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East17
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Default Mar 03, 2021 at 05:28 PM
  #1
My T's and my relationship had felt off since the end of last year. She told me she was going through some health problems. Then she cancelled an appointment and went off sick. On her return I finally plucked up the courage to ask her about the perceived change and she said it was because she was on the defensive, trying to keep her health issues out of our sessions, but I had picked up on it anyway. She said she didn't know whether to be really honest with me and that if she was, we might not be able to continue working together, because she had brought 'her stuff' into the therapy, which was a no-no. She was quite clear that she didn't want me worrying about her and that our sessions if we continued, were to be about me.

We agreed that neither of us wanted to stop working together, so we'd continue and see how things went. Sounded fine in theory, I thought. But in practice, it's damned hard. Just me knowing that she's seriously unwell has changed the nature of the relationship. I already find myself self-censoring what I feel I can bring up with her. I'm worrying about her in between appointments and wondering how she is. I haven't told her any of this as the disclosure was only recent. I don't want to lose her as my T, but am wondering if I can really keep my feelings and concerns about her, out of the therapy sessions.

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Default Mar 03, 2021 at 05:31 PM
  #2
When my former T got MS, things were off for a while. Then it became impossible for her to keep it from me because it did impact our sessions. Eventually we ended up having to quit therapy because her MS wasn't allowing her to see clients. I'm not saying that is going to happen here, I just am saying I've been in a similar situation and its dang hard. HUGS Kit

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Default Mar 03, 2021 at 06:22 PM
  #3
I never wanted to know anything about the therapist. It had no bearing on me.

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Default Mar 04, 2021 at 11:01 AM
  #4
My first therapist has Chrons disease that made it hard for her to keep my weekly apps. I stuck through it and it was very hard for me to make any progress even after she got better. It blurred the boundaries for me. I am not saying this will happen because there are good therapist who will not let the boundaries get blurred. I hope your therapist feels better soon. It's really hard to know what to do. Hugs
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Default Mar 04, 2021 at 11:10 AM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Cheryl27 View Post
My first therapist has Chrons disease that made it hard for her to keep my weekly apps. I stuck through it and it was very hard for me to make any progress even after she got better. It blurred the boundaries for me. I am not saying this will happen because there are good therapist who will not let the boundaries get blurred. I hope your therapist feels better soon. It's really hard to know what to do. Hugs
My long term T also had Chron's. For a while it was hard because she could be doing fine and then suddenly not be so she would cancel appointments very last minute. Since I had been seeing her years before this happened, I knew it was totally unlike her. Prior to that she never cancel, never took time off, etc. When it got to the point where she canceled the second appointment, she told me honestly what was happening. Shr new I struggled with last minute cancelations so was honest. Ot was hard not to worry about her well being for awhile. Fortunately it didn't take long for her providers to find a medication that helped a lot.

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Default Mar 04, 2021 at 11:19 AM
  #6
My old therapist told me she had postpartum OCD and it did freak me out a bit that she was sharing this with me. I felt like it was very personal. I did not ask her anything before that would have made her bring up her personal life. Although it did explain her moodiness when we first started meeting.

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Default Mar 04, 2021 at 06:59 PM
  #7
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Originally Posted by East17 View Post
My T's and my relationship had felt off since the end of last year. She told me she was going through some health problems. Then she cancelled an appointment and went off sick. On her return I finally plucked up the courage to ask her about the perceived change and she said it was because she was on the defensive, trying to keep her health issues out of our sessions, but I had picked up on it anyway. She said she didn't know whether to be really honest with me and that if she was, we might not be able to continue working together, because she had brought 'her stuff' into the therapy, which was a no-no. She was quite clear that she didn't want me worrying about her and that our sessions if we continued, were to be about me.

We agreed that neither of us wanted to stop working together, so we'd continue and see how things went. Sounded fine in theory, I thought. But in practice, it's damned hard. Just me knowing that she's seriously unwell has changed the nature of the relationship. I already find myself self-censoring what I feel I can bring up with her. I'm worrying about her in between appointments and wondering how she is. I haven't told her any of this as the disclosure was only recent. I don't want to lose her as my T, but am wondering if I can really keep my feelings and concerns about her, out of the therapy sessions.
By not acknowledging anything about what she's going through, she has inadvertently made her "stuff" so much bigger and more distracting. My T has had a couple of big life things come up in the decade or so we have been working together -- a divorce and a major surgery come to mind -- and she has told me at the point when it became something that I would likely notice (a name change and a long break to recuperate, respectively). She presented it as "I'm going through X. I'm okay and I have support in my life so you don't have to take care of me. It will affect you and our work together in Y way. Do you have any questions or concerns?" and then we'd talk about it a little if I wanted to or we'd move on. I think being matter of fact about whatever the thing was made it less scary for me. You are probably more upset about what you don't know than you would be about whatever the reality of her situation is.

Unless I am missing something, it seems odd that she thinks being a human person who has things happen to her would somehow disqualify her from working with you. It would be one thing if she felt compelled to tell you all her worries and ask you for help or emotional support, but I don't get the sense that is what is happening here. She is allowed to be a human, just not messy in the way that the client-human gets to be. Is she maybe very young or new? Does she have a supervisor or mentor to talk to about how to handle this?

You are likely a caring, sensitive person -- that is what gets a lot of us banged around in life and ending up in therapy in the first place. Earlier in your life, you might also have developed a hypersensitivity to what other people are feeling so you could better predict what would happen in an unstable environment. This might increase your distress in this situation because you know something is wrong but you're having your reality denied by the other person. So it makes sense that ignoring her illness and soldiering on feels so impossible. I think this could be a rich thing to dig into in therapy, and I also think your hesitation to bring it up makes total sense given that she's suggesting termination. It seems like there just isn't enough space for you and your reactions. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and I hope the two of you can figure out how to navigate this.
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Default Mar 05, 2021 at 08:51 AM
  #8
It is sad to see how T's reaction is creating a barrier between the two of you. And now, you feel you need to edit or censor what you want to say to her (e.g. your concern about her).

I don't see why, with a good T, a client should not be able to talk about their reactions, feelings or concerns about their T. It does not mean she has to disclose anything but I think it is very important to explore your feelings about what is happening with her. Imo, this should be part of the therapy work. Why? Because it is in the space. How can ignoring (or pretending not to see) what is in the space, be therapeutic?
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Default Mar 06, 2021 at 05:17 PM
  #9
I resent the "don't ask, don't tell" aspect that many therapists stick with. It's left over from the old psychoanalytic tradition of the "blank slate" analyst. I believe it's outdated, in most cases.

I had a long-term therapist who was very tight-lipped about his personal life and it ended up with me being on the losing end when my therapy with him (after 6 years) suddenly ended, due to personal stuff that was going on for him - which he had not disclosed to me.

My current T told me in the beginning that she doesn't like to keep secrets. She's appropriately open about her personal life and has answered any questions I've asked her about herself. Her sincerity and openness has definitely deepened my trust in her.

As with almost all therapist-client concerns I suggest you bring your feelings up in session.

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Default Mar 10, 2021 at 10:40 PM
  #10
I want to be careful about how I respond to this, because I'm afraid that if I say too much that it may identify my therapist. When I was researching him prior to beginning treatment with him, I found out two pieces of information that I guess my therapist would not want me to know. He has gone through the death of a spouse and he is immunocompromised due to a significant, but not debilitating, illness. As we are living in the Plague, he's alluded to his illness a couple of times by saying that he can super not get COVID, but was no more specific than that. He's never mentioned or alluded to the death of his spouse.

His illness doesn't much affect me, except the couple of times that he alluded to it I had the urge to blurt out, "I know! You have blank!" but thankfully I was able to resist. As for his spouse, this one is harder. I have been married to my husband for 11 years, and overall we have a pretty healthy marriage with minimal issues. When I talk about issues I may have with my husband, my therapist doesn't appear affected by it, and he surprisingly has amazing relationship advice. I've found myself thinking that if he practiced what he preaches, he likely had a very happy marriage. I wonder if he's been through his own therapy and how he as an individual copes.

Overall I'm able to keep those kind of thoughts and feelings out of the session, though I do find that it's helpful to discuss these things with other people. My husband and a couple of my friends know these details, as I don't feel comfortable talking about them in therapy. The therapeutic relationship is weird in that it is focused solely on the client, but the therapist certainly has an impact on the client as well. I would say that since the therapist knows what you know, if it's affecting your daily living, be open to processing that with them. A skilled therapist will be able to navigate that conversation in a way that is healthy for you. I would also lean on your social network for support.
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Default Mar 11, 2021 at 05:23 AM
  #11
My therapists were always pretty upfront about any major issues that were going on, particularly if they might in any way interfere with scheduling or general availability. I was aware of major illnesses with them or family members, deaths in the family, etc. not because the therapist was trying to overshare or turn me into their therapist or anything, but simply because logistically and practically, these things did have some sort of impact on the therapist's business. While these issues were major for my therapists, they were not particularly major for me I think in part because my therapists were so honest and open about how these issues might affect their work. I think they basically exuded the tone that they had it all in hand, this was their plan for minimizing the effect on their work, or this was how they were going to be handling the situation as it pertained to their work; thus, I was able to trust they were taking care of themselves and their clients (me included).

I appreciated my therapists openness. I think sometimes therapists seem to try to protect clients from basic realities and that does the client a disservice. It seems infantilizing to hide the truth from an adult to in some way protect them. I guess that's the parent in me speaking maybe. I have always found my own kids to be quite astute and "on" to whatever problems are happening; we always have found just be straight with our kids was respectful and honestly less anxiety-making for them. As adult clients, I just don't understand the "need" to protect adults from basic facts about issues that might require adjustments and change (or anyone for that matter - even small children can learn to handle change if given the appropriate information in a timely and age-appropriate manner).
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Default Mar 13, 2021 at 03:39 PM
  #12
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...

I appreciated my therapists openness. I think sometimes therapists seem to try to protect clients from basic realities and that does the client a disservice. It seems infantilizing to hide the truth from an adult to in some way protect them. I guess that's the parent in me speaking maybe. I have always found my own kids to be quite astute and "on" to whatever problems are happening; we always have found just be straight with our kids was respectful and honestly less anxiety-making for them. As adult clients, I just don't understand the "need" to protect adults from basic facts about issues that might require adjustments and change (or anyone for that matter - even small children can learn to handle change if given the appropriate information in a timely and age-appropriate manner).

Good post. I wholly agree.

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Default Mar 13, 2021 at 04:12 PM
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I appreciated my therapists openness. I think sometimes therapists seem to try to protect clients from basic realities and that does the client a disservice. It seems infantilizing to hide the truth from an adult to in some way protect them. I guess that's the parent in me speaking maybe. I have always found my own kids to be quite astute and "on" to whatever problems are happening; we always have found just be straight with our kids was respectful and honestly less anxiety-making for them. As adult clients, I just don't understand the "need" to protect adults from basic facts about issues that might require adjustments and change (or anyone for that matter - even small children can learn to handle change if given the appropriate information in a timely and age-appropriate manner).
I agree with this as well. It led to big issues with my former marriage counselor (ex-MC), for whom I had strong transference. He often had to cancel or reschedule at the last minute. I had assumed something was up and got various clues from ex-T, plus something I overheard a receptionist saying, eventually learning that he had someone in his house requiring 24-hour care. Then ex-MC shared a story that had me put 2 and 2 together (more like 2 and 2 and 2 and 2, but...), and I realized it was his wife.

I brought it up in session, and he confirmed it was the case, was willing to answer some questions, but wasn't particularly honest or open about it--a big contrast to how he tended to be about himself and his life. There was a session where it came up again--I think it was when I finally expressed my irritation of him looking at texts in session and said I had been reluctant to say anything because of his wife (like in case the text was from her or her caregiver). And he said he wished I had still spoken up sooner.

In that session, he said he'd been trying to keep things with his wife out of the therapy--but realized that maybe it was causing more issues from his trying to keep them out. I think he was considering sharing what was going on, but opted not to.

And she passed away a few months later, which I only found out due to a combination of a cancellation, a comment from ex-T when I mentioned it, and then googling her name to find her obituary (she'd died about 10 days earlier). Ex-MC said he hadn't planned on telling us about her death either. I asked him what he'd say if I'd asked how she was doing, and he said he would have just replied "All is well" or something.

If he had been more open about it from the start, I think it would have been much easier for me. Not that I expected him to share every detail of his wife's condition and prognosis (he did after her death), but just knowing "My wife has a serious health condition, and sometimes I may need to cancel at the last minute because of her--it's nothing to do with you" would have made it much easier on me (especially as one cancellation was shortly after I'd shared stuff about the transference).

It also dredged up some childhood stuff for me because my mom tended (still does!) to be very secretive about health stuff regarding her and her family. So extra messy with the existing paternal transference mixed in.

I can understand many reasons why a T would want to not share all details of their personal life, but if it's affecting therapy in some way, like frequent cancellations, then I think they should share *something* at least.
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Default Mar 13, 2021 at 04:25 PM
  #14
OK, another example with my current therapist, with something that led to a rupture a couple years ago. So, normally, he'd end session with me paying while he sat at his computer to do the payment (credit card), then he'd shake my hand goodbye while still sitting down, and I'd open the door and let myself out, him still sitting. This had bothered me for a while (his continuing to sit), and I finally brought it up.


Well, it was a mess, with him saying no but not giving a reason. Between the session and an email exchange afterward, it was him saying things like, "I don't want to have to sit down, then stand up, then sit back down again" and I have no desire to have my behavior micromanaged" and that he didn't owe me an explanation, though he did say it didn't have anything to do with me.

I forget how long it took for him to share what was actually going on, probably a few weeks, maybe longer. But he eventually said it was because he'd hurt his back before, and the way his desk chair is (wasn't on wheels), he'd have to push it back out, which hurt his back. So much drama could have been avoided had he simply said that initially when I asked him about the standing. I would have just been like, "OK!"

Around the time of that second conversation, we switched to my paying at the beginning, then at the end, his standing up, opening the door, then shaking my hand, while still standing. It also could have been a solution we could have come up with earlier, had he just been open about it (he stayed standing while running my card when he did that at the beginning).

He's become considerably more open and willing to self-diclose since the start of the pandemic, so I suspect that if a similar conflict were to occur now (once we're back in the office), he would just be honest with me about the reason.
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Default Apr 06, 2021 at 05:29 PM
  #15
Since T last went off sick and we had a break of nearly a month, we had a clear the air session back in February when T told me that she has a serious health condition (but didn't specify what), that she was about to receive a prognosis and start a treatment plan.

Since then we've had 7 consecutive sessions which were going quite well, until this week's appointment got cancelled as she's now in hospital.

I think we both tried to forget that T has a serious health problem and thought she could just carry on as normal, perhaps this is evidence that she can't. I recognise that she might not be able to keep her promise not to abandon me, she may have no choice due to her health.

I am genuinely concerned about her, but at the same time feel like I've been left in a cruel sort of limbo again. She wrote that hopefully by next week we'd both be in a better place, so it sounded as though she was expecting to be ok enough to be back at work - but she can't know that for certain. I don't want to have to start over with someone new unless I absolutely have to. But I wonder if we are both kidding ourselves and just putting off the inevitable ending that is lurking around the corner.
Looking for another T feels kind of disloyal somehow, like I'm writing her off too soon. But in our clear the air session, she was quite certain that she didn't want me to be worrying about her, that the sessions needed to be about me. I'm already struggling with that, she is on my mind way more than is healthy. I know I've become somewhat attached to her, despite my best efforts not to. The logical part of me is saying quit now before you get hurt, but that's going to happen anyway; the emotional part can't let go.



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