Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I'm too tired. I know you don't really love me. I wish you were as interested in me as I am in you. It really hurts.

Dear T,
I didn't feel good about your first email reply. It felt maybe a bit defensive, and you didn't acknowledge my feelings of rejection that I mentioned. I worried that my response was a bit blunt, that you'd either amp up the defensiveness (likely what would have happened, say, 2 years ago) or not reply at all.

But instead, you clarified to let me know that you had been offering me something that you wouldn't usually offer (I misunderstood) and then said a kind word on the abandonment feelings. So I'm glad I sent that email reply to you. Because now I am experiencing your caring and even feel a bit special. Thank you. (And my intention is still to not take you up on that offer--assuming it still stands anyway.)

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Where are you? I need to hear from you. I don't know if I can do this. I feel awful for feeling like this but I feel like I am going out of my mind. I can't slow down or stop these thoughts. I can't stop searching for information. Hours and hours looking for a tiny snippet that might give me some indication of what is going on, but yet I find nothing. All my attempts to distract myself are failing. I am taking care of myself in as such as I am showering, eating and going to work, but honestly that's about the extent of it. Oh, and I am writing my book too, but to be truthful this just means that you are still at the forefront of my mind. Maybe I need to revisit the whole idea of self care. I might have a bath tonight and watch the rest of the sewing bee. That might be a nice thing to do. Leave my phone out of the bathroom too. I just don't know what else to do to get away from it all.

I wonder whether I text you, just a quick check in text on the weekend. Would that be appropriate I wonder? I am debating asking Old T if she thinks it might be appropriate, but I'm a big girl now, I need to make that decision for myself I think.

I really didn't expect to find it this difficult!!

Hoping you are ok. Hoping you are still there. At least I have WhatsApp to check you are still logging in...

Me x

I think today was the most assertive you've been in session with me.

Frankly, I think I need lots of medication and psychoanalysis


But seriously, could we not do a bit more on the psychodynamic side? Only mindfulness, etc. - it's helpful, but until I unconver, have insight into, the deepest issue I don't know how I can get unstuck. I need an Aha! moment.

Thank you so much for getting back to me. I really hope we can talk for a few minutes this afternoon. I am already feeling calmer just getting your text that you are not kicking me out.

Dear T,
OK, I feel less good about the second email now. I really hope we can work through...whatever this is. That it's just some sort of blip. I mean, I know we've worked through much bigger things before. I just feel...I don't know. If I can't fully understand or explain how I feel, how am I supposed to expect you to magically get it? And say whatever words I need to hear? It's not fair of me.


I wish the timing of all of this had been different, like if you'd had to miss Wednesday, and then we could have just talked on Friday. Monday seems far away. I don't want to ask you for any of the times you semi-offered (particularly not Friday evening, if you'd been at a funeral that day) unless it feels like I truly need them, like for outside reasons. Not due to something with our relationship. And I feel that more email is a bad idea. Maybe I'll just journal on it.


Love,
LT

I've got this T. I've got this.

I wish you’d never got in touch, how dare you just pop up in my life like that?! I ****ing hate you, you’re ruining my life and I never want to see you again.

But at the same time

I’m so happy you got in touch, so relieved to know you haven’t forgotten me. I love that you are so thoughtful and careful with me. I miss you.

And also

I’m genuinely not sure whether I want to resume therapy at all, ever. It just plays such havoc with my system and I think the relationship is just too triggering and I’m not sure trust can be rebuilt with the little ones.

Be good if I could talk to you about all this, but then that was the problem wasn’t it? Too dissociative too switchy too MUCH.
And yet also not enough. I just want some peace.

Didn't feel like we liked each other much today.

Dear Former T: Thanks for responding to my text about Helen with her picture. It was a small thing but so meaningful just to hear from you. I know how much you loved your Siamese and we used to love talking about our cats before we got into the real nitty gritty of things. You would like Helen. I know you would. HUGS and love Kit

Huge sigh of relief, T. Thank you for being you.

Dear T,
Now I feel really awkward with that request out there. Should I just say "never mind'?
Love,
LT

Do you remember that girl Ellie (Eleanor?).from Twitter? You used to like all her posts. I always thought she may be a client of yours, but turns out she wasn't when everything happened. You only got rid of me, not her.

I really hated her posts you used to like. She seemed to go from suicidal inpatient, medicated outpatient to trainee mental health uni student very quickly. All in a year maybe? And that letter she posted from her mum, being all supportive and stuff. I was so jealous it made me sick. Maybe I'll tell you about this. Probably not though.

You urged me to 'feel my way through' yesterday. There's an obstructive quality to this particular loss. I am fed up of having to reconfigure my support system.

Dear T,
I feel so guilty about talking to you tonight. I'm trying to resist canceling. I know you wouldn't have offered it if you weren't willing to do it. And there's an important lesson for me to learn there.

I feel it's probably better for me to just accept your support than to push it away after requesting it. But I feel I'm fighting against myself.

I just want the empty, abandonment feelings to go away. But I also don't want to be an imposition. And of course there's the fear that, what if we talk, and it *doesn't* help? Or you say something that somehow makes me feel worse? Or it's clear you'd rather not be talking to me in that moment?

I wish I'd never texted asking for the session. Even though I kept feeling incredibly sad, I should have just managed on my own and let you live your life. But now that I have made the request and you granted it: Please be caring and understanding when we talk tonight.

Love,
LT

What happens happens

But do you ever rewind to the summer you knew me?

Dear T,
Thank you for all of that. It feels like you really get it, what's going on with me, what your role in it is, all of that. And it means a lot that you met with me today. I am glad we were able to meet earlier, too, as I felt sort of awkward about meeting you at 8 pm on a Friday night.


On a random note, it was nice to hear you say, "You're funny" to me again, as it seems like it's been a long time since you've said that (pre-pandemic maybe?).
Love you,

LT

Oh my word I haven't experienced a rollercoaster like this since we were first working together I don't think. I am sure it is to do with the feeling alone with it all. Just sat here trying to hold on to the hope. I wish I could just reach out and touch your hand. Thinking of you.

I read through some of my older threads here and our ruptures were always about email contact and my expectations.

First time I won't be sending you a message for almost father's day.

I glad I didn't waste any money on you or the other T I emailed who never got back to me. I've been feeling super bad for the past two days- just a lot of suicidal thoughts as usual.

Total not spent on therapy £845.50 .