Need Suggestions, Please

*Beth* · Mar 01, 2021 at 01:31 PM

For the second Monday in a row the clinic where I see my therapist has called less than 4 hours prior to my appointment and cancelled. Last week both appointments were cancelled (I see my T twice/week). Today they re-scheduled me (at my request) for tomorrow (but I won't be at all surprised if the appt. tomorrow is also cancelled, since this is a pattern). I don't think it's the clinic that is remiss; I am almost sure that my therapist doesn't give them more than a few hours' notice, then they call me.

Last week's cancellations were rough, this time I feel like I'm unglued. I hate the damned teletherapy so much, then the cancelled appointments in addition - it feels like too much. Just for reference, I've been seeing my T for over two years and every approximately three months she "disappears" for a week, or for a few weeks, with only hours' notice. I do not pay to see her - but that shouldn't matter, as the clinic IS paid by my insurance.

I am trying to compose an email to her, but I'm so angry and scared that the email is all jammed up in my mind. I want to just blast at her, but I'm trying to make reasonable sense. I feel so angry! The same damn feeling I have throughout my entire life - that I always come last. It's really a pattern.

I need some help composing the email. Any suggestions or ideas? I'd like it to be short and to the point. Thanks in advance.

comrademoomoo · Mar 01, 2021 at 01:45 PM

Quote:

I am trying to compose an email to her, but I'm so angry and scared that the email is all jammed up in my mind. I want to just blast at her, but I'm trying to make reasonable sense. I feel so angry! The same damn feeling I have throughout my entire life - that I always come last. It's really a pattern.

Change the pronouns from her to you and this seems like an excellent starting point for your email. I try and focus less these days on sounding coherent or fluent and focus more on writing out the unfiltered and often ill-formed feeling. Sometimes I just list or repeat words and I don't even form sentences.

This sounds like such a frustrating and painful pattern for you - not least because it repeats both with her and on a more universal scale throughout your life. I guess the value would be in working through this with her ... except that becomes nonsensical if she is frequently absent.

ArtleyWilkins · Mar 01, 2021 at 01:50 PM

My thought is that, since this is a pattern of absent behavior on her part, perhaps rather than email her, it is time to speak to whomever it is that is her supervisor.

It doesn't sound like it is about you coming last so much as it is about whatever her issues are coming first. Even if those issues are legitimate, they are still affecting her ability to provide consistency in her therapy practice, and ultimately, in their clinic.

Put it on record with her supervisors. I'd save talking to her about it until you get a response from them at least.

Lonelyinmyheart · Mar 01, 2021 at 02:40 PM

I'll send you a pm shortly...

*Beth* · Mar 01, 2021 at 03:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

Change the pronouns from her to you and this seems like an excellent starting point for your email. I try and focus less these days on sounding coherent or fluent and focus more on writing out the unfiltered and often ill-formed feeling. Sometimes I just list or repeat words and I don't even form sentences.

This sounds like such a frustrating and painful pattern for you - not least because it repeats both with her and on a more universal scale throughout your life. I guess the value would be in working through this with her ... except that becomes nonsensical if she is frequently absent.

Thank you - terrific suggestions! I constantly try to "retain my composure" - perhaps I need to rethink that and just speak out.

*Beth* · Mar 01, 2021 at 03:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

My thought is that, since this is a pattern of absent behavior on her part, perhaps rather than email her, it is time to speak to whomever it is that is her supervisor.

It doesn't sound like it is about you coming last so much as it is about whatever her issues are coming first. Even if those issues are legitimate, they are still affecting her ability to provide consistency in her therapy practice, and ultimately, in their clinic.

Put it on record with her supervisors. I'd save talking to her about it until you get a response from them at least.

Thank you. Know what? In theory, I believe your correct. And I know (and like) her supervisor. My problem is courage (lack of it). I think I have to bring the issue up with my T first - then, if this continues I will speak with her supervisor...but at that point, I would probably be about ready to call it quits with my therapist.

TunedOut · Mar 01, 2021 at 03:38 PM

My only advice is to write it out (it is OK to take suggestions at this point) but then sleep on it and the next day, read and evaluate it using your own judgement/feeling about how it sounds. While advice can be good, the final product has to be what you are comfortable with saying. When my H and I were in the USAF and I mentioned an issue I was having with someone--he would urge me to use this tactic or that but the way he dealt with people just didn't fit my personality so what worked for him didn't necessarily work for me. We come across effectively when we are authentic and sincere. But definitely say something--you matter and you will be valuing yourself by not letting this continue to slide.

When you are angry, sleep on it at least one day!

The sun will come out tomorrow!

*Beth* · Mar 01, 2021 at 04:18 PM

Thanks to each of you - your suggestions are gold.

TunedOut, oh, how I wish I could sleep on it. Unfortunately, if I don't get my anger out now, by tonight my mental state could be in dire straights.Last week I had some paranoia problems (I have bipolar disorder), I'm still struggling with that, and I just...I'm pushed to the limit.

So. Here's what I wrote to my therapist. It's no award-winning email, but that's okay. Let her untangle it and work it out. That's her job, not mine.

------------------
Dear M.,

Last week's cancellations were rough, this time I feel like I'm unglued. I hate the damned teletherapy so much, then the cancelled appointments in addition - it feels like too much.

I am trying to compose an email to you, but I'm so angry and frightened that the email is all jammed up in my mind. I feel so angry! The same feeling I have throughout my entire life, the same pattern - that I always come last because I'm not that important. Always, in every significant relationship in my life. I have to work so hard to be approved of, or even to be considered worth someone's attention. Why should I have to behave so well only to meet another's expectations, so they care about me?

For the second Monday in a row the clinic has called about 3 hours prior to my appointment with you and cancelled. I'm guessing that you're giving them short notice, which is why they call me on such short notice. There's no respect there, M.! None for my time or feelings.

-Beth

TunedOut · Mar 01, 2021 at 04:27 PM

It seems like a fine message.

*Beth* · Mar 01, 2021 at 04:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TunedOut

It seems like a fine message.

Thank you so much for your support.

LonesomeTonight · Mar 01, 2021 at 04:57 PM

Your email sounds good. Out of curiosity, did they give any explanation for why your T had to cancel? Like illness, family emergency, etc.? I really struggled when my former marriage counselor had to cancel frequently, often at the last minute, which I eventually learned was due to his wife's (eventually terminal) illness. It got to a point where I never felt secure that the session would be happening until we were sitting in the waiting room. Even then, one session, we went back, and he said he could only give us 20 minutes (he didn't charge us), because he had to leave to deal with something.

Even if it's for a completely valid reason, it can be jarring and lead to loss of trust in a therapist. I hope your T responds to your email and is understanding of your struggles with the cancellations.

Rive. · Mar 01, 2021 at 04:59 PM

Obviously, it's up to you and I would ultimately send whatever you feel comfortable sending.

I would amend the last paragraph and not make the assumption that it's her giving them short notice... mainly because it reads as accusatory and I would give her the benefit of the doubt until I could speak with her directly.

You may be entirely right that it is her giving them last minute notice but emails can be loaded and/or misread. I would let her know how these last minute cancellations affect you but the rest, I think would be better discussed in person.

*Beth* · Mar 01, 2021 at 05:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Your email sounds good. Out of curiosity, did they give any explanation for why your T had to cancel? Like illness, family emergency, etc.? I really struggled when my former marriage counselor had to cancel frequently, often at the last minute, which I eventually learned was due to his wife's (eventually terminal) illness. It got to a point where I never felt secure that the session would be happening until we were sitting in the waiting room. Even then, one session, we went back, and he said he could only give us 20 minutes (he didn't charge us), because he had to leave to deal with something.

Even if it's for a completely valid reason, it can be jarring and lead to loss of trust in a therapist. I hope your T responds to your email and is understanding of your struggles with the cancellations.

Yeah, she's "on quarantine" because she had some cold symptoms and the clinic has to be sure she doesn't have covid. Besides that, I swear the woman has major healthy anxiety. She's always saying she is sick, or is getting sick, or has been sick. Everyone in the clinic has had their covid vaccinations (including her), but they're still not seeing people in person. I dunno...I'm just tired of the excuses. Lost trust = exactly.

I have an appt. with her tomorrow because she had an opening, but if she doesn't cancel I'll be very surprised.

*Beth* · Mar 01, 2021 at 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rive.

Obviously, it's up to you and I would ultimately send whatever you feel comfortable sending.

I would amend the last paragraph and not make the assumption that it's her giving them short notice... mainly because it reads as accusatory and I would give her the benefit of the doubt until I could speak with her directly.

You may be entirely right that it is her giving them last minute notice but emails can be loaded and/or misread. I would let her know how these last minute cancellations affect you but the rest, I think would be better discussed in person.

Thanks, Rive. I already sent the email. I know she's giving the clinic last-minute notice, because her receptionist has complained to me about her doing that in the past. She's not the most organized person. Today is an absolutely stunning spring day and my bet is on my T spending the day working in her garden. Honestly, I'm so pissed I don't care if I sound accusatory, because I feel accusatory.

Lonelyinmyheart · Mar 03, 2021 at 08:23 AM

I think your email is great. She needs to hear it. Regardless of what's going on for her she should at least be aware of the effect it's having on you and take steps to deal with that, or, if she can't, decide whether she's really in a position to see clients right now. You're her client and she has a professional duty to not make things worse for you if she can avoid it. I'm so sorry that your latest session was cancelled again and I just hope she responds to your email. She needs to communicate with you better, in my opinion.

*Beth* · Mar 03, 2021 at 04:50 PM

Thank you, Lonely. Thank you for all your friendship and support. My T and I finally had a session yesterday and went over the whole issue with a fine-toothed comb. One big problem is that my T's and pdoc's receptionist is out for 3 weeks. The receptionist and I get along very well and she lets me know what's going on with my therapist, when to expect her to be out/return, and so on. Things in the mental health part of the clinic are kind of a mess with that very competent receptionist away.

Besides that, my T and I came up with ideas, suggestions, we dialogued and really clarified the entire situation. It was an excellent and productive session - and I honestly could not have managed it without the support I received on this thread and from your PM's

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Lonelyinmyheart Poohbah Member Since Jun 2019 Location: Earth Posts: 1,093 5 1,733 hugs given	Mar 01, 2021 at 02:40 PM #4 I'll send you a pm shortly...
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TunedOut Grand Poohbah Member Since May 2019 Location: USA Posts: 1,525 5 6,987 hugs given	Mar 01, 2021 at 04:27 PM #9 It seems like a fine message.
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