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nottrustin
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Default Mar 17, 2021 at 11:51 AM
  #41
When we have those intense painful appointments that makes me feel full of shame it makes me want to push you away after yet also want to seek out reassure that I am okay and you do not feel same horrible things about me that I feel. You are so caring and compassionate in the appointments but once we log off the computer it all goes away. You encourage me text if I need to but I also know part of how you are practicing self care right now often means you are turning you phone off on the days you do not work. So you will not receive it for a few days. So that is not helpful to me

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Default Mar 17, 2021 at 01:21 PM
  #42
Dear T,
A couple years ago, I imagine I'd have reacted to that "people I care about" comment very differently. You also wouldn't have realized what you said, how it came out wrong, and corrected it a few seconds later (especially without my saying anything). I'd have emailed you about it, possibly asked for an extra session. You would likely have been confused as to why it bothered me. And that would have maybe led to a rupture. Our relationship has come a long way, and we've both contributed to that, with a lot of work on either side.

I think another reason that your comment didn't bother me so much is that it's obvious that you care about me. Even if you don't say the words. You show it through your actions and also what feels like dedication. It takes a lot more effort to be there for me, to do your best to meet my needs (within your boundaries) than to say a few words.

Love,

LT

PS: This comment does not guarantee that I won't suddenly start thinking about it more tonight and potentially email you...But even if I did, the email would be very different from what I said a couple years ago. Actually, I guess the whole "I care about you" thing is what led to the one time I've called you (breaking your rule) and left a sobbing message on your voicemail. And then you ultimately charged me for the emails/texts that resulted from that. I think you'd have handled it differently now.
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Default Mar 17, 2021 at 02:04 PM
  #43
Dear T, we have a lot to discuss on Saturday. I feel fragile now though. So maybe go gently. Thanks, Kit

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Default Mar 17, 2021 at 03:25 PM
  #44
That was a mess.
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Default Mar 17, 2021 at 09:18 PM
  #45
Ugh, T. I can't stop thinking about what I said to you. I want to take it back.
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Default Mar 18, 2021 at 05:41 AM
  #46
I wish I could keep feeling close to you.
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Default Mar 18, 2021 at 06:39 AM
  #47
Well that was short-lived. I'm not handling things at ALL right now. Been awake since 2am feel like I'm about to hyperventilate and I can't talk to h about it because as he told me Tuesday morning, he can't handle it. I don't know what to do with this fear and regret. I feel like I'm losing it. I'm so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I should have fought SO much harder. Now it feels like all is lost. And now I have to wait til tomorrow to see you because I was doubly-stupid in turning down your offer of seeing you today. I'm certainly a world-class idiot, aren't I? Does that come with a plaque or something? I feel like it should come with a plaque.


Why can't I let go of this incessant worry? WHY???? It doesn't fix, change, or solve ANYTHING. Yet I can't let it go. I can't. I hold onto it so tightly like it's saving my ****ing life when instead, what it's actually doing is slowly killing me. And even KNOWING that isn't enough to make me let it go.

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Default Mar 18, 2021 at 01:44 PM
  #48
After you apologized about the delay in starting the session you asked me how I was feeling.

That is my favorite question to be asked by a therapist. I have no idea why though.

So far except for the age difference you seem similar to old T.

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Default Mar 18, 2021 at 04:19 PM
  #49
Thank you again for understanding every little thing. I want to send you the lyrics to the Neil Young song, but I don't want to push my music onto you.

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Default Mar 18, 2021 at 06:02 PM
  #50
Awww, thank you SO much for texting to check on me and say see you tomorrow. That felt so good. And thanks for the air hugs! I appreciate you tons.

(And of course now, 2 days later I feel like I was totally overreacting on Tuesday when I texted. I was so in the grip of... whatever that was...)


And then the dream I had last night - you are SO going to laugh when I tell it.

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Default Mar 18, 2021 at 06:54 PM
  #51
I have your email now but you told me you don’t allow contact besides a brief summary of what I want to talk about. I don’t know. I probably won’t bother at all. I just read 2 journals of mine from 2007 and 2008. I didn’t know I had such strong sensory issues back then. I thought that was just discussed mainly with my old T. But basically sensory has been a huge part. I was reading parts in my journal where I’d be passed out on the cold floor because it felt so good sensory wise. I also read about a time where I put ketchup on everything including chocolate chip pancakes.

Weird the stuff I’ve forgotten. Although I do kind of remember now taking a lot of naps on the floor. But they were vague memories.

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Default Mar 19, 2021 at 11:14 AM
  #52
I miss you and wish we had another session today.

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Default Mar 19, 2021 at 03:06 PM
  #53
Dear T,
Unsure whether the grenade will go off or not... I think we discussed some important stuff, but you know that one aspect of what we talked about, the forgiveness, is a really difficult topic for me. I really wish it had been a Monday or Wednesday session instead of Friday. Especially because I'd feel worse if I ended up emailing you tonight/tomorrow vs. a workday.


And this is really stupid and pathetic, but part of me wished you'd actually confirmed in there that of course you care. You said something sort of implying it, and I know I said that I don't need the words, that your actions show it. But damn it, I still want the words sometimes... Part of me wants to say that for you, but maybe if you still refused to say that, I'd feel worse. But like I said, the anxious side of my anxious attachment was triggered by the realization that I sort of accepted your caring without your saying it.


So perhaps you'll get an email about that instead. Or the stuff with my mom. Or something else entirely.

Love,
LT
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Default Mar 19, 2021 at 04:39 PM
  #54
Dear T,
Please be kind to me in your response. Please don't just assert your boundaries. I'm not asking you for the L-word, FFS. And yes, there is something to accepting someone as who they are, including their boundaries. But I think there is also something to be said for expressing one's wants/needs, right? If you can just maybe suck it up and give me a "Yes, LT, I care about you," that would hold me for a long time. Even, "I care about your well-being, within the confines of the therapeutic relationship and nothing further" but it might not have quite the same effect...
Love,
LT
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Default Mar 19, 2021 at 04:55 PM
  #55
I have an impulse to email you, but have absolutely no idea to say what I want to say.

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Default Mar 19, 2021 at 07:26 PM
  #56
Hey L, thanks so much for today, wow that was a pretty amazing session I love how you can just get right into the real 'stuff' of my dreams and help me figure out what they're saying. That was funny how you said my dream maker was being tricky or whatever. Yes, it can be like that! I rather get a kick out of your "russian novels" comment about how long and convoluted my dreams used to be. I mean it's true haha.
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Default Mar 19, 2021 at 07:46 PM
  #57
I need to know if you ever lose hope in what you do because I'm still there after so long. I hope you don't.
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Default Mar 19, 2021 at 07:46 PM
  #58
Eh, you probably wouldn't tell me anyway.
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Default Mar 19, 2021 at 07:50 PM
  #59
Oh, and it's going to be interesting doing an Active with the rainbow dream. I have honestly never contemplated "talking" to a rainbow before. Hmm.
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Default Mar 19, 2021 at 09:53 PM
  #60
I can't believe I told you that. I've never told another soul. such shame.
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