Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I miss the way things were but I also miss my sanity.

I am horrified by the fact that you people have managed to convince some clients that therapists know whether someone is of sound mind and that it is something to force others to submit to regardless of their own desires. You people have quite the racket going on. Belgium and Germany are so much more civilized than the united states where your lobbyists have gained you people control over innocent citizens. The best thing is when I sue you people and win for some poor person a therapist harmed. Nothing makes me happier than bringing you people down.

Hi T. Today's session was good. Hard, but good.You are funny too. I still can't believe I told you I care about you and our relationship, AND there was no backlash on it. You just said "I hope so!" and reassured me it was ok and normal. Thanks T.

Thanks for not judging when I told you why I always use that one sand tray figure in my sand trays. I was not really surprised when you told me that you have always identified with it. Because to me, it has always been a representation of you. Hmm. I just figured something out.

Anyway not that I expected judgement from you, I guess I actually expected it from me, as in, that I would feel embarrassed about you knowing. But I didn't. At all.

Thank you for helping me find myself again by continuing to gently push me toward getting back in the water. And for introducing me to you-know-who last week ! And I'm SOOOOO glad you understood what I meant.

Can we drum together next week? I'd really like to bring my drum and spend a little time doing that with you.

Is a 4am email ever a good idea? I know it’s Saturday but i really hope you reply. In so much pain. I wish I could be put to sleep.

Hi T,

I'll do my best to cope until I see you in 2 weeks. Please have a good break. While I don't want to assume you're going to be worrying about me, or other clients who are struggling, trust me that I'm doing my best and that your other clients can go to A&E or call the domestic violence hotline.

is it better to sugar-coat things for you? i think so, even if you don't. no one wants to see me like this and i don't want them to. why do you think i have such a dam good poker-face?! many many years of "practice" (aka hiding things).
i'm already toying with the idea of cancelling our upcoming appt.....

Think the session today was a mistake. I just feel super exposed and it was emotionally draining.

First real session and he was already telling me that he was lost.



Snow Patrol - Heal Me (Official Audio) - YouTube

I was really embarrassed when I realised I sent you a message in between dreaming and waking up. Even more so when you ignored it. I know you just think I'm crazy now.

I looked at some of my old therapy threads. It seems my last therapist was pretty passive aggressive sometimes. She was ok during my surgery but after I healed she became weird. I had also told her about my transference in late October. Then I felt forced into IOP and then she set the boundaries with emails. around the time I healed after my surgery and when I told her about the transference that was when she became cold Then the whole email fiasco got out of control in January. Then I told her I couldn’t take it anymore and she was great but I needed out. I snooped around on her Facebook page from a different account since she blocked me for who knows why. A lot of her posts are about trans people and trans rights. I feel in a way that I was sort of like a specimen to her. That she thought it would be cool to have a trans client. I don’t know. Maybe I’m off. I think there was something not right with her though.

But I just remember feeling so alone last Christmas and while I had the group support I had no 1 on 1 support besides a couple calls with a random case manager. I was just so depressed and lonely last Christmas. It’s given me such bad memories I told my new T what happened and I asked if she worked around Christmas time because I felt so hurt. She said she does work around Christmas time. Which made me feel happy.

I've been thinking about this song a lot lately. I adore this performance.

All Things Must Pass - George Harrison.

Please, please let's start meeting in person soon. We're both fully vaxxed. Teletherapy is draining me. You originally said June 25th, so...??

I’m wondering what to wear on Tuesday. I kind of want to wear shorts but I really also want to wear my high top Vans with the sharks on them. I can’t tell if I want to wear a hoodie or just a black T shirt. You’re gonna comment on everything regardless so idk.

Thanks for being blunt with me. I needed to hear that fact. Now I hope I have enough commitment to make the necessary changes.

I've had enough of lurching from crisis to crisis. Surely there's more to life than this?

'You could go to heaven
You could go to Hell
Or you could hang out in between
In the place you know so well...'

40 Years In The Wilderness - Bruce Cockburn

I see your website doesn’t say you have no space any more. Weirdly I feel guilty for leaving you with space to fill....and sad that someone will be replacing me.

I feel the way I felt at one of the jobs I had. Being there was great and I felt like everything was good and I was happy. Then once I’d get home I would think “do I really want to be working there?” I felt like that was how it was with you today. The session was going great and I felt good being back to in person sessions. Then when I got home I thought “wait a second...”

I do think you will work out once I get to know you in person more.

You're right. You're not the answer. There is no amswer. Go away, L! Leave me alone. It hurts so much. You let me walk out knowing that I wasn't safe. Just go away!

Seeing you once a month is ineffective, maybe I should quit therapy?