Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

dear t: i still am a little confounded that you didn’t bring up the breakdown phone call last week. I know I called at a busy time, but it was close to a 15 min conversation. Does one forget that? Especially as a T who remembers pretty much everything.

It’s such a topic of shame for me, money. and to be scammed out of so much. maybe that totally changes what you think of me as a person. It is one thing if i was struggling between paychecks, and you offer a sliding scale . me not to pay my co-pay for a little bit.

i dont know what i want to say.

i know i had a **** ton of money taken out bc cats, and now it is just a waiting game to see if i can get the money refunded. what if it doesn’t get approved? then we will really have to figure this out.but im scared

You know about my passion for George Harrison, of course.

I've found some comfort in this version of Watching The Wheels, which was John's song.

In my world, loss eventually gives rise to creativity, but that isn't happening yet.


I need to let myself feel this, and I'm terrified to do so.

Dear T,
Sorry to send the email, but I just wanted to make sure we're still on for meeting in person today. It would have been different if last week had been a normal week, as I'd have confirmed with you Friday. But because you were away, we haven't discussed that since two Fridays ago, and I worry you could have changed your mind about resuming in person. The last thing I want to do is drive to your office, be in the waiting room, then get a text with the Zoom code on my phone... I mean, I could meet you with Facetime from my car, but I don't want to drive over there and mentally prepare myself for in person, only to find out it's not, and you thought you'd told me or had forgotten I changed to wanting to meet in person today instead of waiting until Wednesday.

Love,
LT

Please come back. I don't want a new T. I want you. These people don't know me. These people don't realise that I don't talk. These people won't be able to work like we did. These people won't hold my hand. THESE PEOPLE AREN'T YOU!!!!!

Hey L! I feel like I'm gonna have a lot to share with you again this week. I had an action-required dream this morning, to read Rudyard Kipling, so I found his 'complete works' on kindle and will start later today with reading Just So Stories, since I know I've read that before (as a kid). After I finish that, I'll think/write some about why psyche gave me this instruction. Then will read something else from it and do the same. Egads I love dream work.


Also, I feel like I've finally and truly grabbed the reigns here; I don't think you have to worry about me doing what you said had made you cranky (not that I could tell!) anymore. It's an awesome feeling, I must admit.

How can you work on something, a project, a thesis, a..... I don't know, but how can you work on something for five years and then just literally turn your head and walk away from it. Ooops, shouldn't have asked that question because the answers aren't good!!

A) the project is a waste of time. It isn't going anywhere. It's a lost cause.
B) there is a new and exciting project which you would really rather go and do
C) ok, this one is better... You are so very very tired and just can't face it right now. Everyday life is taking all of your energy and there just isn't anything left for work.

But you don't just throw it away, do you. You just pop it on hold for a while. Hoping that you can come back to it.

But I guess you can't ask me to wait. That isn't how this works. If you can't work with me right now, you have to cut me free, as best you can. You aren't allowed to tie me down. Maybe that is why we are where we are right now.....

I think it is going to take all of my strength and willpower not to drive to your house tomorrow, on what should have been our session day. Who knows. I might do it anyway. (I know that's crazy, right?)

Aw man T, cancelling for tomorrow sucks! I know you warned me that this might happen this summer, but the night before? Ugh. I am totally going to have last week’s reaction to session out of my head, at least the intense-ness of it.

I’ll miss you 😥

Thank you for your support today, and thank you for pre-empting my question about email.


It's good to know that I'll be able to reach out if needed.

I miss you so much

Oh Dear Dr. K. Somehow now two more weeks feels like two long. Last week I was in crisis all week, suicidal and what not. Then I sort of came out of it being distracted by working the children's program at Church for four days. Then it all came rushing back to me yesterday and I self harmed after 18 months of not doing it. You said last time to just wake up and tell myself today I am not going to Self harm. Well, dang, that didn't work. I don't know how you will take it. I don't even know how I am taking it. I don't know if I should call and see if you have a sooner appointment. Or just let it ride. I wish I had a fairy godmother to tell me what to do. I don't even know if you will be helpful. Yours, Kit

You really don't realise how unique you are in how you work. There is nothing like the therapy search to make you believe there is no-one who can help you!

You asked me yesterday if I was stable before my transition and I said yeah. But I didn’t tell you just how stable.

Before my transition my anxiety was always in check. I was taking just one Xanax a day. I was working 3-4 days a week without any issue. My moods were fine besides being unhappy I was female. My hormones and libido weren’t out of control. I didn’t have all these bizarre interests. And I was not thinking about S every other night and my med situation was under control.

Man I just hope stuff works out the way I’ve heard it will.

I really appreciated the way you said 'Suits you!' when I told you about the job I have applied for.

I am not going to see you for four weeks. This is the longest break I've had from seeing you in a long time! Work will have started up again and I really hope (I should pray as well) that everything will be all right with that. Sometimes my anxiety comes back and although it's only a 3 out of a 10 in terms of duration, intensity and frequency, it still comes up. I wish it wouldn't.

Four weeks is not a long time, but sometimes during the day, I wonder what I will do without seeing you for weeks. Four weeks!

I love you, Doctor. A lot of the pain and anger is gone now. Who would I be today if it weren't for you? I can't totally imagine. You've done a fantastic job. A miracle.

Dear T,
I'm really worried about the Covid updates. We *just* resumed in-person sessions yesterday, and I'm worried you're already going to pull the plug (or, I guess, put the plug back in, for virtual sessions). Our state and county's numbers are still good, but going in the wrong direction. I want to talk about my stress about it in terms of my D (and in general), but it's like, I'm afraid if I bring it up, then you'll be like, "Oh, wait, yeah, ok, maybe we should stop meeting in person." Though I know you pay attention to the news, so I won't be giving you any new information.

The problem is, unrelated to seeing you in person, the news is also giving me sort of a "what's the point?" mindset. Like I was starting to feel comfortable eating in restaurants again sometimes, but now I feel we need to stop that (and I was supposed to have a date night Sat.--guess we'll just be eating outside in the heat or getting carryout). Why do others have to ruin it for the rest of us? And I'm really worried about the school year. I wouldn't actually say this to you, but it's easy for you--your son is old enough to be vaccinated. Even though you aren't taking many risks, you can still be freer to take them than me, H, and D.

And I'm keeping the Sunday session, I think (though unclear if that's in person or virtual). Part of me wants to get as many in-person sessions in as possible before you stop them. Because yesterday felt different, like it had more of an effect on me than a virtual session, I think, and helped me get through that medical test today. I don't want to go back to online already...

Love,
LT

T,

Please come back. These people are useless!! I specifically stated that I was working creatively, with writings, art journaling and play, and specifically asked if she had facilities to work creatively. Many emails later, a session booked in and a contract filled out she says "I don't work creatively with adults. I do offer play therapy to children".

I mean how much clearer do I need to be? Do they even read the damn emails? This was one of three possibles out of 20 counsellors contacted. I hate it.

I WILL NOT just sit there and talk to them, not about this. NO WAY.

Hey L! Much to share with you on Friday. Again.

I'm tellin' ya, some major shift has happened in me, and this work is so energizing me the last couple-3 weeks. I really dig it.

Dear T,
I'm going to try to just appreciate the sessions we have in person as a gift. Rather than worrying each in-person session might be the last if you decide you'd feel safer going virtual again. I'm not sure how well I'll do at this, but I will do my best.

Love you,
LT

Hey Dr. K. I'm kind of mad you only work two days a week. How are people in crisis supposed to see you? And there's definitely no way to see you more than once a week. No wonder whenever I make an appointment with you it's always like 3 weeks out. I wonder if you are considering retirement now. You don't look that old in your doxy.me picture but maybe you are older than you look. There's no point in contacting you in a crisis. I kind of want to tell you that you are lame. Kit