Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

It's so very hard when I'm angry with you. I don't know how to process that. It's so incongruous with just, well, everything. It took a lot today for me to even say that I am disappointed, let alone to finally admit that yes, I am also angry with you and that yes there is still old anger from a long time ago over this same thing. It took a lot to do that because I am also always and forever so grateful to you for so much, that I feel like I've no right to be angry with you. But I'm going to be an adult and hold the feelings myself, go swimming this afternoon and release the anger into the water, journal it, bla bla bla. I will not be emailing you and expecting you to hold this crap for me. Not this time. Right now I don't want you at all. Yes, Artie is pissed.

Hey L. I'm still disappointed, but I'm not pissed anymore. I am curious about something from our conversation yesterday though.

I wish I had told you yesterday that I did appreciate your going and getting your computer and at least trying. I feel like it was wrong of me to be angry and I feel like I want to apologize to you for my anger. I'm sure we'll talk more about all of this next week. I want to hear more about how you're growing me up. I didn't feel like I was being childish yesterday, I thought feeling disappointed at least was a mature enough response, since you were the one that brought up showing me the pictures in the first place. The anger I was feeling, yeah, for sure that was about more than just the pictures. Your speculations were spot on, as usual. I am actually looking forward to diving back into all of this next week. It's gonna be a long week waiting for Friday to roll around again.

I wish I hadn't gotten so emotional yesterday. What a stupid thing to cry over. But then again I think we both know that I was crying about more than just the pictures.

I’m kinda scared right now but I don’t know about what. My other therapist is like a feather in the breeze right now so I’m kind of just focused on you now. But can you help me be less scared?

Honestly, I don't feel like I'm doing nearly as well as you keep saying I am.

I still love you, you know.

i just realized that i think i already knew it wasn't the pictures i was mad about, that they were just a stand-in for the real reason i was mad, and that's why i kept saying don't worry about it, it's okay, you don't have to do that, etc. the anger has been below the surface for awhile now and the thing with the pictures was like a life preserver in an ocean and my stuffed-down anger grabbed onto it and surfaced. Something like that.

I don’t know how you’ll react to the whole med situation that happened last night. I do not want to tell you in email. I’ll tell you in person on Friday. I kinda expect an email reply tomorrow from the crisis one I sent on Thursday. I get that you were probably pretty busy last Friday. I don’t want you to get spooked by me. But you probably will respond. You seem nice. Strange but nice.

Please don't give up on me, okay?

I don’t quite understand why you didn’t respond to my email? But now it’s pretty pointless since I’m not in a crisis anymore and we have a session this week. Friday evening is a kinda strange time to do a session. But then again I did them on Saturdays at one place. I wonder if that therapist went in specifically for me since I was considered “high risk” in 2011. The Saturday sessions didn’t last very long.

Dear T,
I now have 4 separate email drafts to you. Yet, something is keeping me from sending any of them. Maybe I'll see what I feel like later.

I think maybe I know none of them fully express what I'm feeling right now--which is some sort of paternal longing, from some of what you said and what we discussed. And it's like I'm afraid if I express that, you'll pull way back. So I'm just trying to see if it passes.

Love,
LT

Friday feels like a long time away... sitting with all these things I've been thinking about... you said that you're growing me up... I suppose part of that is me sitting with this stuff instead of sending you an email so you'll hold it for me, huh...

Thanks for replying to my email even if it took a few days and the crisis was over. You do seem to be really caring.

I'm going to miss your 2D Zoom face.

I am 99% sure it is fine that we clearly love each other dearly and that both of us feel an unusual depth of connection. We have our eye on it and it doesn't impede the work. There is a nagging doubt that it's okay though T. That 1% that thinks that perhaps we can't think as objectively about it as we convince ourselves we do.

Thank you for yesterday's appointment. You handled my being angry with you last week really well. Thank you for allowing me to voice what happened so in depth. You asked lots of questions to better understand what happened so to better be able to avoid doing it again. Allowing me to ask a lot of questions to understand my reactions was hugely appreciated. So while last week was horrible, we had a very productive discussion this week

“But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage".

Viktor Frankl

A new version of one of my favourite songs.

Walls - Dawes (Tom Petty cover)

This track always meant a lot to me, but following what happened in 2016...

Still dealing with the aftermath, as you know.

Help me take the walls down a little further?

I have the urge to set up a therapy playlist and share it with you or play the songs in session? I would know how to do this if you were an iPhone user since I use Apple Music but alas. I’m too risk adverse to buy phones on eBay like you.

I’m thinking back to that night now, and I was really low. You and my friend saved my life that night. Now that the sting of all of that has diminished somewhat, I’m looking back at everything and trying to appreciate how special that all was. What I really needed was someone to care. You showed how much you did in your actions, and I’ll be eternally grateful. I still struggle with shame around all of it, but I’m trying to remind myself that I’m worth it. I’m worth healing.

You told me to call you if things were still really bad. I called, but only found out that you're out today. I wish you wouldn't have told me to call you.

we are scheduled for friday still, right? why can't i remember if we confirmed that or not before i left last week? maybe because i'm not sleeping very well again. 3 nights in a row tossing and turning and pacing the house at 2 am. i can't believe the pool at the gym is closed now too. has been closed since sunday. that's why i'm not sleeping, i haven't been able to swim since saturday. grr. what are the chances that the pool in my little subdivision has been broken and closed for like 6 months, and now the gym i joined so i could swim again, their pool is also now closed for maintenance since Sunday? what power is it that doesn't want me to swim?!