. If it is T, I would leave as that is not the mark of a good T.
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Default Jan 18, 2021 at 03:07 PM
  #4
When a therapist changes his/her style so drastically I figure they have talked something(s) over with their own therapist or supervisor and received indications to change the way they conduct therapy.

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Default Jan 18, 2021 at 03:11 PM
  #5
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. This happened to me with my former marriage counselor. I had strong transference for him (mostly paternal), and he let me meet with just him a couple times (with my husband's permission), then said his door was always open to meeting with me (solo), then a few months later, when I requested another session with him, he said no. We were able to work through that rupture. In the meantime, he was allowing me to email, text, and also have occasional phone calls, sometimes lasting up to 45 minutes with him (by myself), at no charge.


Then, a couple years after that rupture, I sent him this email saying I loved him. I didn't mean it in a romantic way, but he took it that way. He said it was OK, but that it was a big deal, that it's something I needed to talk about it more with him or with my individual T. When I asked to talk about it with him (in a phone call), he rejected it. I called him on it over text. He then called me, and we had a very difficult conversation where he was very harsh to me, said he needed to draw more clear boundaries, and said I needed to reduce contact. It was incredibly painful for me (see: strong transference). We tried to talk about it in session (with my husband), but it didn't help. I wanted to talk on another phone call, bu the refused to be on one with me where my husband wasn't there (a big shift in boundaries).

I tried to make it work, with us seeing him periodically for a couple more months. But I came to realize I could no longer trust him. Particularly because he'd said before that he'd never reject me (I have abandonment fears) and that he'd always said any feelings were OK (clearly, expressing "I love you" wasn't). And he kept saying he hadn't terminated us and didn't seem to get why I felt rejected/abandoned. So we ultimately terminated. Because I was unable to feel the trust again.

I don't know the specifics of your situation. But what jumps out at me from what you said is that your T refuses to talk about it more. That feels like a red flag to me. Even if your T doesn't understand, they should be willing to keep talking about it with you until you work it out (or realize it's unfixable). Could you try seeing another therapist for a bit, whether to consult with them about what happened with your T to help you decide or to consider working with them instead?
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Default Jan 18, 2021 at 08:22 PM
  #6
Can I DM someone more about it?
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Default Jan 18, 2021 at 08:48 PM
  #7
I would stop after that. The argument that therapists are human and so should be allowed to run roughshod over a client who is PAYING them for a service is not one I have believed made sense. You don't let an md get away with cutting out the wrong kidney because she is just human and makes mistakes. Therapists want to hold themselves out as special and part of the western medical machinery = they get held accountable

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Default Jan 18, 2021 at 10:26 PM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostislost View Post
This happened to me, and I have to say I have never got over it. I always think about how it used to be and how open he seemed and involved and how much better I felt then. I was genuinely healing and finding the relationship helpful. I applied for uni, left my ****** job, started volunteering... And then one day he just shut it down completely and it's been pretty businesslike ever since. Now I have another ****** job, I didn't get into uni and I don't want to try again, and I quit volunteering when the rupture happened. I felt abandoned.

Actually there have been glimpses of how it used to be, very occasionally, but then it stops again. It's awful.

We talked about it a lot, he just says the same thing over and over..he had to tighten boundaries, he gave too much of himself away before etc. I don't bring it up in sessions anymore. I should leave but I don't think I can start all over again after 5 years.

I am so sorry, that sounds so painful. This isn’t the first therapist I have had this happen with and it seems common on this site. You have a lot of courage to stay after all that. How do you go on in your sessions with how much it bugs you and not bringing it up?
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Default Jan 19, 2021 at 06:14 AM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mystical_Being View Post
I am so sorry, that sounds so painful. This isn’t the first therapist I have had this happen with and it seems common on this site. You have a lot of courage to stay after all that. How do you go on in your sessions with how much it bugs you and not bringing it up?
I don't know, I guess I am choosing to focus on myself instead of on his ways and failings? I know no one is perfect. I don't hate him. I try to think his loose boundaries weren't really about me (I wanted them to be though) and they were about him and something lacking in his life.

I just want to heal from all the trauma in my life. You are welcome to message me more about your experience if you feel like it.

Last edited by Lostislost; Jan 19, 2021 at 06:59 AM..
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Default Jan 19, 2021 at 05:12 PM
  #10
My therapist literally just put in boundaries regarding emails last week. I feel like our sessions have been kind of phoned in and generic so that’s why I think the emails throughout the week have been helpful. But I don’t want her to fire me and I don’t want to fire her even though that may be the best for my long term mental health.

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