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Old 04-09-2021, 02:44 PM   #201
LonesomeTonight
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Dear T,
I feel good intellectually about today's session. Don't know if my emotions have caught up yet, though. We'll see what happens when they do. Still, my goal is not to email you this weekend, even though you said it's still OK to do so.
Love, (I'll save that word for here instead of when actually talking to you)

LT
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Old 04-09-2021, 03:05 PM   #202
ArtieTheSequal
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Hey L.

Sigh.

Love,

me
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Old 04-09-2021, 03:21 PM   #203
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

My last therapy session with my old T was 45 days ago. Yesterday and today were really rough. I know it wont get 100% better until I move. But it hurts today.

New T I wish I could email you.
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Old 04-09-2021, 04:28 PM   #204
LonesomeTonight
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Dear T,
If ex-MC was my favorite meal...was it laced with poison, as my friend said? Also, perhaps that makes you the healthy meal that's not as good in the moment, but better for me in the long run? But I still want some of the unhealthy stuff now and then...
Love,
LT
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Old 04-09-2021, 10:53 PM   #205
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

T. I don't know if I can see you again. No decision has been made yet. because... to not see you again means that "this is it". This is what my life will be. I don't know if I can accept that or not.

But. I can't move forward. I can't do this bit. This is the block. And I don't know how to live with that. Its... unacceptable.

I don't know which unacceptable choice to make.

And... here's the kicker. At the heart of it all I know I don't deserve more. Or anything, really. I know I am unacceptable. I certainly do not deserve your time or kindness.

I will never tell you this of course. So, I will likely just not return. It seems to be the best for all concerned.

But, I really do appreciate all the time and effort you have given me. I am sorry I wasn't strong enough to use it.
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Old 04-10-2021, 03:06 AM   #206
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Hi R,

Your use of 'used to' in the context of talking about previous sessions bothered me.
For what it's worth, I need to believe that we will regain the proximity and connection we once had.

Thanks,

Lost
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Old 04-10-2021, 05:14 AM   #207
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

T, i know there's nothing you can do about the new person in the next office slamming the door just as I'm settling in, but this is the second week in a row I've had a trauma/sensory meltdown in my session because of it.

As you know, so many ordinary everyday things are triggers for me because so much of my abuse took place in the context of ordinary everyday life. Add in the sensory issues (the world feels too loud/bright/textured/heavy) and a slammed door throws me off-kilter. And not only for our session but still now, two days later. I've spent all day in my pyjamas (soft) with the same song on rotate (soothe) trying to restore some kind of equilibrium.

I wish you were here to hold my hand. It sucks that after a wrecked session like that, I have to wait a week to come back. But also, your office is starting to feel even more unsafe than it usually does. There were already so many sensory and trauma triggers to contend with. Just being out in the world is painful and challenging enough. I don't want to be losing my 90mins/week safe(ish) place too.
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Old 04-10-2021, 03:04 PM   #208
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Im doing ok today without you.
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Old 04-10-2021, 04:12 PM   #209
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Dear T,
Emotions still seem OK regarding yesterday's session. I imagine if we'd had this conversation a year or two ago, I wouldn't be OK right now. Growth? Progress? Greater trust in you?
Love,
LT
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Old 04-10-2021, 04:32 PM   #210
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Hey L. Gosh darn it all anyway.

Me
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