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SarahSweden
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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 11:09 AM
  #1
My counselor who isn't a therapist tells a lot about herself, also personal things. As she isn't a therapist she can't discuss or properly handle how that affects me and I don't have any option to switch therapists.

But I still see the value in venting and discussing this here at PC.

I like when a counselor or therapist shares some bits about herself here and there but my current counselor talks a lot about herself. She also refers to things she heard/saw or talk about what did herself in a similar situation.

As I'm a caring person and it's natural for me to show empathy I engaged in her story and what she told me when her mother-in-law recently passed away. But later on I regretted it, at least partly, as when I asked her how she felt a week later she told she didn't answer but began to talk about something else.

She doesn't show any appreciation that I listened to her, asked different questions although this is really not my responsibility to do as a patient, I did it because I care.

She's now had some time off due to the funeral and when I see her next time I won't ask anything about how she feels or how the funeral was. I think she sends double messages, one where she shares like we were acquaintances and one where she shows she doesn't want my questions or engagement.
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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 12:25 PM
  #2
She probably changed the topic because it was to fresh and difficult to talk about yet. Can you see that her reaction probably has absolutely nothing to do with you? It isn’t about lack of appreciation. Expecting some thank you right now is tone deaf to her need probably just for space from the topic. Grieving takes time, and sometimes people just need space.

Last edited by ArtleyWilkins; Feb 21, 2021 at 12:41 PM..
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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 12:40 PM
  #3
My therapist shares some aspects of her life with me, but generally keeps her own struggles to herself. Unloading on a client isn't very professional, in my opinion. I understand the fact that you were trying to be sensitive to your counselor's needs, but perhaps she/he was trying to protect you by changing the subject. I hope you can change your outlook about her/his approach as demonstrating a lack of appreciation. It's not really fair to you, or to the theraputic process. Showing empathy is extremely healthy, in my opinion, but the therapy workspace is different than the real world in many ways.
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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 03:24 PM
  #4
Thanks. She though did talk about the topic and even about her mother-in-law who just passed away. To me she didn't seem especially upset and the question "how are you" wasn't intruding in any way. Also, she introduced the topic, she told much more than she needs, she could have just said something like "something personal came up and I need a couple of weeks off" or similar.

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changed the topic because it was to fresh and difficult to talk about yet. Can you see that her reaction probably has absolutely nothing to do with you? It isn’t about lack of appreciation. Expecting some thank you right now is tone deaf to her need probably just for space from the topic. Grieving takes time, and sometimes people just need space.
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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 03:31 PM
  #5
Thanks, I agree with you but I don't see this counselor for therapy but for "supportive chats". She usually shares a lot and I try to go along with that even if I don't like it that much. As she chooses to share I assume she also wants to interact in a more friendly manner and that includes answering to how she feels.

I think there's too much of boundary blurring from her and she can't handle that properly.

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Originally Posted by buddha1too View Post
My therapist shares some aspects of her life with me, but generally keeps her own struggles to herself. Unloading on a client isn't very professional, in my opinion. I understand the fact that you were trying to be sensitive to your counselor's needs, but perhaps she/he was trying to protect you by changing the subject. I hope you can change your outlook about her/his approach as demonstrating a lack of appreciation. It's not really fair to you, or to the theraputic process. Showing empathy is extremely healthy, in my opinion, but the therapy workspace is different than the real world in many ways.
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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 04:23 PM
  #6
I think you are reading way too much into it. Or just ask her.

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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 04:25 PM
  #7
I don’t think one needs to be a therapist to be able to discuss how something effects someone else. You often say because she is not a therapist she can not understand or discuss something. It’s not a big mystery. I find it curious that you feel this way. Ton of people in all kind of professions can understand and discuss how other people feel. Not just therapists. What if you bring it up?

It’s hard to tell when someone is upset about something. Especially if you need to appear certain way at work. It would be unprofessional for her to appear visibly upset. I rarely look visibly upset but it doesn’t mean I am not.

If you don’t want her sharing, it’s ok to change the topic and talk about yourself instead
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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 05:02 PM
  #8
I had a bit of a similar experience with a T once. She told me about a fabulous trip she was taking, she was going away for two weeks. When we had our next session, I naturally asked her how her trip was. She gave a one word answer and too quickly changed the subject. Her response didn’t really impact me, but I did feel that she had dealt with it badly. I think there can be a power issue over a T’s self disclosures.
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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 08:39 PM
  #9
I think it's only natural to want to care in this situation, and also to want your caring to mean something to your counselor. And (to me at least) it can feel like the worst sort of rejection when it seemingly doesn't.

One possible interpretation of the mixed messages you're getting is that she's over-compensating for her previous slip-up. Even if she's not a therapist, counseling sessions should be for you and about your stuff rather than the counselor's. And she probably knows this. So she might overshare and not be aware (due to grief/related issues? or just the way she is?) until you show concern, then think 'Oops, did I really tell all that to the client? I better not share any more!'

BTW, I'm not sure it's safe to assume that when people share seemingly important and personal info then that means they want you to care. They might just need to vent and then forget about it. Not saying your counselor does this (would be quite inconsiderate if she did), but I think it's a thing in general.

I think it's a good idea not to ask about the funeral etc., but might be worth eventually trying to talk about how you feel, or how this is confusing for you. Unless you think it's likely to do more harm than leaving something this important unsaid?
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Default Feb 22, 2021 at 02:43 PM
  #10
It sounds as if you felt hurt by your counselor not recognizing or reciprocating the caring which you expressed to her, and now you would like to protect yourself from similar hurts in the future? That sounds like a good idea. But whether you ask questions or not I wonder if caring about her may just always be something that comes up sometimes when you are with her. Is there anything else that you can think of that might help you if/when you may feel hurt by her again? It seems to me like it may not be always possible to avoid.
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Default Feb 22, 2021 at 03:07 PM
  #11
My T does this all the time. She tells me about personal stuff but when I ask questions about what she’s telling me she shuts down and gives a vague answer. I have found it very strange.

Other times I’ll ask questions and she seems uncomfortable answering them and then gives a vague answer but then suddenly goes into a full story. I asked about something in her background the other day and she seemed uncomfortable by my question at first but then was talking about it.

I think she gets uncomfortable when I look around. She did it in her office too. I don’t think she likes it when I’m looking around the room at stuff.

I had another therapist like that too. Why have stuff out in the open like that if you don’t want people looking at it.
I honestly don’t get these people half the time.

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Default Feb 24, 2021 at 02:43 PM
  #12
Thanks. My counselor always avoid topics of emotional character and even if I could tell her how I feel I know I won't be met in such a way that it would be helpful. Especially if my feelings come from something she did or said.

She knows I have only her in the town I live and I think some part in staying rather neutral, that she doesn't validate or explain feelings comes from a fear that I'll get too attached to her if she did those things.

Last time she at least showed a little bit more when the subject about her mother-in-law came up. Even if it was very subtle I could see a bit of a sadness in her facial expression when she told me a little about the funeral.

When it comes to a loss and death I had found it natural if she had cried but at the same time that had made me think of her even more, I'd analyse parts in such an event and such.

Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
I don’t think one needs to be a therapist to be able to discuss how something effects someone else. You often say because she is not a therapist she can not understand or discuss something. It’s not a big mystery. I find it curious that you feel this way. Ton of people in all kind of professions can understand and discuss how other people feel. Not just therapists. What if you bring it up?

It’s hard to tell when someone is upset about something. Especially if you need to appear certain way at work. It would be unprofessional for her to appear visibly upset. I rarely look visibly upset but it doesn’t mean I am not.

If you don’t want her sharing, it’s ok to change the topic and talk about yourself instead
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Default Feb 24, 2021 at 02:48 PM
  #13
Thanks. When it comes to your therapist's trip I got the thought that she perhaps didn't answer much because the trip didn't become the way she expected. Perhaps she or her fellow traveller got sick, the weather was bad or similar.

But nonetheless, I agree it's odd to share at first and then when you asked about it she acted rather dismissive. Did you ever find out more about that trip?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brown Owl 2 View Post
I had a bit of a similar experience with a T once. She told me about a fabulous trip she was taking, she was going away for two weeks. When we had our next session, I naturally asked her how her trip was. She gave a one word answer and too quickly changed the subject. Her response didn’t really impact me, but I did feel that she had dealt with it badly. I think there can be a power issue over a T’s self disclosures.
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Question Feb 24, 2021 at 02:55 PM
  #14
Thanks for interesting thoughts.

Yes, I want my caring to mean something or else I just feel stupid or silly for asking about her. I agree it feels like rejection if I take time to listen to her and she acts like it didn't matter to her.

Yes, I think she sometimes doesn't know where to draw the line. Mostly she seems comfortable around the actual sharing but as I don't see a death or a funeral as something simply practical, my questions will be about how she feels and I think it's that part she wants to avoid for some reason or the other.

I think it's hard to bring this up as when I've told her I want to use our relationship within our discussion about different matters she seemed reluctant and not sure what I actually meant.

Quote:
Originally Posted by corbie View Post
I think it's only natural to want to care in this situation, and also to want your caring to mean something to your counselor. And (to me at least) it can feel like the worst sort of rejection when it seemingly doesn't.

One possible interpretation of the mixed messages you're getting is that she's over-compensating for her previous slip-up. Even if she's not a therapist, counseling sessions should be for you and about your stuff rather than the counselor's. And she probably knows this. So she might overshare and not be aware (due to grief/related issues? or just the way she is?) until you show concern, then think 'Oops, did I really tell all that to the client? I better not share any more!'

BTW, I'm not sure it's safe to assume that when people share seemingly important and personal info then that means they want you to care. They might just need to vent and then forget about it. Not saying your counselor does this (would be quite inconsiderate if she did), but I think it's a thing in general.

I think it's a good idea not to ask about the funeral etc., but might be worth eventually trying to talk about how you feel, or how this is confusing for you. Unless you think it's likely to do more harm than leaving something this important unsaid?
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Default Feb 24, 2021 at 03:04 PM
  #15
Thanks here today. Yes, you're perfectly right on that. I don't want to feel "useless" as I often do in other situations and by that I planned to refrain from asking questions. During our latest session she did show a little bit more of sadness and she didn't just rush straight to something else when the funeral came up. It wasn't a big difference but at least something.

I agree it's difficult to turn off the caring side of me and I can't do that completely but if I ask less questions it's easier to keep a distance to her.

I'm not sure what to do when I feel hurt by her the next time. I can't talk to her due to her lack of knowledge in those areas and I don't like to bring up complaints. Perhaps you have some tips that come to mind?

Quote:
Originally Posted by here today View Post
It sounds as if you felt hurt by your counselor not recognizing or reciprocating the caring which you expressed to her, and now you would like to protect yourself from similar hurts in the future? That sounds like a good idea. But whether you ask questions or not I wonder if caring about her may just always be something that comes up sometimes when you are with her. Is there anything else that you can think of that might help you if/when you may feel hurt by her again? It seems to me like it may not be always possible to avoid.
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Disk Feb 24, 2021 at 03:13 PM
  #16
Thanks. It sounds a bit like my counselor, it seems your therapist has a bit of blurry boundaries as well. She doesn't know exactly what and how much she actually wants to share with you.

What kind of stuff does she normally share?

Do you mean your therapist keeps like paintings and photos open to clients to see but when you do look at them she seems uncomfortable about that?

That seems a bit strange if so, if she wants like a photo to be visible to her only she needs to put it away from her clients.

My counselor doesn't keep any photos or more personal stuff visible but she has some postcards and such things on a drawer. But they're too far away to see in detail.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mountaindewed View Post
My T does this all the time. She tells me about personal stuff but when I ask questions about what she’s telling me she shuts down and gives a vague answer. I have found it very strange.

Other times I’ll ask questions and she seems uncomfortable answering them and then gives a vague answer but then suddenly goes into a full story. I asked about something in her background the other day and she seemed uncomfortable by my question at first but then was talking about it.

I think she gets uncomfortable when I look around. She did it in her office too. I don’t think she likes it when I’m looking around the room at stuff.

I had another therapist like that too. Why have stuff out in the open like that if you don’t want people looking at it.
I honestly don’t get these people half the time.
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