advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
InkyBooky
Member
InkyBooky has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: U.S.
Posts: 152
5 yr Member
196 hugs
given
Default Jan 19, 2021 at 04:21 PM
  #1
Well, my worst nightmare just happened. My T of three years suddenly terminated me. We hadn't had any rupture that I know of. But she is totally done with me and ready to wash her hands of me. She says it was clear to her clinically that I need a different therapist. Now that I see her true colors I don't necessarily disagree, but the way she did it was devastating. No warning or discussion ....or any collaboration with me.

I was super attached to her. I have an abusive mother and my T was like a mother figure to me (even though we are same age). We are also both mothers ourselves and we really clicked in that way. She helped me a lot with my parenting. I thought she was such a good fit for me and I loved her so, so much.

Last week she said I was making progress and things seemed normal to me....and this week she dumped me with a list of referrals. I have been seeing her two or three times a week for the past two years and she is my main source of support. I have cptsd , MDD, and dissociation (background of emotional neglect/abuse, CSA, lost brother to suicide, etc.).

I'm trying to figure out what the hell went wrong. I work hard in therapy... never late or cancel. I am always respectful of her. I don't get angry or yell or lose my temper. I am rather shy and introverted. I do sometimes cry in session but no outbursts or anger. I do email her outside of session. She said that was okay (but now I wonder)?? And I have dealt with suicidal thoughts my whole life but I don't threaten suicide or even call her in crisis (I use a crisis line). You guys, was I too much for her? Did I do something wrong? She says it's not my fault...but it sure doesn't feel that way. She has a PhD and is a trauma specialist so this feels especially shocking coming from her.

I am just floored right now. I don't even know what to do or where to begin. I feel like the rug has been pulled straight out from under me and I'm literally just in shock. I will post more details later.

I would love some words of support and to hear your stories of how you got through something this. I just feel so alone and heartbroken and devastated. Thanks in advance.
InkyBooky is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, Anonymous47147, ArtieTheSequal, atisketatasket, chihirochild, elisewin, Favorite Jeans, here today, LonesomeTonight, Merope, Mountaindewed, Mystical_Being, NP_Complete, Out There, Polibeth, Purple,Violet,Blue, SalingerEsme, SlumberKitty, Taylor27, TeaVicar?, unaluna
 
Thanks for this!
SalingerEsme

advertisement
Mountaindewed
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Mountaindewed's Avatar
Mountaindewed NoahsArk30
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Where the sidewalk ends
Posts: 35,842 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
8,655 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 19, 2021 at 04:28 PM
  #2
She didn’t even give you a referral to another therapist? That is plain client abandonment.

__________________
Ridin' with Biden
Mountaindewed is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
InkyBooky, LonesomeTonight, SalingerEsme
comrademoomoo
Grand Poohbah
 
comrademoomoo's Avatar
comrademoomoo is losing at chess, winning at blundering
 
Member Since: Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
Posts: 1,698
5 yr Member PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 19, 2021 at 04:28 PM
  #3
Quote:
Did I do something wrong?
Others will be able to post more supportive contributions than I can, but the answer to this question is most definitely not. What you describe is extraordinarily painful for you, but it is no reflection on you as a person or as a client. This is all on her. I hope you can find something soothing.
comrademoomoo is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
InkyBooky, SalingerEsme, SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
Favorite Jeans, InkyBooky, LonesomeTonight, unaluna
InkyBooky
Member
InkyBooky has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: U.S.
Posts: 152
5 yr Member
196 hugs
given
Default Jan 19, 2021 at 04:41 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mountaindewed View Post
She didn’t even give you a referral to another therapist? That is plain client abandonment.
Yes she gave me referrals but it felt cold and like she didn't really care. She didnt even ask me what sort of therapist I would want to see or if I would prefer a man or woman. I was literally sobbing and shaking and she just sat there staring at me. It felt like she was just going through the motions and trying to CYA duing our session today. She was already gone and checked out. She kept saying "this is a planned termination". I was like...planned by who? I sure as heck didn't plan it or even know about it. She kept saying that though. Like... hey if anyone asks I'm not abandoning you. I planned this.
InkyBooky is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Favorite Jeans, LonesomeTonight, Mountaindewed, NP_Complete, SalingerEsme, SlumberKitty, Taylor27, unaluna
LonesomeTonight
Always in This Twilight
 
LonesomeTonight's Avatar
LonesomeTonight has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
74.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 19, 2021 at 04:50 PM
  #5
I'm so sorry--that's awful... Did she give any sort of further explanation? I wonder if you could request a session to further discuss termination? She should have discussed it with you and not made a unilateral decision like that, especially if it seemed like everything was going OK. If she felt you needed a different therapist, she should have discussed it with you and given you time to find a new therapist before she cut you off.

All that being said, the best way to handle losing a therapist, at least in my experience (not a unilateral termination, but a major rupture and changing of boundaries), is to process it with another therapist. I wouldn't necessarily go with the referrals she gave you, but those are a starting point. You're in the US, so I'd check the Psychology Today site for options to see if someone seems like they could be a good fit, then reach out to them. Many offer a free 15-minute phone call or in-person/virtual meeting to see if you're a good fit. If it were me, I'd let them know early on that you were suddenly terminated without warning and want to process that, along with other stuff in your therapy and make sure the other T would feel comfortable with that. If you feel that you'd want to continue at least twice a week, I'd check on whether they'd allow that, too.


I hope you can find someone quickly who can help you work through this and also give you support for the other stuff you're dealing with. My heart goes out to you...
LonesomeTonight is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
InkyBooky, SalingerEsme, SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
InkyBooky, NP_Complete, SalingerEsme
SlumberKitty
Legendary Wise Elder
 
SlumberKitty's Avatar
SlumberKitty is staying stable.
 
Member Since: Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
117.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 19, 2021 at 04:51 PM
  #6
I've not been in that situation before so I don't know the depth of your pain. I did have to say goodbye to a T after 10 years because she had MS and could no longer practice. But it's not the same. I cried and cried though.

I think give yourself a lot of time to recover from the shock. Tonight especially do something nice for yourself. Take a hot shower. Put on your favorite perfume and jammies and veg out in front of the TV watching your favorite show. For the next few days be extremely gentle with yourself. You might be prone to crying spells. I think that would be normal in these circumstances. If possible, let the tears flow.


I'm so sorry this happened to you. You didn't deserve it. It came out of left field and there was no warning. Try not to second guess yourself on what you could have or should have done different. This decision was all on her. Not you. I think there might be a tendency to blame yourself but try not to because you did nothing wrong but seek out help. She is the one who stopped giving it.


Yeah she did the perfunctionary give you three names sort of thing but she didn't make sure you were okay. And that's not okay. I'm sure your instincts on her trying to CYA is correct. She doesn't want to be sued for wrongful termination.


Only you will know whether you want to jump right in with a new T or take time to grieve the loss of this one. I hope you find some solace.


I'm sorry if my response wasn't the most helpful. I've not been in this situation so I am trying to imagine how I would feel---pretty crappy I can tell you that much. But I know you need as much time as you need.


HUGS Kit.

__________________
Dum Spiro Spero
IC XC NIKA
SlumberKitty is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
AliceKate, InkyBooky, SalingerEsme, Taylor27
 
Thanks for this!
InkyBooky, LonesomeTonight, SalingerEsme, Taylor27
InkyBooky
Member
InkyBooky has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: U.S.
Posts: 152
5 yr Member
196 hugs
given
Default Jan 19, 2021 at 05:20 PM
  #7
Thanks everyone, your posts are helpful.

She did offer to see me tomorrow but I declined. It was traumatizing to sit in front of my beloved T hoping for some support or compassion and yet have her also be the same person who was abandoning me. She was also saying things to me that felt very gaslighting. She kept saying that this is normal protocol in therapy and everyone changes therapist (even though she has never mentioned this before). Then she actually made a horrific analogy along the lines of: "you don't keep the same hairdresser your whole life." At that moment I knew I could never trust her again. She compared my healing journey to going to a hairdresser. She fully knows how abrupt and painful this would be for me (she knows my whole history of neglect and abandonment), yet she sat right there and minimized it, and made me question everything I thought I felt or knew. At that moment I knew that she no longer cared about me or had my best interest at heart.

I guess I'll have to process this with another therapist and I will probably need to continue my therapy journey as well. Part of me never wants to see another therapist again but I have to believe they wouldn't all behave this way. She was a kind and gentle therapist who encouraged my attachment... right up until the moment she dumped me. I feel duped and manipulated.

But I don't know if I can see someone new right away. I am still in shock and grief. I'm guessing this will take some time. I saw her two or three times a week so the attachment was very strong and her support was a crucial part of my life and my healing. Now she's gone and the support is gone. She will erase me from her memory and her schedule and move right along with some easier clients. I'm left holding the bag.
InkyBooky is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
chihirochild, Favorite Jeans, LonesomeTonight, Lostislost, Mystical_Being, NP_Complete, Out There, SalingerEsme, SlumberKitty, Taylor27
Rive.
Magnate
Rive. has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,002
10 yr Member PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 19, 2021 at 05:41 PM
  #8
Why was it clear to her that clinically you needed a different therapist if only the week before she said you were making progress?! She isn't making any sense and owes you an explanation.

I am sorry for her totally unprofessional behaviour and the pain this is causing.

No, you were not too much for her. Clearly, she was not enough for you. As for doing wrong - she did. IF a client does something wrong, a proficient T starts a discussion with the client. She is the one who did wrong by terminating you out of the blue.
Rive. is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SalingerEsme
 
Thanks for this!
ArtleyWilkins, comrademoomoo, InkyBooky, LonesomeTonight, NP_Complete, SalingerEsme, SlumberKitty, Taylor27
Taylor27
healing from trauma
 
Taylor27's Avatar
Taylor27 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Alberta
Posts: 30,425 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
24.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 19, 2021 at 06:28 PM
  #9
She was so wrong to terminate you like this. You did nothing wrong. Therapy is allot different then a hair dresser in that there is no comparison. I hope your new therapist will be a better one, it's hard when therapist terminates you and then start over with someone new. My first therapist who I looked up to as a mother figure terminated our therapy after 7 years. It took me along time to build trust again. Please be gentle with yourself and let yourself cry when you need to. It's okay to grieve and be angry too. I am so sorry she did that to you, it's her fault not yours
Taylor27 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
InkyBooky
 
Thanks for this!
InkyBooky, LonesomeTonight, SalingerEsme
ArtleyWilkins
Magnate
ArtleyWilkins has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 2,786
5 yr Member
7 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 19, 2021 at 07:08 PM
  #10
There came a point when I was not progressing - I was stuck - and at that point, my therapist opened up a dialogue about whether we should continue or not, BUT it was never a termination; it was a discussion. He explained his concerns. We discussed options. I ended up staying and eventually starting progressing again.

But that doesn't at all sound like what you therapist is doing. I can only imagine a therapist doing that if perhaps they felt your case/issues were beyond their scope of training and ability, or, if they felt continuation was going to imminently place a client in danger.

I would ask for clarification of exactly her reasoning for a sudden termination. I think that is owed to you so you at least know where she is coming from (even if you don't agree). I hope you'll consider going to that next appointment in order to, if nothing else, close some questions for you.

I'm so sorry this therapist handled this so unprofessionally. It is not your fault.
ArtleyWilkins is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
InkyBooky, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, Taylor27, zoiecat
zoiecat
Grand Member
 
zoiecat's Avatar
zoiecat has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 916
5 yr Member
409 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 19, 2021 at 07:16 PM
  #11
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I can understand how it hurtful and confusing it is to abruptly be terminated with no real reason. I know it would be difficult but if it were me I would have to go one more time just to find out the real reason for the termination. What is behind her logic and how were you not included in the conversaition. It would just be hard for me to process it without a clear explanation. That was really crappy of her. Good luck to you.
zoiecat is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
ArtleyWilkins, InkyBooky, LonesomeTonight, Mystical_Being, SalingerEsme, SlumberKitty, Taylor27
Salmon77
Poohbah
Salmon77 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2014
Location: PNW
Posts: 1,394
10 yr Member
106 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 20, 2021 at 12:44 PM
  #12
I don't have any advice, but this sounds absolutely awful, not how a termination should go at all, and not your fault.
Salmon77 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SlumberKitty, Taylor27
 
Thanks for this!
InkyBooky, LonesomeTonight, SalingerEsme, Taylor27
Mystical_Being
Member
Mystical_Being has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2017
Location: US
Posts: 79
5 yr Member
922 hugs
given
Default Jan 20, 2021 at 06:15 PM
  #13
I am so sorry this happened to you. I have had a therapist just disappear on me and not even make sure I was ok or with a new therapist. They were there one day and gone the next. The grief comes in waves and does get better but being patient and allowing myself to feel the feelings and do self-care has been very helpful to help me heal and try to move on. Also processing this with another therapist was key in my healing and moving on even if it was hard to trust the new therapist at first.

This was not your fault. A good, ethical therapist would have at least had a discussion with you and give you a couple of closure sessions if this is what she ultimately wanted to do. I don't think the majority of therapists know the amount of damage they cause. Try to be gentle with you. Sending gentle hugs if wanted.
Mystical_Being is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, Taylor27
 
Thanks for this!
InkyBooky, LonesomeTonight, SalingerEsme, SlumberKitty, Taylor27
*Beth*
catches the flowers
*Beth* is practicing healthy breathing for brain, mind, body, spirit.
 
Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
23.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 20, 2021 at 07:39 PM
  #14
What an awful experience.

I will be blunt, though.

As I see it there is 1 of 2 possibilities. Either the therapist is a real loser who should not be in practice, or there's some reason why she felt she could no longer work with you. Not something you did *wrong*, but that she somehow felt the therapy was no longer working between the two of you because you were stuck or...something. An example, my husband was working with a T years ago and the guy was really hard-core. He was extremely structured and expected my (very unstructured) husband to do homework between sessions. My husband never did the homework. So the T terminated him. He felt that he and my husband were a poor match.

Given that you're as stunned and hurt as you are I encourage 1 more session to get some closure (which yes, is SO important).

__________________




*Beth* is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
InkyBooky, SalingerEsme
Rive.
Magnate
Rive. has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,002
10 yr Member PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 21, 2021 at 12:16 PM
  #15
Obviously, it is your decision.. and I can only imagine how painful it is but the way I see it, she owes you an explanation.

Therapy and any termination (or referrals) are not unilateral decisions, which your T seems to have conveniently forgotten. She must have felt she was in over her head or couldn't deliver but that is *no* reason to abruptly kick a client out. This is not ethical.

She is also accountable to you as you were her client.
Rive. is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*, InkyBooky, LonesomeTonight, Mystical_Being, SalingerEsme
here today
Grand Magnate
here today has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 3,515
10 yr Member
1,429 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 24, 2021 at 02:13 PM
  #16
My last therapist suddenly terminated me, too, almost 6 years ago. She was a trauma specialist with a Ph.D., too. Fortunately I had an inperson support group and vented a lot here on PC and did NOT need to go back to another therapy. I did interview some other therapists and talked with some counselors for several sessions each but did not get back into anything very serious.

I do NOT trust any of them any more. I had been in therapy on and off for over 50 years, 20 years almost continuously after my late husband was diagnosed with a terminal disease. I had "believed" in therapy -- bad on me, but the profession does not do anything that I know of to stop that kind of thing. Except, maybe now, the sudden terminations. But for years and years and years they had encouraged people to "do the work" and stick with it. Nothing but sudden terminations now? And equating therapy to hairdressing?

Venting on this forum helped me a lot to process some of the underlying stuff and I now think I understand it, mostly -- but that still doesn't/hasn't helped me a lot to be a part of the world and get along with other people -- to be a real person so to speak. I'm still working on it, very late in my life, and don't know how much, if any, good can come from it, but what else to do? And I can probably recognize people that are potentially damaging to me now, like several therapists I have seen in the past. But I spent a horrlbly long time, and money, trying to get to this point with a lot of wrong turns and damages to me and other people along the way.

One positive, in a way, but it had it's horrible effects, too -- the termination triggered devastating abandonment and rejection feelings/experiences from my early life that I had numbed out or dissociated so deep I didn't remember them consciously. Despite the years and years of previous therapy.

When my therapist terminated me, she said that it was because she didn't "have the emotional resources" to continue. OK, maybe that's on her either personally or professionally, but it was very hard for me not to see that as I was "too much" for her. Which has been really devastating in its own right -- not just that it was maybe like what I must have felt in my early life. Reenactment, maybe -- but how to move on from that? I couldn't find anything in my state's ethics code that would cover anything, except maybe incompetence, but since I had been in and out therapy for so long and no other therapist had been "competent" for my situation either, it seemed unlikely the Ethics Board would be interested in anything I had to say.

I'm sorry you have had this experience, too -- but I feel it does help some to know that we are not alone. Best wishes to you.

Last edited by here today; Jan 24, 2021 at 02:38 PM..
here today is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
LonesomeTonight, Mystical_Being, SalingerEsme, SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
InkyBooky, LonesomeTonight, Quietmind 2, SalingerEsme
SalingerEsme
Grand Poohbah
 
SalingerEsme's Avatar
SalingerEsme has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: Neverland
Posts: 1,805
5 yr Member
4,957 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 26, 2021 at 09:46 AM
  #17
I'm so sorry your therapist made a sudden, irresponsible choice that hurt you deeply.

I personally think at times therapists use the notion of "self care" to let themselves off the hook for following through on commitments.

Your T should be in supervision on your case, and trying many things rather than breaking that bond.

In my opinion, therapists get away with this because so often, only two people know what goes on, the T and the client. There are no consequences for unprofessional behavior, unless it is draconian like sexual abuse.

I would like to see that change.

How about writing a few reviews for her that are emmintenly reasonable and truthful- two stars. I saw this therapist for years and trusted her. She compares seeing a therapist to seeing a hairdresser though, and does not take her responsibilities professionally or seriously enough etc. . .

__________________
Living things don’t all require/ light in the same degree. Louise Gluck

Last edited by SalingerEsme; Jan 26, 2021 at 09:49 AM.. Reason: spelling bloopers
SalingerEsme is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
here today, InkyBooky, LonesomeTonight, Quietmind 2
InkyBooky
Member
InkyBooky has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: U.S.
Posts: 152
5 yr Member
196 hugs
given
Default Feb 08, 2021 at 02:44 PM
  #18
I wanted to give you guys a follow-up on this situation. I truly appreciate everyone's comments, support, and suggestions. It was a messy couple of weeks but my T and I did meet again to discuss. And we've come to a compromise.

She was worried that I wasn't making progress with some specific issues that were ultimately limiting my ability to do trauma processing. She admitted that she handled the situation poorly (the timing and the way she "sprung" this on me was not great at all). She apologized.

I also had to come to terms with my own reaction...which involved hearing/seeing things entirely through the lens of my own attachment trauma, past abuse, etc. I was not really hearing what she was trying to say (which was that she cares a lot and wants to make sure I'm getting the best treatment). Instead, I was just hearing that I was "too much" and that she was abandoning me out of disgust and hatred.

Anyway, she and I have reduced our sessions but are still moving forward with our trauma processing therapy. I basically begged her to consider some different options (other than just referring me to someone else). She agreed we could try some things and reevaluate in the spring. So we've brought in another therapist for some more support around specific issues and just in general (my T won't admit it but I do think she was feeling overwhelmed).

PS- I didn't contact my T outside of session very often before, but now I try not to do it all. She didn't say that was an issue but I'm trying to be proactive. I think it's better for both of us.

We'll see how it goes
InkyBooky is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
ArtieTheSequal, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
Quietmind 2
Favorite Jeans
Grand Poohbah
 
Favorite Jeans's Avatar
Favorite Jeans has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2013
Location: In my head
Posts: 1,787
10 yr Member
1,819 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 08, 2021 at 03:29 PM
  #19
I’m basically speechless. I’ve rarely heard anything so unprofessional and just plain cruel. I’m so sorry this happened to you.

You didn’t do anything wrong. What she did was cruel. This wasn’t your fault. You could not have done anything differently. You’re allowed to cry in session and have suicidal thoughts and email if she said it was okay. That’s what clients do. She isn’t your hairdresser and her responsibility to you is way more profound than a hairdresser’s.

I hope you find a lot of comfort in your close people and a really good therapist to help you with this if you want one.
Favorite Jeans is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:16 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.