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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 01:56 PM
  #21
Okay, why does L have to be MORE dedicated to a time slot than you (scarlet) are? You were the one who vacated the spot, altho with the excuse that your h pushed you out of it. Why didnt L get mad and feel betrayed etc at THAT point, for YOU breaking the agreement? Why do you get a pass, and she gets the blame when the exact same thing happens the next week, but on the other foot? (Where the other client pushes her like your h pushed you) Its like a weird version of musical chairs. To paraphrase Tom Hanks, theres no betrayal in musical chairs.

Just seemed like a step was missing.
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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 02:06 PM
  #22
That hurts. And not very supportive.

I talked to L for months about our Friday slot, but she never talked to me about replacing me. How is that fair?

Besides, when I reduced with T, she never gave my spot away until I could handle every other week.

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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 02:15 PM
  #23
I'm not sure if this will help Scarlet, but I am trying to help so I hope you take it in that spirit.


T's are human. They can't see into the future. L didn't know that you would be vacating the spot for only one week. You guys had been talking for months about reducing so she probably thought you would be down that slot for a while. She had no way of knowing that your H would get a job and you would be able to resume your spot after just one week. Had L known that she wouldn't have given the spot away.

L has multiple clients all with needs and she's trying to fill them. Or help the clients fill them themselves rather. It isn't that you aren't important to her because you are. It's just that you aren't her only client. As much as we wish it weren't so, T's have multiple clients, but also they have the ability to care for multiple clients. It's like having pets. You don't stop loving one just because you get a new one. You love them both. And your love just grows and expands. That is how it is for T's.


I know you are hurting. This is why it is very important to go to the session and talk to T about it. You can do this. And we are all here for you. HUGS Kit

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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 02:44 PM
  #24
Let us know how the appointment goes, okay? HUGS Kit

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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 02:54 PM
  #25
I'm sorry you feel so hurt and betrayed. It sounds like she was actually very caring, flexible and accommodating in that she immediately got you back on her schedule for 2x per week (just not on same day as before, right?). So you still get to see her twice a week? Or did I miss that?

If I have to give up my second weekly spot with my T (which I will be doing soon) it will probably be months before she can get me back in for that second weekly appointment should I ever request that...and there definitely will be no guarantee for same time and day. Honestly, I probably wouldn't ever get it back because she has a waiting list and I respect that she needs to keep all of her openings filled. She's in private practice so I'm assuming she can't afford for slots to sit open.

I'm not trying to diminish your feelings of sadness, just pointing out that your T sounds very caring and flexible by immediately fitting you back into her schedule despite your cancelling your second session for the foreseeable future. She had no way of knowing that your new schedule would only last for a week. In fact, if you guys had been discussing it so extensively for two months then she probably assumed the schedule change was pretty well set in stone.

Hang in there! Your T sounds very caring and committed to you
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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 03:16 PM
  #26
The word "replace" seems really charged for you. I am going back to my original question; were you replaced? Is that an accurate word to describe a situation where a therapist allocates a time slot to another client? You are not replaced since you still exist and your relationship with her still exists.

The reality here is your position as a client. Assuming she is a decent therapist, none of her clients will be more important than others, although you will all have specific and significant relationships with her. And I can't imagine that you would want there to be a hierarchy of clients because how would you feel if you weren't top of the hierarchy? For me: the horror!!! Personally, it would not be useful (although it would be comforting!) for her to reassure me that she had not replaced me. If she soothes me, then we are caught in a collusion where the aim is to avoid my pain around the reality, which might also be present in my history, of "being replaced". As hurtful as I find it when she can't/won't soothe me, it is often when I make most progress.

This is hurtful and horrid, but sometimes I think we need to get in amongst the hurtful and horrid and try to keep hold of our responses so we can examine them rather than be carried away by them. When you figure out how to do that, let me know!
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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 03:18 PM
  #27
Can't help but wonder if you might be experiencing a lot of hurt and anger at your H and redirecting it at L. After all, it is because of your H that you had to reduce sessions in the first place, if I understand correctly. But maybe it feels safer and more worthwhile to get angry at L for some reason.

I understand not wanting to be "replaced," but I don't think she really has "replaced" you. I hope the session goes well and you get some peace with this.
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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 03:23 PM
  #28
No, I still get to see her twice a week. I don't get my time slot back, but I don't want it now anyways. I feel it's been tainted.

I get what you're all saying logically. I understand logically. She has other clients, she's private practice, she has a wait list (which I didn't know), etc, etc. It's the feelings I'm struggling with. L is very caring/loving and committed to me. Again, logically I know this. In order to fit me into her schedule, she's working days and times she usually doesn't. She has gone above and beyond for me in ways I dont even post on here. She always fits me in, unlimited emails, unlimited 20min phone calls, allows my dog, sits on the floor with me, does a scrapbook with me, let me borrow her blanket indefinitely, has given me presents and transitional objects, lets me give her presents, doesn't freak out on me, hugs me, holds my hand, does question and answers, discloses some, allows me to see her in-person, is validating, unconditionally loves me, reassures me as much as I need, knows how to calm me down/ground me, is patient, etc, etc, etc. (Tuesday I gave her a jar with 50 little notes on why I love her, so the list goes on...).

AND I feel rejected. Both/And as L likes to call it. I'm allowed to have both logic and feeling parts, they're allowed to contradict. I'm allowed to have contrasting feelings too. I love her AND I'm angry at her. I know she's committed to me AND I feel betrayed by her. I want to cling to her AND I want to push her away. It's not either/or. It's grey.

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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 03:29 PM
  #29
Maybe I am mad at H and projecting it onto her? And I might even be projecting the resistance and confrontation I feel onto her. I told her I need her to be gentle either way and she agreed.

I am mad at H. He's totally f'ed us financially by sitting on his ***** playing video games and working on a music label that isn't even breaking even. I'm not even going to say how much money we had and how much we wasted, but it would make you sick. I could have afforded IVF just on how many cars he bought and sold. (Do I sound bitter?)

I normally don't take those things out on L. But maybe I am?

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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 03:36 PM
  #30
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Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel View Post
AND I feel rejected. Both/And as L likes to call it. I'm allowed to have both logic and feeling parts, they're allowed to contradict. I'm allowed to have contrasting feelings too. I love her AND I'm angry at her. I know she's committed to me AND I feel betrayed by her. I want to cling to her AND I want to push her away. It's not either/or. It's grey.
The Both/And I understand. It seems really important. Things often don't easily fit into one box of logic or one box of emotions. They are usually mis-mashed into both. I get what you are saying here. It is grey. That is a good description. Talk about this with L. You're doing a great job about talking about it on here. Talk about it with her too! You can do this! Hang in there! HUGS Kit

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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 05:44 PM
  #31
The heart needs time to learn (feel) what the brain knows, as my T says. It's ok to be in the AND place. I get this very much as well. Being in the AND place is actually a step in progression, I believe. It's not easy.

You are doing a good job being with and being open about your AND place.
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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 05:46 PM
  #32
I made it through my old hour. My dad took me out to lunch to treat and distract me. I wish L would have checked in on me. I know that's expecting her to mind read, but it would still be nice.

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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 06:03 PM
  #33
Sorry, i didnt mean to be unsupportive. Honest, i wait to say something to you until i think i have a different way of looking at the situation that might be helpful. I usually forget to say anything supportive at all. I KNOW you get all the stuff about it not being logical, and holding opposing feelings at the same time.

Now im thinking, not musical chairs, but a teeter-totter. How many people are on that teeter totter? What else is on it? (That list of things she does is pretty heavy!) How can she "replace" you if you are opposite her? Not saying i can answer these questions.

I think youre right, it IS about commitment. Who is committed to whom, or not?
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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 06:05 PM
  #34
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Originally Posted by Elio View Post
The heart needs time to learn (feel) what the brain knows, as my T says. It's ok to be in the AND place. I get this very much as well. Being in the AND place is actually a step in progression, I believe. It's not easy.

You are doing a good job being with and being open about your AND place.
Yeah my long ago long term t used to say that the longer you can stand to be there, the better.
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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 07:51 PM
  #35
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I think youre right, it IS about commitment. Who is committed to whom, or not?
I just feel hurt. I know L is committed to me, and she knows I'm committed to her. We tell eachother that we will measure our relationship in decades; not years. And at the first decade mark, I told her I'd dance with her (I'm too embarrassed to dance especially because I don't know how!). I just am hurt that she gave my spot away so fast. If it had been a month, sure I'd be bummed and still hurt, but for some reason that makes more sense. Or if she told me upfront she was going to put another client in that slot, then I would have time to grieve it.

Idk. I'm emotionally a wreck right now going back and forth between anger and sadness and frustration and depression.

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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 07:51 PM
  #36
I see L in 39mins... Not looking forward to it.

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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 08:27 PM
  #37
I hope it goes well, Scarlet.
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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 11:06 PM
  #38
It went as well as it could. I had a complete breakdown and my choices were a double session or hospital. I chose an extra session. I'm too mentally drained to recall everything, but everything is okay between L and I. She has never seen my like that before. I have never been that bad in front of someone before. She wants me to take my anxiety meds and sleep tonight.

Thank you all for the support!

P.S. We determined that it didn't necessarily have anything to do with the actual time slot. It was about feeling like I wasn't good enough or was bad, and my fears of abandonment that got triggered.

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Default Feb 13, 2021 at 02:38 AM
  #39
I think you and her have come to the correct conclusion. It probably has nothing to do with the time slot (she did nothing wrong taking care of her business and other clients when you vacated a spot), but your reaction is still real, enormous and probably close to the reasons you need therapy, right? So keep talking about it with her as long as you need.
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Default Feb 13, 2021 at 10:25 AM
  #40
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I think you and her have come to the correct conclusion. It probably has nothing to do with the time slot (she did nothing wrong taking care of her business and other clients when you vacated a spot), but your reaction is still real, enormous and probably close to the reasons you need therapy, right? So keep talking about it with her as long as you need.
I agree with this. I'm also very sensitive to rejection and abandonment and have had seemingly minor things my T has done really affect me (not that I'm saying giving away your slot was minor, of course).

Like in a recent session, he just seemed to contradict everything I said, was pushing me to do things I didn't want to do (like pushing hard), and also was very negative about the couple things I was feeling positive about. I signed off from session and started sobbing. When I emailed, I mentioned I'd had feelings of rejection and abandonment, like he'd suddenly turned off the support. And how I knew that maybe didn't make sense, but it was the best way to describe the emotions I had.

In session yesterday, he went through and explained why he had said each thing. And it all made total sense to me then, but I was also thinking more logically. He was also understanding about how it affected me, that it was more everything together rather than one single thing. And I feel OK about things now.

But the fact that I had such a strong reaction made me realize that it's not just about him. Something in me was triggered, and it felt like stuff from childhood. It's something I think we need to examine more next week. And also, as he mentioned yesterday, points to black and white thinking that I tend to do, like, "OK, now he has turned off the support, and it's gone forever." As opposed to "OK, we had one off session, let's see how the next one goes."

Sorry for going on so much about myself there. But I think it kind of relates to what you're going through, Scarlet. And your realizing that it's likely about something else, not the slot itself, is important and could help lead to tackling other key issues in therapy. I'm sorry you were so upset and so triggered--I'm glad you were able to get a double session and didn't have to be hospitalized. But maybe in a way it's good that L saw firsthand how affected you were? Because it could help her understand more and help you.
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