Counselor/therapist living without closeness and hugs and other mindboggling facts.

I find it interesting to know a little about the relationship/family status of the therapist or counselor I see. Often their relationships seem to be a certain way and during the time I see them I often realise or get to know things that were surprising to me.

As an exemple I've found out, by putting pieces together during a longer period of time, that my current counselor has been married once before and that she had at least one child when she was very young, about 17 or so. She's now in her upper 50s.

I also know she has children together with her current husband and between her oldest and youngest child the age difference is about 20 years.

I find those things surprising as I often imagine people in say their 50s or 60s to have had only one serious relationship (besides one or more less serious ones) and that they have children together with that person. I guess I see them or want to see them as more "stable" than they perhaps are.

I found out about a former therapist that she lived together with a guy shortly, in her 20s, and she seems to have lived alone most of the time since then. I'm not absolutely sure but it seems she doesn't have any children. She's now in her 60s.

I imagined her as someone living in a steady relationship/marriage with at least one child but when I looked her up she has lived in a small flat for more than 10 years and every year that goes by, she still is the only one at that address. Of course she can still see someone but her living like that was a surprise to me. I find it odd to think she (and other therapists and counselors I've seen) perhaps live without closeness, hugs and so on from a partner.

What do you think of all this?

I dont find it surprising at all.
Therapists are just people.
I dont suspect they would be any more likely to have stable, longer term relationships than anyone else. Maybe less?

I think our projections on to other people say a lot more about us than they do about them. Also, if you look me up in the directory it doesn’t look like I have lived with anyone since I was in uni...but I have been living with someone, he’s just from a different country so doesn’t show up on the register.

I never really think about whether my therapist has closeness or hugs. It's just not something that comes into my conscious brain. I'm not that curious about her I guess. I know some stuff. Like she is divorced. She has two grown children, both male. She has grandchildren. A boy and a girl. They live a couple of hours away from her and the other son lives across the country. But it has no bearing on why I am there to see her so it doesn't matter to me if she is in a relationship or not. I'd like her to be happy. But I want that for pretty much everyone.

A lot of my college/high school friends got married in their mid/late-20s, had children, and then got divorced. Some have remarried, others haven't. So I don't think it's very unusual for someone in their 50s/60s to have had more than one important relationship like that.

I would find it surprising if a therapist lived without closeness or emotional intimacy, although they might get those things from friends or other family members, it wouldn't have to be a partner who lived in the same home.

Your assumption is that living in relationship with other people requires a live-in, romantic relationship. While that is the traditional view of stability, it's a bit old fashioned.

The modern world allows people to divorce or to never get married even, and those people are quite able to live very fulfilling lives. A person who has moved on to live independently and quite comfortably without a romantic relationship is quite capable of being stable, confident, very fulfilled, and even full of supportive, loving relationships - they may just not be what you consider as traditional, and they may not be romantic partnerships at all.

I think of my sister and both of her grown kids. My sister divorced in her 40s. She's pushing 70 now, and she has never been more confident, more happy, more full of truly personal and close relationships as she is now. Both of her kids are in their 40s now. Both of them are still single and I highly doubt either of them will ever marry. They are very independently minded, always busy with friends, organizations, travel, pets, etc. They are healthy, happy, and very much stable. They would definitely balk at being pitied or with anyone who thinks they must be missing out on hugs or closeness in their lives. They definitely aren't.

Divorce rate is very high in the western world so we can’t assume half of the population are all unstable. Being divorced or remarried or single or cohabitating it’s often just how life played out or a life style and not a sign of stability or instability. In addition therapists are people like all of us.

People living alone aren’t necessarily lacking intimacy or closeness. A friend of mine had been living alone for many years. She and her boyfriend prefer to maintain separate residences. It’s not an uncommon choice in older age. They enjoy time together and then going to their own homes.

People could also enjoy closeness and hugs and not be in a relationship. Two of my best girlfriends are single women living alone. They enjoy friendships and relationship with family members, their careers and hobbies and one is also a big dog person. They are out and about. There is more to life than having a partner.

I am 55 and I think I am reasonably stable. I have a stable career and rather conventional life style. I got married second time at 50. Between my marriages I was mostly single or dated and I cohabitated once. When I lived alone I wasn’t lacking anything. I like to have my own space. Living alone isn’t necessarily a lonely existence. I personally was too busy to be lonely. Sometimes being in a wrong relationship could be lonely

I’d really not worry about how therapists live their lives because we can’t really know all ins and outs of other people’s lives

To me, it seems like your counselors or therapists have perfect lives. When the reality is that nobody does. I have never had a therapist who has even come close to even suggesting their lives are perfect. In fact my therapists have been the complete opposite. My T was married right out of high-school and divorced in about a year. They had no children. She had multiple relationships and multiple engagements. One engagement resulted in a son. She always wanted a large family but it never happened. SHE never actually married a second time. Once when discussing my marriage, I disagreed with something she said, her advice was according to the books. She agreed that since she had never had a relationship that lasted more than 2 years, and I had been married for 25. When she passed she had been with a guy for 5 years...her longest relationship.

Current T had her heart broken many times before finally marrying at almost in her mid to late 30s.

I would not worry so much about how my therapist lives and/or make so many assumptions (again!) about their lives and what it means to them.

Instead, I would focus my energies on what is bringing me to therapy and work on that.

They don't become therapists because they have great lives and are less screwed up than anyone else. And what any one person sees as a perfect or flawed life is not how another will see it.

Hmm...well...to be honest I think it's 2021, not 1960 There are all sorts of traditional and non-traditional relationships. I don't believ they have anything to do with character or stability.