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captgut
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Default Mar 05, 2021 at 12:14 AM
  #1
First of all I have to apologize for my bad English, I was out of the forum for some time and didn't have a chance to practice. Please ignore all the mistakes.

So, me and my therapist. I'm female, he's male, 10 years older than men, if it's important. It seems to me that our borders are very blurred now.

It's maybe even okay that we hug about 3 times a year, this is not much and is generally allowed, even though it's not common in my country.

Sometimes he talks about himself, even very personal stuff wich is not related to my issues, this is also generally allowed, although not encouraged.

Last time he finished the session 10 minutes earlier, because he needed to get somewhere in time and uber came to pick him up, he actually ordered uber while beeing in session with me, which is not very ethical. He also said last time that he is burining out, and therefore decided to work less, how ethical is it? As a client, I should not be concerned, whether he is burning out or not, if you cannot work - don't work, and if you work - don't make excuses. And I doubt he's telling other clients that, especially new ones.He also said "I will always find time for you" (= "I'm going to work less, but if you really need me you can text me and I'll find a slot for you"). Is it okay? I feel like I'm special for him. He is also subscribed to my public page in one of the social network and he also congratulated me on my birthday. We work together for 5 years, and it was the first time he texted me, the first time he contacted me outside of session. It all seems like little things, but all together... Or am I overthinking?

You'll probably say "discuss it with him", but I assume that we both pretend that nothing is happening, and if he is forced to admit that our relationship has gone beyond the boundaries of the therapist-patient, then most likely we will not be able to work with me anymore and, accordingly, stay in touch, because we cannot be friends. I'm very attached to him so I would be devasted. I don't know what to do, what to think. Will be grateful for any advice, but please don't judge me or him.
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Lostislost
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Default Mar 05, 2021 at 04:37 AM
  #2
It doesn't seem like ordering an Uber in session, cutting the session short and telling you he's burnt out is beneficial to you at all. My T acting this way wouldn't make me feel special. Watch what he does, not what he says.

Many people have told me I'm special and that they will always have time for me etc, a lot of the time these people turned out to be using or abusing me. Not saying that's what your T is doing, it's just my experience.

I find boundaries confusing too, I have also worked with my T for 5 years. I thought we had become very close, we have given each other small gifts. I made him a card for his birthday, and he completely forgot about my birthday and didn't even know the date when I mentioned it. So I was wrong about meaning anything to him.

If you feel like the boundaries are blurred then this is no good for therapy. I'm assuming he isn't aware of your erotic transference with him or he wouldn't be hugging you at all while you were still feeling that way.

I know you don't want to hear it, but a good therapist will be able to discuss any and all feelings you have about the process, even crossing boundaries. It happened with my T after about 2 years, we still work together but I would say the worst thing is not being able to cross those boundaries anymore. I knew he would never 'be with me', but I really enjoyed the interactions we had outside our sessions. When he stopped them, I was devastated. I still wish for it to come back.
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Oliviab
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Default Mar 05, 2021 at 07:21 AM
  #3
The most important thing here is your reaction to these happenings. It definitely sounds like the boundaries have become looser, which does not have to be a bad thing (but it can be a bad thing). I think it's common for boundaries to change over the course of long-term therapy, as trust deepens on both sides. My T and I talk about this. One of my therapy goals is for our relationship to transition to more egalitarian over time, to balance the power as much as is possible/ethical. As a result of my goal and over 500 sessions, we have become more casual/familiar, and he brings more of himself into the session. When I ask him how he is at the start of each session, he will ask me if I want a "therapist" answer or a real answer (I want a real answer). This transition in how we relate is part of my therapy, is thoughtful and intentional, and relates to my presenting problems. It looks a bit like what is happening in your therapy, although with different examples. But what is critically important is that this is to MY benefit, not his, and it is transparent, discussed, and agreed-upon between us. It sounds like your T has slid into this. I know it's hard to talk about, but perhaps something along the lines of, "I've noticed that over time we've become more casual with each other, and I think that's impacting my therapy. Can we talk about that?"
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Default Mar 05, 2021 at 08:44 AM
  #4
He is not being professional with you.

It is not just one thing but an accumulation of transgressions (adding himself to your social network?!). Yes, there is definite blurring of boundaries. I wonder how efficient he can be as a therapist towards you, seeing he has lost touch with the ethics and code of conduct of the profession.

This is a slippery slope and alarm bells are ringing here.
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Default Jun 21, 2021 at 07:53 AM
  #5
Just a quick thought about ordering the Uber and cutting the session short....if this is the only time he's ever done that, I'd let it go. I'm sure you wouldn't be happy if he canceled the session instead. I think he thought that it would be better to have the session than cancel!

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Default Jun 21, 2021 at 12:40 PM
  #6
That sounds tough that you are attached to him, but he’s now not quite as professional as he was before. I have a different view to Soconfused about him ordering the Uber and leaving ten minutes early. To me this is completely unprofessional and out of order, we pay for 50 minutes (or however long), of fully focused time, and it’s disrespectful of a T to casually do something like that.
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