Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I missed transference T a bit this morning. I don’t remember what triggered the thoughts. So I drank 2 mugs of my Lipton blue fruit black tea that reminds me of her. And then I ate a mint Aero candy bar which also reminds me of her. I’m not sure if this behavior is healthy or not. I mean the tea is actually quite healthy and I only had one candy bar which I budgeted into my calories for the day. I guess there’s other more unhealthy ways to deal with these thoughts.

Dear T,
It really hurt that you said you regretted going back to in-person. Yes, it was because you may need to switch back soon, and you said you didn't want it to be a yo-yo thing. But it still really hurts. Because it feels like you regretted being able to see me in person. And at the end of session today, it sort of felt like you were backing away from me, even though I had put on my mask per the rules. But it just felt like we hadn't actually said goodbye, so I was pausing at the door to do that.

That's why I asked about your availability. I could meet with you virtually if it makes you feel more comfortable. Really, I wonder if I should just go back to that anyway, instead of thinking each in-person session might be our last because you keep saying stuff about the numbers heading in the wrong direction. I felt connected in the virtual session Sunday, then very disconnected today. (After feeling connected in person last week.) Maybe it's not worth the stress to do in person while it lasts. And maybe you''ll be relieved that there's one less client to potentially give you the plague (even though you know I'm really careful and have said so, how I'm not one of the clients you're worried about in terms of potential exposure).

--LT

ETA: This is really abandonment fears coming out. And feeling like you fear I'll contaminate you. And...other stuff.

UGH, T. Now we might have to wait another week as I was somewhat closely exposed to covid this week. I have to let you know and see if you feel safe seeing me on Thursday. Probably not

One more sleep! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

I think what you said about masks was interesting, and you’re probably right. Sometimes I really wish everyone we knew could have truly seen behind the curtain, so to speak, but what then? Nothing would have improved, because the orchestrator(s?) would have refused to accept responsibility and make things right, but the petty side of me might have subsequently enjoyed seeing the world burn. Consequences!

I'm hacked off that I have to hold this latest addition to my experience for the next couple of weeks. If there's one thing I didn't need to know, it's how he did what he did.

Dear T,
Today's half-session really helped me understand. Thank you. It means a lot that it's more that you're concerned about possibly infecting me (and then D) than vice versa. Gotta say, I was a little concerned that you kept clearing your throat and coughing occasionally, especially after you mentioned having been at an event Monday where you were one of few people wearing a mask. And how it had only been 10 days since you'd been back from vacation.

I'm trying to figure out how to process that comment you made on how much you share with me about your decision making process. Your phrasing was just...interesting.

And I appreciate your letting me wait until the morning of to decide about in-person vs. virtual. Currently leaning toward virtual for Friday, but we'll see...

Love,
LT

I had this strange dream last night where I almost wanted? To have romantic feelings with my current therapist. But when I woke up I did not feel any romantic feelings for her. I wish I knew why I had such strong feelings for my transference therapist but I don’t feel anything for my current therapist. It’s just confusing. My transference T was the first therapist I had a crush on since my high school therapist in 2011. But it’s almost like I want to be attracted to my current t but I’m just not. It’s weird.

Edit: thanks T for responding to the email I sent on Monday. But the email didn’t make me feel any other emotion except I feel like I have your support.

Although you always focus on the anxiety part and I guess that’s why you said in our second session that you can really only help me with my anxiety and not the other stuff.

Thinking, thinking, thinking this morning.

I don't always know what to make of our therapy, T. That's not a bad thing, I just feel like I am left trying to work a lot of stuff out. It was nice to be back in person today.

I can't believe we've been doing this for almost 10 years. That's just, wow. Ten YEARS. That's like 1/6th of my entire LIFE. It has been in turn difficult, amazing, heart-breaking, interesting, depressing, fun... but overall the best thing I have ever done for myself hands down. I guess I've always known that and that's why I keep coming back every time I try to quit prematurely. Thanks for never, ever saying "go away" and for your incredible patience with me.

Dear T. I still miss you. I still hope that you will come back.

Dear Old T. Please please please get back to me soon. Are you struggling to find someone? I know I am....

I guess I should appreciate our session tomorrow isn't cancelled, still sucks it'll be only over phone. Stupid Covid.

Dear T,
Do I tell you that I'm bothered that you apparently weren't being as careful as you'd suggested you were being? You presented one picture to me before, but then what you described regarding the event Monday (and apparently other ones you've attended or will attend) seemed much higher risk (though at least you and your family wore a mask, even if no one else did). Plus you were coughing and clearing your throat some--kinda glad today wasn't in person, or that would have made me much more anxious.

I think I'm going to do next session virtually mostly for the reason that I feel a bit less safe in terms of your risk level. And if I'm sitting in session feeling uncomfortable about risk, I think that would take away from what I'd be able to get done in the session. That I'd be distracted and/or anxious.

Maybe I'll see what I'm feeling for next week, if you still are seeing clients in person then. (But maybe wait until the end of the week if I were to go in person, just in case you caught something Monday...) Or maybe I just plan for virtual and figure we can meet for an outdoor session at some point in September?

Love,
LT

Do you think we will get anything good out of the phone session tomorrow. I completely understand why, but if i’m being honest, i am disappointed. maybe i’ll come back and say it went better than expected, or maybe it will go down in flames.

I miss you since I moved 18 hours away. Thank you for replying to my email update - it's good to know that you want to hear from me from time to time

T, I wasn't sick yesterday. I can't permit this.... this thing to be seen by you. It disgusts and revolts me. It is unfit for humanity. It deserves nothing.

I won't subject you to that.

I am sorry you have invested so much time and effort for nothing.

Dear T,

Having a bad day today. I can't get my head around the fact that you aren't there anymore. That I may never again be able to talk to you. That you won't help me to finish this work with Teenage One. That you have left me to figure out how to navigate this crazy world without you.

I wish I knew what was going on for you. I wish I knew what had happened to cause all of this. I wish I could understand how this has happened, how you can't see that this needs an ending.

It just doesn't make any sense!

Sat under my blanket hiding from the world.

I miss you so much, and the only way I am feeling some sort of connection to you is by checking my WhatsApp and seeing what time you last logged on. Imagining you on your phone.

You said that you would leave the light on for Teenage One. Her response? Great, only problem is, no-one is home.

I'm anxious about my session today. I'm having such difficulty with describing how I'm feeling. You keep telling me I'm stable, yet I feel down.