Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

LonesomeTonight · Jun 30, 2021 at 01:16 PM

Dear T,
It felt nice that you seemed concerned about my health. And maybe a bit worried, even. And good to know that I can talk about whatever with you without fear of grossing you out.

Though, do you "do no. 2" with the door open at home with your wife there? Because...that seems like a little *too* comfortable! And also gave me a mental image that I would like to delete...

Love,
LT

ETA: OK, that one thing you said to me about what the doctor may have thought, where I "probably looked like x" feels a little weird, but I'm sure you didn't mean anything by it.

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 01, 2021 at 06:26 AM

Thank you for not using the word 'brave'.

You know I have a hard time with it. You felt I was being 'courageous' today, but I was aware of just how hard I am trying to hold it together.

I'm dreading asking you my other big question next week, but I have to ask.

Your use of 'used to' is still troubling to me.

Waterbear · Jul 01, 2021 at 07:43 AM

I love you and I can't wait to see you.

I think I realised one of a few reasons this hit me so hard... Because of what I had planned to show you our next session. Because of what I had wanted to show you when we last met.

I have had to carry that alone. No wonder this has f***ed with my head.

RoxanneToto · Jul 01, 2021 at 10:13 AM

I hope we can meet tomorrow, but I’ll be ok with the outcome either way. What I’d like to do isn’t necessarily the right thing to do, and I’d prefer to do the thing I’ll regret least. I know these are ‘exceptional’ circumstances but I’m still grateful you said it would be ok to cancel at short notice if I had to, because I honestly hate doing things like that.
Mum mentioned something about possibly seeing a grief counsellor when I got home, which I think would be really good for her, even if they didn’t go into depth about the other stuff (though for me, it seems kind of an inevitability). I have mixed feelings, nothing strong but I’m not quite as ‘ok’ as I thought I might be. It does help knowing I’ll see you soon either way. The stuff I want to say can’t be said to family, not that I want to, but I need to say it to someone.

Mountaindewed · Jul 01, 2021 at 12:45 PM

I was reading this thing online about how you can move forward but moving on is difficult and it’s often the connection and familiarity you miss with someone. But you don’t necessarily miss the person themselves. I know with my old T it would be bad to go back to her and I don’t miss her as much as I miss that trust I had with her and how I was able to tell her things that no one else knew and she understood and accepted them. But I don’t think it’s her herself that I miss. I just hope the next T is decent.

I’m honestly wondering if I miss the transference more then anything else about her. And how much I wanted her to care and be worried about me and how much the telesessions screwed me over. I mean maybe I really do just miss the transference.

My last T, the one I met with who was weird, was always asking how I was feeling and she’d stop the session to ask if I was ok. But it just wasn’t the same as it was when my old T would do those things.

velcro003 · Jul 01, 2021 at 01:01 PM

Hi T. I haven’t heard from you and i can only think of the worst. I hope i am not right.

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 01, 2021 at 04:24 PM

'I've been searching for something
Taken out of my soul
Something I'd never lose,
Something somebody stole...'

After our conversation today, my favourite Billy Joel song takes on new meaning.
You're right, of course. I have experienced a lot of loss.

If we both know it's true, why does it still smart to hear that reflected back?

I wish I could look at you more during these conversations - I think that would make it easier somehow...but it might make it harder.

You are still far away. (Just for now, I hope.)

velcro003 · Jul 01, 2021 at 09:20 PM

Ugh, I am so worried about you/your H. I keep telling myself that just because I haven't heard from you doesn't necessarily mean The Worst, but as each hour and day that passes, I assume The Worst.

*Beth* · Jul 02, 2021 at 10:15 AM

FINALLY we will be meeting face-to-face next week! 14 months of teletherapy, and I am entirely burned out on it. I feel like dancing in the street! And it was sweet, how you promised we'll get to hug

Mountaindewed · Jul 02, 2021 at 11:29 AM

I meet with my new T on Monday. I’m really nervous. Luckily she is at a different office then the last T so I won’t have to awkwardly run into her. If my new T can just help me get over that one therapist I talk about nonstop then that would be more then enough to help me deal with these emotions.

Lemoncake · Jul 02, 2021 at 04:07 PM

Today's session was actually pretty good, but I'll let you know about arranging another session.

The small price increase still does adds up.

I also emailed the charity saying i don't want a second support session.

With Louise I'm also thinking of cancelling/ rescheduling to the following week.

velcro003 · Jul 02, 2021 at 05:28 PM

PHEW. Thank you so much for texting to let me know everything is okay, and then calling me after work to talk to me a bit before your vacation. I really appreciate it, and I hope you have a fun week

ArtieTheSequal · 09:36 PM

Thanks for today. That was pretty incredible, wasn't it? I will do some more work with the nightmare now that I opened the way for it with the sand tray. I wish I could have stayed longer and just kept working that stuff with you. But, I will keep working it at home, no doubt about that. That nightmare really got its hooks in me, you know? It's not letting me go, is working me as much as I am working it.

p.s. I really wanted to hug you before I left. I wonder if you could tell.

p.p.s. thanks for texting after. i enjoyed that little exchange.

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 03, 2021 at 10:30 AM

Hi R,

Difficult night last night - you're going to get a pretty Vulnerable email on Tuesday.
That's if I don't delete it first. I think it's part of an ongoing conversation, though.

Reconfiguring my tiny support system takes its toll.

I suppose we'll have to talk about it, but I've warned you that it won't be an easy conversation.

ArtieTheSequal · Jul 03, 2021 at 01:24 PM

Hi again. I had another vivid dream last night, will spend some time working with it today. I'm going to go bake that loaf of bread I mentioned yesterday now, maybe i'll send you a pic when it's done.

Thank you for pushing me, and for knowing just when to do so.

Mountaindewed · Jul 03, 2021 at 02:59 PM

I don’t know if I just have a “type” but I kind of feel like I’m trying to turn my new T into my old one. Despite not even meeting with her yet. Which could just be a disaster. I mean they do sort of look the same and are the same age…

I just hope that last unprofessional one doesn’t try to intervene. I’m not sure she can if I don’t give her permission to talk to her. But she may try. I really regret letting my last T’s talk to each other. It kinda screwed me over a bit in the end.

LonesomeTonight · Jul 03, 2021 at 03:51 PM

Dear T,
You'll have your work cut out for you next week...I'm doing my best to resist reading more in the journals. Though I'm pretty sure these two poems are what I showed the teacher. Part of me wants to share them with you. Just to give a sense of my mindset at the time. Or maybe read a journal entry or two? But maybe you'd question the therapeutic value of that? But I think some part of me feels that some of my writing from that time will help sort of unlock some stuff we need to explore. Like fill in some missing pieces.

Also...I had completely blocked out that I'd started listening to Queen because he liked them. It colors things a bit differently for me. I suppose I just thought it was a random thing that I'd gotten into them at that time?

Wish I could talk to you tomorrow, but this isn't an urgent thing, so I wouldn't ask or even send an email. I'll be OK and will just talk to you Monday. Really glad it's not this week that you'll be away though!

Love,
LT

Waterbear · Jul 03, 2021 at 05:37 PM

The date of our session is getting closer. Just over one week to go. I'm trying not to worry about it. Just to let the thoughts come and then go. That's going quite well which is fantastic.

I've come a long long way, because I do believe it will be ok. That doesn't mean I am not worried, or nervous, but they are just little feelings, not massive ones anymore.

Whether I bring my teddy and have you read to me and we do some of the dreamcatchers, or whether I give you the letter to read and start to think about the writing I was hoping to show you in the near future, I believe that we will find a way.

See you soon. Please keep safe until then, and let's hope nothing else happens to potentially derail things again.

Love you, and miss you xx

Mountaindewed · Jul 04, 2021 at 05:18 PM

I’m wondering what to wear tomorrow. I’m thinking of wearing my camouflage pants from H&M and a plain black Fruit Of The Loom shirt. As for shoes I’m not sure. But probably just my black and white Vans if I can find them easily.

Is it weird that I’m thinking of what to wear to our first session? I did it with my last 2 therapists. I can even remember what I wore.

velcro003 · Jul 04, 2021 at 08:31 PM

You really are the best. Talk to you next week.

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

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Waterbear Magnate Member Since Feb 2016 Location: England Posts: 2,408 8 1,316 hugs given	Jul 01, 2021 at 07:43 AM #743 I love you and I can't wait to see you. I think I realised one of a few reasons this hit me so hard... Because of what I had planned to show you our next session. Because of what I had wanted to show you when we last met. I have had to carry that alone. No wonder this has f***ed with my head.

velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	Jul 01, 2021 at 01:01 PM #746 Hi T. I haven’t heard from you and i can only think of the worst. I hope i am not right.

velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	Jul 01, 2021 at 09:20 PM #748 Ugh, I am so worried about you/your H. I keep telling myself that just because I haven't heard from you doesn't necessarily mean The Worst, but as each hour and day that passes, I assume The Worst.

Beth catches the flowers Member Since Jul 2019 Location: Downtown Vibes, California Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!) 4 23.7k hugs given	Jul 02, 2021 at 10:15 AM #749 FINALLY we will be meeting face-to-face next week! 14 months of teletherapy, and I am entirely burned out on it. I feel like dancing in the street! And it was sweet, how you promised we'll get to hug __________________

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,225 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,779 hugs given	Jul 02, 2021 at 11:29 AM #750 I meet with my new T on Monday. I’m really nervous. Luckily she is at a different office then the last T so I won’t have to awkwardly run into her. If my new T can just help me get over that one therapist I talk about nonstop then that would be more then enough to help me deal with these emotions. __________________ Ridin' with Biden

velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	Jul 02, 2021 at 05:28 PM #752 PHEW. Thank you so much for texting to let me know everything is okay, and then calling me after work to talk to me a bit before your vacation. I really appreciate it, and I hope you have a fun week

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,239 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,774 hugs given	Jul 03, 2021 at 01:24 PM #755 Hi again. I had another vivid dream last night, will spend some time working with it today. I'm going to go bake that loaf of bread I mentioned yesterday now, maybe i'll send you a pic when it's done. Thank you for pushing me, and for knowing just when to do so.

velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	Jul 04, 2021 at 08:31 PM #760 You really are the best. Talk to you next week.