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Writing my way through...
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: In the desert
Posts: 7,239
(SuperPoster!)
4 5,775 hugs
given |
#581
I swam laps yesterday after work and had a major insight that I will share with you on Friday. And when I say major, I mean the Major with a capital M kind.
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LonesomeTonight, RoxanneToto, SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
(SuperPoster!)
5 117.7k hugs
given |
#582
Dear Dr. K. I like that I don't miss you between sessions. At least not yet. Obviously I still think about you though because I am writing a Dear T to you. Ha. Kit
__________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
LonesomeTonight
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
(SuperPoster!)
5 117.7k hugs
given |
#583
Dear Former T: I wish you would have responded to me. Sometimes you do. Sometimes you don't. Well, most times you don't. But I wish that you would have this time. It would have meant a lot. But I understand. I have no "right" to get anything from you. I know you are practicing again. Sometimes I wish you would have said it was okay for me to come and see you again. But you probably know best. Love you forever. Kit
__________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
LonesomeTonight, Mystical_Being
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Magnate
Member Since Feb 2016
Location: England
Posts: 2,408
8 1,316 hugs
given |
#584
Ok, so in order to help me try and manage these feelings I contacted old T. Wonder what she'll say. Just kind of need someone that knows and understands right now. I hope she is there. 5 weeks is a long time, on top of the two we've just done. We broke for longer for Covid but that was agreed? And it didn't bring up all these feelings for you. Worry. Unknown. Out of control. Wanting to sit outside your house and try and glean what's happened. That isn't healthy, for either of us! I'll do my best and give you the space and time to deal with your life, but in the meantime I have to deal with mine too. And this is one way for me to do that... I think?
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LonesomeTonight, Mystical_Being, RoxanneToto, SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
(SuperPoster!)
5 117.7k hugs
given |
#585
Dear Ex-T: I think I made the right decision by stopping seeing you. I don't even miss you. We didn't have that "click" or "connection". Kit
__________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
LonesomeTonight
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,768
(SuperPoster!)
9 75k hugs
given |
#586
Dear T,
I really hope meeting in person outside Friday or Monday will work out. I wish I'd started discussing that earlier in session, because I want to know if you'd be OK if, say, it was drizzling a bit. I mean, I'd be content to stand out there holding umbrellas, but I feel that would be a lot to expect from you. Especially as you'd presumably need to see clients after me and wouldn't want to be all wet. I'm just at the place where I feel like I just want to see you in person, even just for an occasional session, even if conditions are less than ideal. I hope that could somehow happen, even if not in the next week, by the end of the month. Of course, I'd rather meet in your office, but... Love, LT |
Echos Myron redux, SlumberKitty, Waterbear
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Member
Member Since Aug 2019
Location: The World
Posts: 278
4 16 hugs
given |
#587
You say something that surely you knew would trigger me. I break down, sob for most of the session to the point of retching and very nearly vomiting and then when I finally start to calm down, your response is to say you didn’t mean to trigger me and you didn’t want that to happen but there’s no point in dwelling on it. WTF???? Do you actually give a flying f*** that you really really hurt me and caused me a huge amount of pain and essentially re-enacted a traumatic experience that I have told you about. Don’t dwell on it???!! You might be able to just move past it but I’m afraid I can’t you utter b*st*rd.
I need to get out of this ‘therapeutic’ relationship as it’s become toxic and harmful. You are not skilled enough to work with people with complex trauma, in fact you are utterly clueless. But l I don’t know how to leave without causing unbelievable pain to the child parts that have become so attached to you and retraumatising them by yet again losing an attachment figure that was supposed to care about them. Suicidal thoughts extremely active tonight, not that you would even care. |
Lonelyinmyheart, LonesomeTonight, Mystical_Being, RoxanneToto, SlumberKitty
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Quietmind 2
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Member
Member Since Aug 2019
Location: The World
Posts: 278
4 16 hugs
given |
#588
You know what why the f*** should I pay for that session. You triggered me and should have known better. You sat there for 35 minutes in pretty much silence doing buggar all except for opening the window and slurping from your water container. You made no attempt to help me calm down or repair any of the damage you had caused. Why should I have to pay for that experience? You get my money for causing me pain and doing pretty much nothing all session. You can f*** right off.
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Echos Myron redux, Lonelyinmyheart, LonesomeTonight, Mystical_Being, RoxanneToto, SlumberKitty
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Quietmind 2
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jun 2016
Location: Where the sidewalk ends
Posts: 36,235
(SuperPoster!)
7 8,783 hugs
given |
#589
I wish today that you had made me feel better instead of worse. I think I weird you out a bit too though.
__________________ Ridin' with Biden |
LonesomeTonight, Mystical_Being, SlumberKitty
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 2,161
6 1,834 hugs
given |
#590
Why is it the attachment so ridiculously strong at the moment.. it's a paradox that I want to tell you about my overwhelming desire to be in constant contact with you, and how I think that it's better that I'm not, am the only way to tell you that is to email you, and then I think my desire to tell you that is actually part of the desire to be in constant contact with you, and not actually about wanting to tell you it.
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ArtieTheSequal, chihirochild, Lemoncake, LonesomeTonight, Mystical_Being, SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jun 2016
Location: Where the sidewalk ends
Posts: 36,235
(SuperPoster!)
7 8,783 hugs
given |
#591
I think you notice that I’m uncomfortable around you. So I wonder if you’ll switch me to someone else. And I’d be fine with that honestly.
__________________ Ridin' with Biden |
Mystical_Being, SlumberKitty
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Tweaky Dog
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,799
12 3,133 hugs
given |
#592
Hi R,
I found out this afternoon that one of my favourite mental health advocates is gone. He kept me steady between times. I am gutted. Love, Lost __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
LonesomeTonight, Mystical_Being, RoxanneToto, SlumberKitty
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2014
Location: PNW
Posts: 1,394
10 106 hugs
given |
#593
My new insurance only pays for 45 minute therapy sessions, so that's what I'm getting. I understand this. But 45 minutes feels short. Couldn't we just go 55 minutes like we used to and not tell the insurance company?
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LonesomeTonight, Mystical_Being, RoxanneToto, SlumberKitty
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Luna's offical mini me.
Member Since May 2017
Location: Cafe Nervosa.
Posts: 9,700
(SuperPoster!)
6 10.2k hugs
given |
#594
I lied. I would have turned up to a session if you had offered one for this week. Surprised you haven't checked your emails in 48h.
My heart is aching and feels so heavy . 13 days to my last exam. __________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing." |
ArtieTheSequal, Echos Myron redux, LonesomeTonight, Mystical_Being, RoxanneToto, SlumberKitty
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Tweaky Dog
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,799
12 3,133 hugs
given |
#595
How many times must I redraw the map of what my support system looks like?
I trust people, they turn out to be arseholes, or leave...my life, or the world. __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
ArtieTheSequal, LonesomeTonight, Lostislost, Mystical_Being, RoxanneToto, SlumberKitty
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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701
(SuperPoster!)
4 23.7k hugs
given |
#596
I'm feeling pretty much disheartened about therapy at this point. It's certainly helped me with communication with my husband, but I don't see that it's helped in any other way, particularly. I'm not stopping, but in part I wish I could gracefully slide out of the situation. Maybe it'll be better when we're meeting in person. Maybe.
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ArtieTheSequal, LonesomeTonight, Lostislost, Mystical_Being, RoxanneToto, SlumberKitty
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 2,161
6 1,834 hugs
given |
#597
How's this email experiment working for you? Am I emailing too much? Is it okay for you not to respond? It's working well for me, even though I miss you.
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ArtieTheSequal, chihirochild, Lemoncake, LonesomeTonight, Lostislost, Mystical_Being, SlumberKitty
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Lemoncake
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,768
(SuperPoster!)
9 75k hugs
given |
#598
Dear T,
I suppose it's probably good we didn't meet outside the coffee shop today because I ended up crying about your loss of Fish (and also about some other things). Though crying about a fish outside of a coffee shop in the rain seems particularly poetic. In fact, hm...perhaps I should try writing some sort of story or poem involving that. Yeah, like the fish living in water, the water from the rain and my tears. You were also very validating about a few things today, including something I'd been concerned about, so I appreciate that. I hope we can meet in person Monday, even if it will be outside and hot. Love, LT |
ArtieTheSequal, Echos Myron redux, Lostislost, SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jun 2016
Location: Where the sidewalk ends
Posts: 36,235
(SuperPoster!)
7 8,783 hugs
given |
#599
I’m trying to figure out how to tell you I want to see someone else without making you feel like you did something wrong or are a bad therapist. Because you did make me feel uncomfortable during most of our sessions. But it really has nothing to do with you yourself as a person, it’s just your personality I seem to clash with and don’t understand. But I don’t want to hurt your feelings. But I’ve stayed with therapists for years because I thought things would work out and it never did. I don’t want to get hurt again.
__________________ Ridin' with Biden |
ArtieTheSequal, LonesomeTonight, Lostislost, RoxanneToto, SlumberKitty
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Quietmind 2
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Writing my way through...
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: In the desert
Posts: 7,239
(SuperPoster!)
4 5,775 hugs
given |
#600
Thanks for today. As disjointed and distracted as I felt, after the fact thinking about it this evening, I feel like we somehow managed to piece together a pretty darn good conversation anyway. I'm not sure if I want to try the every 2 weeks thing again or take a break for awhile. I mean this animus stuff is super interesting, but it's also a bit intense.
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LonesomeTonight, Lostislost, SlumberKitty
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