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Default Feb 18, 2021 at 05:14 PM
  #1
Or is this just how things are?

My therapist promised me for months we’d be back to in person sessions. She kept saying “I promise” and “soon” and so that’s why I was putting off getting a new therapist. Then late last year she said “we will not get to see each other before you move.” And that set off all the events that happened from November with the IOP and until right now when my last session is this coming Tuesday.

I don’t know. I felt like she was kinda making false promises the whole time and then she just ultimately kinda let me down. I did see her twice in person but every time we’d meet through tele health she’d act like any day she’d get word that she’d be back in office.

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Default Feb 18, 2021 at 05:45 PM
  #2
There is a pandemic out there with a virus that can cause death?! How on earth could any T promise when things would be safe?! That is pretty arrogant or at the very least irresponsible.

I would be more upset with that foolish promise than with not being able to meet up. I would understand and respect the 'not meeting up after all' because this is a serious health matter and I would want my T to be safe (even from meeting me and possibility of being infected.. however low the risk) than to satisfy my desire to be with T in person.
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Default Feb 18, 2021 at 06:58 PM
  #3
I understand your frustration, Md. Do I ever! Both my pdoc and my T have "hinted" a few times about "possibly seeing each other in person soon" - which has not yet happened, not in 10 months. The fact is, this situation is just as frustrating to therapists as it is to clients. Your T probably wants to go back to IRL, but what can she do...the entire pandemic situation is insane.

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Default Feb 18, 2021 at 07:27 PM
  #4
I am sorry your T handled it the way she did and. ow you feel let down. As much as I have been frustrated thatut T seemed pessimistic about going back in person, it made it helpful for me. Initially she said she thought it would last at least through the summer. Then during the summer she predicted we probably would be needing teletherapy for at least a year. Honestly I was upset and a little angry with her. That was not what I wanted to say. So hoped she was totally wrong.

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Default Feb 19, 2021 at 11:12 AM
  #5
Can I ask whether there was any conversation before about the having to move part? You don't have to answer, but if there was, okay, I still it's not reasonable to in the current situation promise anything about meeting again unless there was a really, really evident downtrend in infections and she can decide for herself whenever she's back to work. But if there was no discussion about that part, then I think that comment would, for me personally, be even more upsetting... either way, I think it's totally reasonable for you to be upset. I'd probably react the same way in either of the two situations.
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Default Feb 19, 2021 at 01:19 PM
  #6
I understand. My ex therapist used to promise she would never, ever dump me, never abandon me because she knew i had such severe abandonment issues, that when i left therapy would be up to me, etc. Then after 7 years of promising that, she dumped me one day. I still have no idea what i did wrong. She had made so many promises. I was very upset.
I think it is reasonable for you to be upset. She shouldnt have made those promises.
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Default Feb 19, 2021 at 01:59 PM
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Originally Posted by ChickenNoodleSoup View Post
Can I ask whether there was any conversation before about the having to move part? You don't have to answer, but if there was, okay, I still it's not reasonable to in the current situation promise anything about meeting again unless there was a really, really evident downtrend in infections and she can decide for herself whenever she's back to work. But if there was no discussion about that part, then I think that comment would, for me personally, be even more upsetting... either way, I think it's totally reasonable for you to be upset. I'd probably react the same way in either of the two situations.
We discuss the move quite a bit. It’s basically one of 3 things that we have been heavily discussing since the pandemic and video sessions started. And she knew how much going back to in person before I move meant for me. She even said one time “I promise we will be back in my office before you move.”

I don’t know if I should bring this up on Tuesday or not.

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Default Feb 19, 2021 at 02:26 PM
  #8
There is no "should" involved when it comes to your feelings. How you feel is meaningful, there is no prescriptive approach. What matters is that you are upset and that needs to be paid attention to.

Personally, I wouldn't upset by this. It hasn't mattered to me what my therapist has offered in terms of meeting in person because I have my own boundary - I don't consider it safe to meet in person until infection rates are minimal. Obviously, I am not suggesting that you should feel the same. However, it has often been useful and empowering for me to consider my boundaries rather than just operating around hers.
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Default Feb 19, 2021 at 03:56 PM
  #9
I think you should bring up anything (as much as possible) that leaves you with loose ends with your current therapist. For whatever reason(s) you've had a helluva time with the woman and I don't have a strong feeling that she's done much to assist you in healing.


btw, I think an older T will be better for you. Just a hunch.

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Default Feb 19, 2021 at 04:53 PM
  #10
I agree that you should bring up whatever you're feeling. And that it's OK to feel whatever you feel. She shouldn't have promised anything to you regarding in-person. That's one thing my T has been good about, saying things like he couldn't see being back in the office any soon than x, when x was months away. And when he was getting his first shot of the vaccine a few weeks ago, he said, in response to my questions, that maybe a month after his second shot, he'd see what current infection rates are in our area, what other T's in the area are doing, and ask his wife what she's comfortable with (to my knowledge, she's not yet vaccine-eligible). So not making any guarantees. As frustrating as that can be in a way--it's been nearly a year since I've seen him in person--I'd rather him say he's not sure than make promises he may be unable to keep.


You're on a bit of a deadline due to your move. Any chance she'd be willing to meet you outside? I know it wouldn't be the same, but maybe it could help? Or is it partly about being in her office one last time? (Because I really miss my T's office, too--and the fact that he often meets me virtually from there can make it more difficult, in a way).
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Default Feb 19, 2021 at 05:10 PM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
I agree that you should bring up whatever you're feeling. And that it's OK to feel whatever you feel. She shouldn't have promised anything to you regarding in-person. That's one thing my T has been good about, saying things like he couldn't see being back in the office any soon than x, when x was months away. And when he was getting his first shot of the vaccine a few weeks ago, he said, in response to my questions, that maybe a month after his second shot, he'd see what current infection rates are in our area, what other T's in the area are doing, and ask his wife what she's comfortable with (to my knowledge, she's not yet vaccine-eligible). So not making any guarantees. As frustrating as that can be in a way--it's been nearly a year since I've seen him in person--I'd rather him say he's not sure than make promises he may be unable to keep.


You're on a bit of a deadline due to your move. Any chance she'd be willing to meet you outside? I know it wouldn't be the same, but maybe it could help? Or is it partly about being in her office one last time? (Because I really miss my T's office, too--and the fact that he often meets me virtually from there can make it more difficult, in a way).
I think she said one that the practice doesn’t allow outside contact. But I’m trying just to accept things and I do feel positive about the new therapist who is probably more of what I need in a therapist. But the false promise things got to me a lot more then I realized after going through my past posts since May on here.

I do want to talk to her about it because I know I’ll regret it later, but I don’t want her to think I’m mad at her when we are finished. So it’s probably best to bring it up at the start of the session so we have time work through my feelings.

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Default Feb 20, 2021 at 10:34 PM
  #12
My Ts and I have very few rules in our relationship, but one of them is that they are not allowed to make promises to me.

Ts shouldn't promise anything...period. Nothing about the future can be promised. Now, having an intention is different. Maybe it was her "intentions"?

You have the right to feel whatever you feel, and to express those feelings (talking out; not acting out).

I hope it goes well for you!

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Default Feb 23, 2021 at 07:17 PM
  #13
I did talk to her about it and she basically just said that she was just giving me information that she was hearing herself. Originally she thought she’d only be out a month and then things got worse and it was confusing after that.

She did apologize for the whole email thing and said she should have put in strong boundaries in the beginning.

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