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Quietmind 2
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Default Apr 13, 2021 at 01:55 AM
  #221
T,

Triggers galore. I thought I had skillfully managed that therapy homework item by seeking help from people who would understand why I needed verses paraphrased, and validate the religious abuse.

Then there were other triggers from other places, catching me unexpectedly. Someone's fear of their sibling perpetrator ignited mine.

Then a disagreement between 2 friends I value, both with their own religious trauma. Back to being triggered horribly. Calmed down, had a discussion. Thought I was OK. Boom, pain and more pain. Talked to partner, calmed down. Then overwhelming anguish at a glimpse of how my parents betrayed what should have been a good faith, crushed my spirit, creating this split of inside me.

Then a friend sharing vulnerable fears which I relate to so very much. More than words can say. I don't feel you'd genuinely understand on a visceral level because I don't think you've lived it. You'd understand as a therapist working with complex trauma stemming from childhood and attachment injury, but you probably never felt that all consuming terror of loss, of being utterly betrayed by parents that you had to dissociate or go insane.
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Default Apr 13, 2021 at 12:07 PM
  #222
Hey. I know that when I asked recently if you think I am too dependent on you, you said "No" but I don't think I believed you and I guess I still don't. If I wasn't afraid you were serious about that question I would probably even call to say I don't want to come this week. I honestly want to run far, far away from you/therapy right now.
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Default Apr 13, 2021 at 02:17 PM
  #223
Dear New T (Dr K) Please don't look at my paperwork and make quick judgements about me. Please don't think there's going to be a quick fix either. I saw on your practice's website something about brief therapy. I need someone there when I'm in crisis and I need to work on substantial things when I am not in crisis. Please be a good T for me. Thanks, Kit

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Default Apr 13, 2021 at 02:19 PM
  #224
Dear T: I feel really effed up after writing down all my medications and my diagnoses for the new psychologist. I can't tell you this in person because I haven't told you I am interviewing psychologists. I know you wouldn't care but I still sort of wish I could tell you about it. Kit

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Default Apr 13, 2021 at 04:50 PM
  #225
I feel yuck and ick. Part of it is allergies and partly that I've been lying in bed all day and not exercising.

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Default Apr 13, 2021 at 08:02 PM
  #226
I have to say the last 2 sessions with the tech issues have made what has seem like mostly a waste of time even more of a waste of time. I know it is not your fault. Maybe we should just cancel those sessions. I don't know.
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Default Apr 13, 2021 at 09:09 PM
  #227
Hi T. I have this fear suddenly that something terrible happened to you on vacation, or your family and I'll never know. Friday feels so far away.
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Default Apr 13, 2021 at 11:50 PM
  #228
T,

Are you going to punish me for those emails?
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Attention Apr 14, 2021 at 01:57 AM
  #229
i understand you said what you did to provide info /a heads-up. but it way back fired with me. saying more T's left and you were "dumped" with more clients......
well that is just making me doubt myself and just 'backing' away. i don't want to be a bother or take up space that others should use!

[so instead of reaching out to you now, i'm going deeper into the cave - oh well]
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Default Apr 14, 2021 at 02:47 AM
  #230
Today I have let the small scared part choose what we’re wearing and she’s chosen rainbow dungarees, and they have a big enough pocket to take the baby whale with us which I’m really hoping will help with how frightened she is about taking R to the gym class. I’m trying to tell her I’ll be there too and I will hold her hand and protect her and I’m hoping it’s enough to prevent a switch and a meltdown, I want to be able to do this today so badly. R will be so happy if I manage to take him. I think you would be proud of me, maybe I will tell you tomorrow. The whale will keep us safe until then.
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Default Apr 14, 2021 at 02:55 AM
  #231
Ugh, I can't sleep. Had awful nightmares last night. Maybe I'm subconsciously resisting sleep to avoid the unpleasantness.

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Default Apr 14, 2021 at 12:37 PM
  #232
Made it to my favourite place today. I felt my shoulders assume a normal position for the first time in over a year. Feeling like I can handle whatever waves may come tomorrow.

Still looking forward to speaking with you on the 22nd, though.

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Default Apr 14, 2021 at 01:12 PM
  #233
I’m feeling angry and resentful tonight, not at you, but you’re helping me process it and put it into words finally. It still feels too big to handle on my own sometimes. Like an amorphous creature that wants to be let out, there’s parts of it I still don’t know what to do with. I wish I could drop it off with you for a few hours, like a daycare service for negative emotions lol.
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Default Apr 14, 2021 at 01:46 PM
  #234
Dear R,

I'm so very sad right now.

Total study time for today 3h.23 mins.Exam in one week from tomorrow and i know I haven't been at the top of my game.

£445 saved though.

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Default Apr 14, 2021 at 01:47 PM
  #235
I wish you knew how much I need you right now. I am not coping.
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Default Apr 14, 2021 at 08:20 PM
  #236
I love you and stuff but I'm beginning to think that maybe you have been wrong all this time, in saying that I'm not broken. Because I am broken, L and I can't fight it anymore. trigger for religion
Possible trigger:
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Default Apr 15, 2021 at 06:54 AM
  #237
I wish I could go on holiday from all this too. I have no idea what to do anymore. I feel so disgusting and I can tell that M doesn't feel good either, but nothing I do helps at all. My eyes are burning. I dreamed that a huge shadowy ghost ship was coming after me last night, and then I was matching up patient details for Broadmoor hospital.

I will understand if you just want to forget about me for a few weeks. I am a nightmare.
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Default Apr 15, 2021 at 07:47 AM
  #238
Dear T,
I'm supposed to call my mom today. Of course, she emailed while I was in the session with you (probably at the exact moment I was saying, "I'm surprised I haven't heard from her since Sunday"). Feeling pretty anxious about it. I'm still trying to decide what I'd be comfortable doing in terms of meeting up with them. And don't know whether I'll actually be able to say any of what we talked about if she gives me pushback or seems insensitive to my anxiety/agoraphobia. I know I can always have that conversation with her later, too, like we discussed. Which makes me a bit less anxious, that it's not like "now or never." But still, anxious.... (well, more anxious that usual).
Love,
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Default Apr 15, 2021 at 10:55 AM
  #239
I was sorry to learn that you are tired of holding the responsibility for my mental health. I was not aware that this dynamic was present in our therapeutic relationship. It hurt to hear you say that.

I feel angry, in part because that’s my knee-jerk response when I feel hurt, and in part because a part of me is going, “isn’t it a therapist’s job to hold some of the responsibility for the mental health of their patients? How was it therapeutic for him to share his resentment towards me? Isn’t this why I am paying this man so much money, much of which is not reimbursed by my insurance?”

Maybe there’s something I can learn here about how to be in relationship with someone when I feel hurt by them (i.e. how to maintain one's sense of self when the other reflects something other than complete approval).

(As an aside, I can’t help but wonder if there’s a part of you that is trying to get me to fire you so that you can get rid of me without having to endure any guilt related to initiating termination yourself — like you’ve said to me before: you’re intelligent; you knew how that comment would land with me.)

I think you were getting at the fact that you continually re-direct me to discuss the difficulties that come up with my BF. Maybe I’m not ready to do that work? Maybe that work is difficult for me because I have BPD? I heard you say that this latter explanatory model is a “cop-out,” but I’m not so sure. Do you get to be annoyed at me for having the very problem for which I’ve come to you for help? Do you get to tell me that there is a right and wrong way to engage with therapy, and that I’m doing it wrong? Christ, T; I’m doing the best I can.

Or maybe I just don’t know what the hell to do with the advice that you give me. When you say things like, “it is important to be curious,” or “you have a habit of engaging in black-and-white-thinking“ I hear and understand those concepts but don’t know how what to do about them I do not feel curious about areas of vulnerability in my relationship with my BF because those areas feel scary and threatening. I can't spontaneously generate curiosity — I know this from my time as a medical student; some topics are just not inherently interesting and I can’t make myself feel interested in them no matter what I do. When I felt like this in medical school, I’d force myself myself to engage with these topics anyway by erecting external scaffolding, creating structure. Should I set a reminder on my phone? Pause at the end of the day and write down three things that went badly in my relationship with my BF, three areas in which I engaged in black-and-white-thinking? I could sit down and make a list about all of the things I like and dislike about my BF and bring that list to session? I am not being sarcastic here; I literally do not know what the f*** to do.

I feel quite bad. My limbs feel leaden and I want to cry all the time. I am trying not to fall apart because my BF doesn’t understand why a disagreement with my therapist would make me so upset. Maybe it shouldn’t. Maybe he should f*** off. I don’t know.
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Default Apr 15, 2021 at 12:42 PM
  #240
I wish I did actually decide to book a session with the other T in advance. He's now booked up until the 27th and only has 4 sessions remaining for that week. I could pretend that I was okay but I'm not. I'm really not sure if seeing you would even help, but I'm trying not to contact you.

Edit:

Just emailed him asking if he had any cancellations for the remainder of this week could he please let me know.

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Last edited by Lemoncake; Apr 15, 2021 at 12:59 PM..
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