Ending well

I wonder if your t has in some way already disengaged from her therapist persona as she contemplates retirement ?

Wow, your T really dropped the ball there, Favorite Jeans.

It doesn't matter whether she understands from an intellectual standpoint (which it seems she was trying to do?) but what baffles me is that your pain was, and is, real. How could she not see that? That was the truth right there. And she didn't see it or validate it but chose to take it personally and made it about herself by getting defensive etc. She dropped the ball big time.

I can only imagine how painful that feels, especially with an ending in sight and wanting some resolution instead of leaving it as... unfinished and unresolved.

So we had another session that went somewhat better. She says that these last few weeks she’s been seeing a “part” of me that she hadn’t seen before. I will concede that such a thing is possible. The way I’ve expressed anger and hurt has probably been different from what she’s previously experienced. Irritable. Argumentative. Unyielding.

I asked her yesterday if we could not use parts language for the time being, that I’m still actually one integrated human and I’m not so fragile that I cannot consider my sometimes immature behaviours or reactions without speaking of myself in third person. I see the utility of Parts and have really leaned in to the notion, but, like, enough right now.

She said it seems like I’m constantly finding fault with her. (This might not be a perfect retelling. I don’t remember the exact sequence and I might be leaving out some details.) I said I was leery of fighting more.

We got into an entirely useless back and forth about whether she was only being different because I was being different. I felt saying we were saying,

“You started it!”

“No you started it!”

And I wanted to yell for mom because she was making me cry because she’s older and was rules-lawyering me and I was getting confused.

Finally I was able to point to something that had happened earlier in the session, where I was trying to explain something and she kind of ran off on a tangent explaining me to myself and getting it wrong.

“Hey remember when I said xyz?”

She affirmed that she remembered.

“Well normally you’d have said, ‘how do you feel about that?’ or ‘what’s that like for you?’ or some other open-ended invitation to talk more about it. But you didn’t. Because something has changed. I find it distressing because I don’t recognize you. So I might say something that you experience as obnoxious or argumentative.

And it was like after everything, something finally clicked I think. Her demeanour changed and I think she understood what I was trying to tell her. The session was over though, so a lot remains to be seen.

I was much calmer and clearer for having discussed with you guys here first. I’m really grateful to you. Thanks.

I wondered the same thing. I wonder if T us struggling as wellwith the transition so fumbling along the way

You said that was a bit of a better session, but it doesn’t sound great -only maybe the end? I see you said and felt negative things about yourself ‘my sometimes immature behaviours’ and ‘irritable, argumentative, unyielding’. Maybe you are infact being mature, assertive, articulate and insightful? I can identify with you not wanting to use parts language. I remember saying to my T ‘the child in me feels...’ in an attempt not to be confrontational, but I regretted it, feeling that it had taken away from what I was saying.

I look back at the last few weeks with my former T and I wish she had been more accepting and able to take a third party stance and look at what was happening between us with some humility and respect for me. Maybe your T needs that too.

That sounds painful, but promising.

Funny, more similarities to xT situation (sorry, can't help but see everything through that lens), the whole "you're constantly finding fault" and "no, you started it" thing, and also that you had kind of mirroring experiences here, in this case encountering a previously unseen side of one another.

Of course, she as a therapist can be reasonably expected not to freak out if the client shows a side she hasn't seen before, whereas you as the client can't. But apparently you got your point across in the end, so here's hoping that it'll stick!

Seeing it summed up like this, yes, this is probably a thing. xT experience again, large part of why our relationship was so rupturous was probably that she only just took over the position partway into my therapy when we met (at the day hospital place we met), in a setting unfamiliar to her, and there was a considerable degree of fumbling involved.

I guess, trained professionals they might be, but experience is a huge part of of their expertise, so out of ordinary situations like this might easily bring forth issues they're not as prepared to handle as their usual.

I am glad she finally seemed to 'get it' but a little frustrated that it took most of your session for her to get there.

It makes me think countertransference. There must be something going on with her.. Otherwise, why be so defensive and stubborn? It's like she is wearing blinders and too emotionally enmeshed to be the T she used to be.

Maybe she, too, is struggling with the ending and making a poor job of it. I guess it shows that she is human and messes up BUT that is not good enough, because of its/her impact on clients. Shame that some Ts stop getting supervision or regular consultation.

Duuuude.

I wrote her a letter at the start of this awful chapter in our relationship. Was it just last month? It may have been.

I told her exactly that it felt to me like she’d stopped doing her own work, that I actually noticed around when that had changed. I also asked WTF they learn at therapist school about countertransference.

She didn’t engage much with what I’d written. Which was frustrating to me.

YES!

That’s it.

I want to be angry and to be taken seriously as an adult. And if I express myself imperfectly a) I can take responsibility for it and b) I’M IN THERAPY so I shouldn’t have to weigh each effing word.

It probably would not be necessary to be so irritable, argumentative and unyielding if I felt that she were hearing me.

It also occurs to me that I could easily describe her as quite argumentative and unyielding and perhaps even somewhat irritable.

Oh boy, this is so crazy-making and painful, yet somehow so predictable (which makes me wonder why it isn't given its own prominence in T school).

Yeah, she's retiring, so now it's "shift into getting to where she thinks she should be at the end" mode. Except you're rightly who and where you are and not on her interior "who am I as a professional" timetable. This is so about her. That moment where you noted her choosing to not respond in an open-ended sort of way as was common between you is very telling. If she can hold onto that "lesson," it should be ok.

Another side of this I only fully appreciated for myself long after therapy ended: that when T failed me in some way--not seen or validated or mis-stepped and such--yes, it was a "breaking" on his part; but it also didn't ultimately matter because the pain didn't originate with him. It was in me. And there would be times in life when it would show itself again, and while not pleasant, it was OK. That there could be space for that pain to exist, and I didn't have to react or do anything about it at all. It will come and go--rarely, now--and I can decide what meaning it has or hasn't for me. And there's a lot of freedom in that. I hope you reach that place soon.

This is a helpful way to think about it. Sometimes I’m there and sometimes I’m not!

One really positive thing that has happened for me here is that I’ve let go of a lot of the shame and anxiety I had around therapy. I was always so anxious and uneasy about my attachment to her and now, I’m like, “well, there you have it, now it’s out there” and it’s been very freeing. I’ve gotten to a place where I respect and am grateful for the work we’ve done together.

Lately, I’ve been telling her that I don’t really like how she’s doing things. She’s pointing out that all this focus on how she does things really takes the attention away from my issues. And I’m like, “yeah but how you do things really impacts my experience and the way I talk about certain issues.”

We’ve gone in this circle a lot, last week with more levity and a kind of airiness than before and also an acknowledgement that we’re each doing our best. I realized that I am pretty confident in my conviction that she’s making a mistake and could handle this better, and that I can feel that way regardless of her opinion.

There is a kind of humanness in her reactivity, in her getting hooked into arguing with me. It is not exactly the kind of humanness I was hoping for. I was hoping she’d meet me voluntarily and let me know why she thought she was being so different in session. But since she won’t do that, I’ll work with what I’ve got which is: she’s imperfect but trying her best.

Her best has been pretty good for a long time and has helped me a lot. I wish things were different now. But this is what we have and I’m going to try to bring this somewhat mollified and more self-sufficient version of myself to the time we have left.

I realized that I am pretty confident in my conviction that she’s making a mistake and could handle this better, and that I can feel that way regardless of her opinion.

I think this may very well be something you look back on in hindsight as most valuable and self-validating. And I think that's actually the best ending; not the most warm-fuzzy feeling ending, but the kind that sticks and becomes better over time.