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SlumberKitty
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Default Mar 01, 2021 at 02:47 PM
  #1
So I had a session with my T on Saturday. We talked about a lot of stuff. Everything from the paranoid thoughts I was having last week (which she wasn't too helpful about because she said you already figured out you were paranoid so there's nothing for me to do). How about help me for next time? And being lonely in childhood and socially behind. To my possible upcoming test at the doctors
Possible trigger:
. She was like how come you've never had one. I said I started one once with another doctor, freaked out, had a panic attack and she didn't finish the exam. Since then I've basically avoided the whole thing. My doctor goes back and forth on whether or not I need one but lately is back on the kick that I do.


Based on this conversation and who knows what else T tells me she suspects I have a background of CSA. I must have looked skeptical. She said I know you don't remember anything but your reactions are just too big, too strong (which made me feel bad). She's like yeah, no one enjoys it but they get through it. Again, that made me feel bad.


I don't know if T's guess is correct or not. I don't remember anything like that. I wonder why she would bring that up. It's really messed with my head since Saturday. She said I can think she is crazy for thinking that but she said to bring it up to my GP/PCP (yeah right) and see what she says.


Ironically Pastor T told me the same thing about his suspicions. Because he says clinically I present like that. But I just thought he was off his rocker. T said I will remember when it is time for me to remember. Don't know what to make of that either.


How am I supposed to deal with this? How do I process this? It's just T's guess. But now I'm stuck dealing with it.

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Default Mar 01, 2021 at 03:31 PM
  #2
Dear SlumberKitty,

It is usually up to a client to start that topic in therapy if they have such concerns.

But they brought it up, so the question is what to do with it...

If there is something to remember, that was hidden for a long time, it will come out probably once you feel safe enough, and capable enough to deal with that. I know it does not sound reassuring atm, but trust yourself on this one. You will deal with it when you can, if there is anything to deal with. I say that from experience.


About the test...I think that you should definitely talk to you doctor about your panic attack the last time you had the test, so that they can be extra careful and make it as bearable as it is possible, in case that you decide to do it. If you still find it panic inducing, just stop the whole thing, and be aware that you have the control over decisions about your health, and you can stop it any time you feel uncomfortable.


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Default Mar 01, 2021 at 03:52 PM
  #3
I don't remember it either, Kit, but I'm pretty sure it's there from a couple facts I can't otherwise explain.

Though the difference is I came to that conclusion on my own long ago and only recently told Info (actually she's the only person I've ever mentioned it to--she agreed with me it sounded like there was something there). It isn't so much the memory that's important as the consequences. And while there are other reasons for your reaction to a pap smear, any kind of SA would be a big one. (I get them, because sexually active, and I can deal with the physical discomfort, but invariably I weep during and after.)

And you don't have to deal with it, but if you want, you might look at your life and think about other ways CSA might have affected it. What triggered your mental illnesses? They started young, no? How do you feel about sex? Etc.
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Default Mar 01, 2021 at 04:08 PM
  #4
I really feel for you. I can well understand the difficulty you've had with such a personal medical test. I've had them routinely but, being a CSA survivor, I always dissociate...just leave my body. I know that for the day I will be checked out of my body, so I have to be extra careful with driving and such.

I understand what your T was saying BUT I strongly believe that her comment was entirely unnecessary, and mean.

As for CSA, I don't have any great answer. I know people who were not victims, yet still have a really difficult time with paps. And I know women who are survivors and absolutely panic at the thought of having a pap.

My thought has always been that my abuser took so much of my mental health from me, I'll be darned if I'll allow him to steal away my physical health, too.

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Default Mar 01, 2021 at 04:50 PM
  #5
Hugs, Kit. It doesn't necessarily need to be CSA. So, I had both paternal and erotic transference for my marriage counselor.
Possible trigger:
It really bothered me, not so much because I worried that what she suggested had happened, but that there may have been something wrong with me for having those feelings toward ex-MC if I hadn't had that experience. I mentioned it to both ex-MC and Dr. T at one point, and they disagreed with what she'd said.

I've also been told by both ex-T and Dr. T that I have many reactions that suggest childhood trauma (not necessarily CSA). In talking through things with Dr. T, I think that some of it stems from having generalized anxiety and OCD starting in early childhood. He said how those can be a form of trauma, or at least have similar effects, if it's chronic and if I didn't get help for it.

So it's entirely possible that your fear of that procedure stems from something else. Out of curiosity, have you undergone any other medical procedures (even something seemingly minor like a throat swab to test for strep throat) that felt really invasive? Just wondering if something like that could have traumatized you/made you feel violated, so this feels similarly.
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Default Mar 01, 2021 at 04:51 PM
  #6
I am wary when Ts take it upon themselves to offer suggestions such as these when clients are not the ones to bring it up. It comes as making assumptions, of which I am not a big fan of anyway. Yes, T may be right but the potential for confusion or simply making wrong assumptions is simply too big. T could be wrong and potentially causing distress for clients. It's like Ts dump this on clients. And then what..?

I am sorry your T has caused distress, or stuckness. I don't think she should have said that..
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Default Mar 01, 2021 at 05:46 PM
  #7
Thank you everyone.


Possible trigger:


I did have a series of pretty invasive medical procedures done when I was a child. They were trying to figure out what was wrong with me and I was tested for everything from childhood arthritis, and leukemia to rare bone diseases. Turns out I needed my tonsils out. By that time I had undergone bone biopsies and everything. I had a bad reaction to the metal clamp they used on my tongue while getting my tonsils out and my tongue swelled up. I ended up losing 20 pounds (at age 11 when I really was already underweight, not like now when I could stand to lose 20 lbs) because I couldn't eat and had to go on a liquid diet because of the tongue thing. All of that was rather traumatic and for a while I thought I was dying because of the tests they were performing. And for like 2 years no one knew why I kept getting sick and the tests they kept doing got more outrageous. For one they had to shave part of my head to take a biopsy of my skull.


The only memories that I do have that might at all be possibly maybe be considered CSA trigger
Possible trigger:



I was physically abused by my mother and emotionally neglected by both my parents. Although we have a good relationship now. My mom had untreated mental illness when I was growing up and a problem with anger. But both of my parents did their best. Just sometimes their best sucked.


I am so mad at my T for bringing this up. I don't know what possessed her. I'm trying to just forget she said it. But then Pastor T said it too so it's like two of them in my head. Having one T in your head is bad enough, two are terrible!


I can never ask my sister because it just isn't spoken of like most of my childhood. And I don't have contact with that cousin except on FB but I basically ignore her. There's been some weird things in her life that have made me wonder though. She was with a man who ended up in big trouble with the law because he
Possible trigger:
and the last guy she was with just totally creeped me out. But what the husband got in trouble for, it made me think of what happened when I was a kid and I have to admit it made me wonder if she had done it. All the evidence was on her computer. Not his. It was just weird.


I hate that T put these thoughts in my head and made me think about the unfortunate events. I hate that I'm going to have to talk to T about it probably in order for them to go away. I hate T right now. I'm so mad at her.

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Default Mar 01, 2021 at 06:20 PM
  #8
Sometimes CSA is done by other children. That doesn't make it any less traumatic. Regardless of what you agreed to or not, the fact that you became physically sick tellms me that it was quite traumatic to you.

Possible trigger:
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Default Mar 01, 2021 at 06:23 PM
  #9
Thank you @corbie

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Default Mar 01, 2021 at 07:40 PM
  #10
Children "experimenting" can be traumatic in its own way, especially depending upon what went on. Especially true of older children encouraging or forcing younger children to do whatever. There's a power imbalance.

I also come from a family in which my mom was mentally ill and extremely abusive. Yes, she did her best...but many times her best sucked, too. My own father was absent and my step-father was a completely abusive crazy man.

The medical tests sound traumatic, Kitty! My gosh, you had all sorts of challenge while you were growing up.

Your cousin sounds like ICK. Good thing, most likely, that you stay away from her.

Daniel Craig is my celeb crush, too.

We have some things in common

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Default Mar 02, 2021 at 01:28 AM
  #11
The first thing that came to mind was- do you know anybody who has been diagnosed with cervical cancer? My mom died at a young age from cervical cancer. So everything I need a pap I start having major panic attacks. It is just a. thought.

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Default Mar 02, 2021 at 04:42 AM
  #12
I've difficulty with that exam too because of physical abuse and 1 instance of CSA. The gynaecologist told me sometimes it's due to CSA or physical abuse, and sometimes it's because of consrrvative cultural factors like in my country where the topic of sexual health is shameful.

You describe some really awful medical trauma, and children can abuse other children sexually too.
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Default Mar 02, 2021 at 04:45 AM
  #13
It's a difficult subject for me to approach, as I have experienced CSA and struggle with it a lot still. I have also had to have surgeries down there to correct damage that was done. I am also terrified of smear tests, among other things.

Yes many people find smear tests and medical exams terrifying no matter what has happened to them. My partner avoids them at all costs and he has no trauma surrounding it.

But I really don't think a therapist should EVER put ideas in to a client's head that they may have been abused. What good can come of this? It should be up to you to discuss your feelings and experiences, and to make these connections if it feels right. It can be very damaging to assume these things. Please just work with your current feelings and don't worry about what may or may not have happened to you previously, unless it comes naturally to you. It's so distressing. Hugs.
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Default Mar 02, 2021 at 08:42 AM
  #14
I don't think it was a good idea for your therapist to suggest that or assume that. There are many reasons why people avoid smear and other medical exams. I never had a clue that I experience CSA for a couple years into therapy. I had blocked it out and it just came to me. I find it's uncomfortable that your therapist would bring it up in that way. I would trust your feelings and work through it. Big hugs
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Default Mar 02, 2021 at 10:47 AM
  #15
Hey slumber. So what i hear is, you had two different sets of experiences that might be affecting the current situation. One is a series of bad medical experiences, the other is a few bad sleepovers. Its easy to see how the bad medical experiences would affect your trust in doctors now. But the sleepovers probably would have affected your ability to trust your family, when you were very very young.

As you say, and i agree, the event itself was relatively trivial (as were my own), but the awareness of the loss of trust is huge. The extent, and at that age? Not trivial.

Possible trigger:
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Default Mar 02, 2021 at 11:30 AM
  #16
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this being landed on you. I agree with others that therapists should not suggest this to their clients. Any or all of the experiences you've described here may have contributed to how you feel about having a smear test - only you could know that, though talking about them with your t might help you to understand it all. I hope you'll be able to tell her how this has left you feeling.
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Default Mar 02, 2021 at 02:13 PM
  #17
Thanks everyone. Your perspective has helped. I'm not furious with T anymore for bringing it up. I'm still mad but I'm not furious. I wish she would have just said, there has to be more behind why you don't want a
Possible trigger:
than to jump to conclusions. If we could have talked about these things in a curious, questioning sort of way, it might have been less traumatic. It's possible she is right and there's more to my story than I presently know. But there's every chance that she's wrong and the things I mentioned are what has made it difficult. A good friend of mine also suggested a physical cause which I hadn't considered but would make sense. I still have two months before my appointment with my GP when she will probably bring this up again. Although knowing how flaky she is she'll probably have decided I don't need one again. She's so wishy-washy about it. So I do have a chance to talk with T about some of this stuff before then. I don't know how I would bring it up. Maybe just write out some of what I said here and go from there.

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Default Mar 02, 2021 at 03:43 PM
  #18
[QUOTE=SlumberKitty;7036331]Thank you everyone.

The only memories that I do have that might at all be possibly maybe be considered CSA trigger
Possible trigger:


Kit I'm sorry for saying this if you might not be ready, but this is not trivial and your T dismissing this experience as not being a big deal shows how little she knows about trauma. Your body was reacting. A child can also never give real consent.

Hope this is link is helpful with regards to definitions.

Sexual abuse | NSPCC

I have memories I know are 100% real, but for a while I didn't think my experience counted as "real" sexual abuse as it was with a female cousin.

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Default Mar 02, 2021 at 04:14 PM
  #19
Thanks Lemoncake.

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Default Mar 02, 2021 at 10:40 PM
  #20
The thing is there doesn’t have to be “more.” You find the the experience of a pelvic exam to be extremely awful and anxiety-provoking. Period.

It doesn’t all have to fit together neatly in your T’s head. She just has to live with not knowing everything and not everything making perfect sense. As we all do. It’s not her place to make suggestions like that IMO.

And for whatever it’s worth, that tongue experience sounds incredibly traumatic and I could see feeling very leery of having anyone put instruments in any orifice after that alone.
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